It’s hidden underneath old business cards and coupons to Guy’s Pizza, but every editor in chief of The Carroll News who has inherited that desk since 1975 has signed it.

The name of the list is a bit misleading. In fact, the note addressed to future editors that accompanies the list reads: “It sure is nice to be THE BOSS at times. At other times you’ll probably kick yourself and curse the day you ever took the job. But you sure do make a lot of really good friends.”

I signed the list last Friday, effectively becoming another ghost of Carroll News lore.

That note sums up what it means to be an editor at this student newspaper. It is an incredible time commitment – all volunteer work. It is true not only of myself, but also every section editor. Unlike the Student Union Executive Board, we don’t take money out of your Student Activity Fee to pay ourselves. (Sorry SU, it’s my last shot, I promise.)

The reasons each of us made this commitment are varied, but above all else we realize what a privilege and responsibility it is to produce this paper. My favorite part of the week was going down to the cafeteria on Thursday afternoon to see students reading what we stayed up until 5 a.m. on Wednesday morning to get done.

Faculty, students and graduates have commended me for what they’ve noticed as a “different” Carroll News. We increased our focus on watchdog and advocacy journalism more so than this paper ever has before. Given the limited resources we have to work with, we did an impressive job.

If you disagree, you’re wrong.

As much as I would like to take credit for that, I cannot. That credit goes to my staff. I had a tremendous advantage in that I had an experienced and talented staff who all had one goal – make life here a little better for everyone. If I had more space I would thank each of them individually.

One of the most common “compliments” I get is when students tell me my column is the only thing they read. It is actually an insult. If you take the time to notice, you’ll find we have gone above and beyond the traditional role of a college newspaper.

I encourage you to come to The CN when you learn of injustices around this campus. Maybe the most important story of the year ran last week – the story of Eloise Harris.

It has always been our mission to professionally investigate all the rumors people bring to us. It has always been our hope that if these rumors prove true, we can report so and someone in this community will do something about it.

Such was the case with Eloise. But even with all the talk that article has created, I fear no one will take action, even if it is as simple as letting the powers that be know we are not OK with this.

I won’t get into the power of the press lecture. But I will say that even the best journalism is powerless if no one cares what it reports.

I’m glad if you’ve enjoyed this column, and I’m sad this is my last one.

But if you have even once liked something I’ve written, please do me a favor – read the front page.

It is an even bigger shame that when we try to, we can’t get into the game.

Like hundreds of other people, I waited in line Friday night hoping my number would be called to watch the Blue Streaks basketball team battle Guilford College for an invite to the Elite Eight round of the NCAA Division III tournament. I stood between a kid who had attended every game and an elderly couple.

Students and community members mauled around the IM gym waiting to see if enough people would leave the earlier game so that JCU supporters could watch their team play.

For some reason, the University thought it was a great opportunity for a buy-one-get-one free limited time offer.

Someone decided that if you bought tickets to the 6 p.m. Capital v. University of Texas-Dallas game, you could just hang out and catch the Streaks play at 8p.m.

Games sell out and it is unrealistic to think that every student who wanted to go to the game could get into the gym. But a lot more could have gotten in if the athletic department would have cleared the gym after the first game.

Apparently the value of home court advantage took a back seat to the fear of potentially having to tell a few people they needed to leave. I’ve been told to leave places plenty of times – it’s not a big deal.

The biggest joke is that, despite the whole standby ticket fiasco, anyone who went to the game could see empty seats that students would have gladly occupied. Too bad many students did not show up because they didn’t think they could get a ticket.

In fact, there were even a couple students who didn’t have tickets but still found ways into the gym, or so I hear.

JCU essentially decided to make less money last weekend.

Now, I’m not an economist. One night I decided to buy 400 ShamWows with the idea I could sell them for profit on eBay. I am $8,000 in debt because of that decision, but I am making some of it back with my underground Snuggie business.

But, even I know that when you take something in demand and you give it away for free, you are making a bad business decision.

Please, let me illustrate this with an example. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, you had a basketball game that a lot of students wanted to go to because one of the teams was playing at home in the Sweet 16 of the NCAA tournament. Now lets say you decided to give people a 2-for-1 deal on tickets to the game, even though there were people willing to pay for both games.

That is stupid.

Luckily and predictably, most fans from the first game left. That was great because as the angry Capital fans lamented a loss while walking to their cars, they were met by Carroll students asking, “Do you have a ticket from the game?” and the follow-up, “Really? Because you just came from the game and I find it hard to believe that you don’t have a ticket.”

Some members of the athletic department certainly had the foresight to understand that opportunities like the one Friday come along rarely. If I’m in charge of tickets, I’m doing everything possible to make sure the DeCarlo Center is packed to the brim with JCU students.

Let’s hope in the future, the most experienced members of the athletic department are given the most say in these types of decisions.

My name is Andrew, some people call me Raff, and some people call me some other things not fit for print.

I’m going to help you out. And no, don’t come up to me offering me money for my services; this is pro bono work. I do it because I love to give back to Johnny C. And besides, you’re going to need that money for when you get written up, which will be soon if it hasn’t happened already.

What I’m about to tell you is more important than anything you learned at orientation or could ever hope to get out of FYS. Professors, if you would like for me to come to your class and talk about this, I would be more than willing. If you take one thing away from your first year at the country’s craziest Jesuit party school, let it be this.

Don’t ever cut across the Quad.

Is it a pet peeve of mine? No. Rather, it is an unwritten rule. But, I wrote it, because you’re freshmen and you need people to write things down for you.

And now, the inevitable question that gets asked is, “Why?” Why can’t you cut across the luscious shortcut that is the Quad? The simple answer is because it’s stupid.

Some upperclassman will say, “He’s wrong, I cut across the Quad all the time.” I urge you to take a long look at whoever says this. You should immediately begin disassociating with this person.

Other people cite their rebellious nature and inability to conform as the reason they cut across the Quad. It’s not about conformity, it’s about respect. Enough people start cutting across the Quad and it will start looking as appealing as the Cuyahoga River.

Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, Thomas Jefferson, the Pope. All names of people who did not cut across the Quad.

Britney Spears, Ryan Leaf, O.J. Simpson, the Hamburgaler. All names of people who did cut across the Quad. I’m not saying that only horrible people cut across the Quad, the facts say that for me.

Imagine a day when everybody cuts across the Quad to get wherever they are walking. All of a sudden, there is no more Quad. All of a sudden, there is no more ultimate frisbee team.

Now, don’t get me wrong, you should enjoy the Quad like free drinks at an open bar. It’s there for you. But don’t be the guy who walks in the middle of a pickup football game with a three-ring binder in hand. Instead, be the guy who  chastises that guy.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. Emergencies, you’re being chased be some type of aggressive animal, or there is an event on campus where there will be free food about covers them all.

Being late for class is not one of them. Professors would rather their students be late then cut across the Quad. After all, there are no shortcuts on the road to success.

I’m not sure which is worse.

But, maybe around 3 p.m. on a Tuesday, things can start to drag.

When you don’t really have any homework and you’ve run out of people to stalk on Facebook, here are some ways to spice up your day.

SUPB should be paying me for this.

Play Aaron Carter on the juke box in the Atrium during the lunchtime rush.
Yell “I can’t take this anymore” in the middle of the library and then throw your backpack out of the window.

Drive up to people on campus and ask them where John Carroll East Campus is.
Grunt really loud while lifting 5 lbs. weights in the Corbo. Eat a Chipotle burrito while running on a treadmill. Try to join a pickup basketball game while wearing short jean shorts (jorts) and protective eye wear. Go into the intramural gym and start running suicides, wearing the same apparel. Rollerblade around the suspended track.

Use a nickname for classes that use sign in sheets. I like to use Andrew “I’d rather be fishing” Rafferty.

On the way to class, walk up to random people, do a spin move and then run away.
Create a blog that makes fun of people who have blogs.

Go into Parkhurst wearing a suit and tie and stare at the food while taking notes. See if anyone says anything to you. When returning your tray, get on top of it and ride it into the dishwashing room.

Sit down with a random group of people eating in Parkhurst and act like nothing is out of the ordinary.

Walk into a random classroom, look around, say, “This isn’t where I parked my car,” and walk out.

Wear sunglasses through an entire class. Cut out eyeholes in a newspaper and sit in the O’Malley Center staring at people.

Hand out invitations to a party in your dorm room.

Go door to door asking people if they’re interested in becoming a Jehovah’s Witness and when they say no, say, “Neither am I, sucka.”

Send random Facebook messages to people you don’t know challenging them to a pie-eating contest.

Instead of saying “goodbye,” end conversations with “tater tots.”

Cut through the Quad on your way to class, wait, that is a horrible idea.
Have a sword fight across campus.

Play in a pickup football game and the first time you touch the ball take off in the opposite direction and don’t stop running.

Walk around campus with a boom box and a large clock draped around your neck. Yell “Flava Flav!” at random points during class.

Stand in the middle of the hall in the AD building doing the robot while classes get out.

Apologize to random people for not calling them back. Go to class with your face painted. Make your ring tone “Liv’n La vida Loca” by Ricky Martin and set it off during class. Enter into a plea bargin.

Let’s pretend for a moment that just because it was printed in the award-winning Carroll News doesn’t automatically make it true. In the spirit of March Madness, you can think of it in terms of giving each major a Rating Percentage Index.

An RPI is a formula that takes into account a how many wins a college basketball team has and their opponents winning percentage. It’s a number that helps sort out what teams should make the NCAA tournament.

To assign JCU majors an RPI you have to look at two main components. The first is the strength of class schedule. What is the average grade of students in the class? How bad do most kids fail the final?

I am going to ask you to overlook the fact that I have no access to these numbers and my scale is completely arbitrary. Needless to say, this won’t be published in the Chronicle of Higher Education.

The second component of major’s RPI would look at the job future of the field you hope the degree will get you. Will you be able to find a job after graduation? If so, how little can you expect to make?

What do a JCU communications degree and The Ohio State University’s basketball team have in common? They both have an RPI of one.

Criticism to my scale would come upon the strength of class schedule for a Com degree. Critics would argue that American Electronic Media can’t stand up against classes like Business Statistics and Microeconomics.

Maybe they’re right, though, anyone who has taken Interpersonal Communications with Dr. Jackie Schmidt knows that studying how people communicate is no small task. It is the second part of the RPI scale that puts communications over the top.

There are very little jobs and the ones that are available pay horribly. It is a lot easier to do your biology homework knowing it is going to get you a job. I complete my homework knowing that the best I should hope for is a job waiting tables at TGI Fridays. I’ve already memorized the drink specials. I might as well drop out and start practicing for my American Idol audition. That is kind of an exaggeration, but not really.

Com majors aren’t alone in having no job opportunities. I mean, what are you going to do with an English degree, write a book?

Let’s get serious John Grisham.

I guess, when you really break it down, every major has an RPI of one because there are no jobs in any field, outside of maybe accounting. If you went to the job fair you would know this.

What I’m trying to get at is, if you listen when the talking heads tell you how hard it is to get a job, you’ll end up studying something you hate just because you’re afraid you won’t get a job if you don’t. I listened to the bracketologists and had Texas in my Final Four. That worked out really great for me.

Study what you want now and never worry about anything that is more than 24 hours away.

It’s worked for me the past 20 years.

I’m not here to whine about the things that are wrong with this place, but to make people aware of problems and pose some solutions.

Memo to the folks in Rodman, make sure you remove this part of the paper when the JCU potential come to visit. Yeah, they might wonder where page 14 went, but it’s for the best.

The only word that could describe my visit to Parkhurst last Friday was flabbergasted. At the Jesuit University in Cleveland, the main entrée for the First Friday of Lent was turkey meatloaf. Really guys, meatloaf?

Now, I’m sure the Parkhurst management would say that they also had cheese tortellini, peanut butter and jelly and their always edible pizza.

It is hard enough to remember not to eat meat on Fridays during Lent as it is. But, when the first thing you see when walking into the cafeteria on the first Friday of Lent is meatloaf, it makes remembering even more difficult.

This is a Catholic university –– you should at least promote it. You can still keep the hamburgers and hotdogs out for those who want it. But, why not feature your famous grilled cheese and tomato sandwich? Yeah, they put tomatoes on grilled cheese, but at least it doesn’t have meat.

I think I echo the student body when I say that I would be very disappointed if Parkhurst was back next semester.

Honestly, I am tired of hearing people complain about finding rocks in their mashed potatoes. We need to bring someone new in here so we can complain about different things. Don’t worry, union contracts mean the Parkhurst employees won’t be going anywhere.

Now, here comes one of JCU’s hottest issues, the graduation ceremony. People have been graduating here for a while, so you would think we could have gotten this down by now, but it is a complex issue.

Let me start out by saying the Hamlin Quad is a horrible idea. It is mostly a parking lot and a terribly uneven one at that. Get rid of the temporary lot, then we’ll talk.

In the ideal world, the Main Quad is the best bet.

The problem is that if it drizzles three months prior to the ceremony it will still be soaked. This leaves us with Shula Stadium, in my humble opinion, our best outdoor venue for commencement.

Yeah, you can’t really see campus from the field, but families will get a great view when they have to walk there from their parking spot behind Dolan.

And if it rains, throw the ceremony in the gym. I know that means limiting the amount of guests you can have. That means that one aunt you only see on Christmas probably won’t be able to come.

Limited guests is actually a good thing. Most of the friends and relatives that show up are just trying to be polite, they really don’t want to go to your boring graduation ceremony anyways.

The exception is if we get Tim Russert back as commencement speaker, then we’ll just move it to Cleveland State.

For those of you who are not enlightened as to who Fletch is, let me give you an abridged version of his resume.

He is a NFL linebacker who has led the Buffalo Bills in tackles since he arrived there in 2002.

He won a Super Bowl with the St. Louis Rams.

To put it bluntly, he’s the bee’s knees.

Oh yeah and he graduated from JCU in 1997.

The relationship between Fletch and I began on a sunny day in Orchard Park, New York.

It was 2004, and another disappointing season of Buffalo Bills football was set to begin.

I stood outside the player’s parking lot, trying to match athletes up with the color of the Hummer they drove. That’s when I saw Fletch come rolling in.

I yelled “Yo Fletch” and he waved in my general direction.

A security guard stared at me until I left.

The Bills lost that game, but Fletcher stole my heart.

I built a Madden Dynasty around him, the Buffalo Fletcher-Bakers.
Unfortunately, in the first game Fletcher sustained a career ending injury, so I moved the team to Mexico City and that was the end of it.

Then, in the most recent chapter of our storybook friendship, Fletch and I have been working out together.

By working out together I mean that we were both in the Corbo at the same time.

There are not a lot of other schools where you’re going to see pro athletes working out in the same facility as the general student body, certainly not Baldwin-Wallace.

I thought about going in with my Fletcher jersey on while he was there.

I would act very surprised when I saw him.

“You’re London Fletcher and I’m wearing your jersey, what a coincidence!”

I would then ask him if he wanted to see my dorm room, or if he wanted to hang out later.

Maybe he would like to grab dinner at Parkhurst?

I would use a guest pass on him.

I was also going to ask him if I could just stand next to him while he was lifting, pretending to spot him. We could give each other high fives after each set.

My ultimate goal is to have Fletch tackle me.

Yea, I realize this would cause severe bodily damage to me.

But, when people asked me how I broke my leg, my answer would be “London Fletcher-Baker tackled me.”

If I died, the cause of death would simply read, “London Fletcher-Baker jacked this kid up.”

Even if you don’t like football, you have to respect how hard Fletch promotes JCU.

Nationally syndicated sports talk show host Jim Rome asked him in his rookie season what he would do if the whole NFL thing didn’t work out for him.

His response was, “Do you realize I have a degree from John Carroll University? I can get a job anywhere in the country.”

How can you not love the guy?

We could go on for hours about the pros and cons of both, but there is one indisputable advantage to getting a house – the sweet parties you can throw.

I will tell you one thing, if I ever found myself in a house, I would have some epic parties. You would find yourself talking about how that kid from the award-winning Carroll News could really throw a party.

What would make them so epic? I would have some historic theme parties.

I’m not talking about the Warrensville standard theme parties. No, I’m an innovator and I’m going to take theme parties to the next level.

While you’re picking out a garbage bag to wear to an “Anything but clothes” party, I would be preparing my home for theme parties like “Let’s write some prose,” “Anyone but Joes,” and “I got your nose.”

I like pajama parties the way they are, so I probably wouldn’t change those at all.

The idea of the Gatsby themed party is awesome, it is a great piece of American literature and a great book to party with.

But, how about giving some credit to another great American writer?

I’m talking about Dr. Seuss. At my Dr. Seuss themed party you would need to wear one of those “Cat in the Hat” hats and rhyme everything you say. It would be a short party, because it would get really annoying and people would leave.

I would also have theme parties to go along with the month. This month I would have a “Presidents Day Party,” in which everyone dresses as their favorite president or first lady.

You would also need to prepare a one page, double-spaced paper on your president. I would check for plagiarism, so don’t think you can just copy and paste off of Wikipedia.

However, I would not allow anyone to come as Martin Van Buren, because he sucked.

At the beginning of each semester I would have a “Back to school” party, where I would raffle off school supplies. You know, pens, pencils and cases of Natty Light. There might also be a 50/50 drawing, I’m not sure yet.

Holiday themed parties would be big in my house. Around Thanksgiving you would be required to bring a dish to pass. Let me tell you this right now, if you bring stuffing, I’m not going to eat it. We have a rocky history.

For my Christmas party, everyone would recite a poem or song they wrote about why they love Christmas. If you don’t love Christmas, I invite you to air your grievances as to why you dislike the season of giving. The poems would all need to rhyme though, because I don’t like poetry that does not rhyme. You would still be welcomed if you celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.

October would bring a Halloween party where – actually, I’m going to stop right there.

P.S. I would like to thank all the ladies of “The Vagina Monologues” for my shout out. You can find me in The Carroll News room, located across from the Corbo Fitness Center.