What the toon doesn’t say about the tune: “Last night I let the party get the best of me”

If you drive around the city you will notice that there are quite a few four-way stops, some five-way, six-way and even seven-way intersections. There should be a chapter about University Heights roads in the Kama Sutra.

My problem isn’t the excessive amount of roads that run into each other, but rather the way drivers handle such an obstacle. You would assume that my problem is with people pulling up, doing a rolling stop, and continuing through while blasting Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It.”

On the contrary, those drivers don’t annoy me because even though they are rushing through dangerously they are at least keeping traffic moving.

I’m more concerned with the drivers that pull up to a stop sign and sit there. And sit there. And sit there while listening to their John Mayer album.

The way that a giant intersection works is a lot like a deli or the DMV. You pull up, take a number and wait for your number to get called. University Heights drivers must be numerically illiterate though because they struggle to follow the system.

I can’t count how many times I’ve been stopped at an intersection waiting for someone to take their turn as they sat there motionless like a deer in the headlights. Other cars pull up and come to complete stops before me, but then they sit there and wait for someone to make the first move.

It’s like an awkward first date.

So I’m forced to either wave them forward or prematurely cross the intersection. I’m just another driver on the road, I shouldn’t have to serve double duty as a traffic cop because nobody else can make a decision.

I’m guessing they have never played Mario Kart 64.

It’s like every other driver has a half-finished text waiting in their drafts folder that they decide it’s finally time to finish up and send once they get to that intersection. First of all, you shouldn’t text and drive. Second of all, if you’re going to text and drive then make sure you don’t slow down my trip to Boston Market.

Either that or they’re enamored by all of the beautiful homes.

In any case, this epidemic needs to stop. Please, drivers, pay attention and cross intersections when it’s your turn. The rest of us don’t have time for you to be so indecisive.

Those wise men were a pop music phenomenon known as *NSync. They haven’t recorded together in years, so much for bringing it ‘til the end.

For being a seemingly indestructible force of styled hair, slick choreography, and well-placed falsettos, the fact that it’s been nearly a decade since they released anything new scares me at how fickle success can be. Except for Justin Timberlake, he’s been fine on his own (confession: my picture is actually inspired by his “Sexyback” phase).

It’s too bad Nelly Furtado waited until 2006 to tell the world that all good things come to an end, maybe the boy band era would have fallen off more gracefully. Then again, maybe not. It probably wouldn’t have helped me as I tend to ignore that kind of advice. I only know one way to do things and that’s the hard way.

I used to think I’d never fade out. In fact, during my sophomore year I went so far as to tell a fellow CN staff member that I could easily write this column every issue until graduation. She told me I would run out of topics by then, and some of you might agree with her. Producing witty repartee on such a constant basis isn’t easy. There’s a reason Jim Carrey went six years between “Liar Liar” and “Bruce Almighty.”

Despite not always having an award-winning column by deadline night, sharing my eccentric ideas and trying to make an audience laugh has definitely been my favorite part of being on staff. I wouldn’t take any of my columns back. Not a single one.

While my column has definitely been the most fun part, the longer I spent in the newsroom the more I ended up invested in the overall product. It’s harder to be a part of the award-winning Carroll News than we make it look. Sometimes we spend up to 15 minutes discussing an idea for “Name That Toon!”

Joking aside, I think over the last four years I learned more within the newsroom than outside of it. That’s not meant to be an insult to the rest of the University, rather it’s my way of recognizing all of the opportunities The CN has afforded me.

That last statement can be applied to most things I got involved with at JCU. I’m not sure I’d ever advise someone to follow my blueprint because it made me spend far too much time feeling overwhelmed, but I can’t imagine the last four years without all of those activities, responsibilities, late nights, early mornings, slept-through alarms, stress fractures, PRs, backsells, frontsells, 3 a.m. text sessions, etc. They were all worth it. (I think.)

In some sense everything in life is ephemeral (see I can use big words and get philosophical too), so I can’t claim ignorance. I knew I’d have to pass a torch or two eventually, and like the YouTube parody of The Juggernaut said, “Oh, it’s time baby!”

I haven’t taken an issue off since early 2008, so I’m owed some vacation time. I’m not sure how I’m going to spend that time but I’m thinking lots of poetry and pina coladas (well, Four Lokos actually, I just wanted to use alliteration).

By the way, I tossed in at least three and a half “that’s what she said” jokes for you clowns who still misread the title. Is that enough?

Yeah, me neither.

I think I’m going to take this week’s opportunity to discuss something that should be emphasized from freshman orientation through commencement. No, not proper meal swipe management (although, that is also very important). I speak of something much more important to your well being and future happiness, a bucketlist. A bucketlist for college.

People make these things called bucket lists all the time. It’s a list of things you want to do before you “kick the bucket.” I decided to make a list of all things JCU-related that I wanted to do before I get my degree, so I’m calling it a commencementlist.

Now the first key to making a commencementlist is to make it very concrete. I’m talking more concrete than the roads of University Heights. It’s hard to cross off goals that aren’t specific. For example, you don’t want to write down “make my memories of senior week as close to a highlight reel of Jersey Shore as possible.” Not that it isn’t a great goal, it’s just going to be really difficult to judge the success rate on that one.

The other important thing is that everything on the list is something that you have to go out of your way to do. Taking three philosophy classes isn’t appropriate for a commencementlist, you were going to do that anyway. I’m talking about ordering a pizza before class and having the delivery guy bring it to you … while you’re in class. You know, something that you’re going to tell your grandkids about.

Some of the things on my commencementlist include the aforementioned goal of having a pizza delivered during a class, having a theme party based on The Lonely Island’s song “I’m on a Boat,” and playing pickup basketball with Phil Metres.

I plan on going the entire month of April without bringing a backpack to class. Just a binder with my homework assignments in it. No other school supplies, literally just the binder with the homework.

I also want to make a YouTube video that gets over a million hits. I’ve got some ideas, but timing has been the issue. Luckily though by printing it here that means I have to find a way to get it done by May and failure is not an option.

I’d be pretty upset with myself if I graduated without performing standup comedy at JCU, so consider that on the list. I don’t care how or where, I just care that it gets crossed off.

If you think I’m sitting here just trying to come up with the most absurd things possible to make you laugh, you’re half right. I am trying really hard to think of awesome, absurd things to put on this list, but I also really plan on doing all of these things. I don’t print it unless it’s true. Honesty and transparency are kind of my things. Well, those and jokes. Jokes should definitely be in the top three somewhere.

The last thing on my commencementlist is to get a book deal with Follett (you know, the people who rip you off on textbooks every semester) to release my compilation of columns, “That’s what See said: Never swallow the pride.” For the enquiring minds, yes that title contains a multi-entendre, and it’s last because I still have a few more chapters to add to it.

I’ll be doing signings in the atrium from 1-3 p.m. all through senior week. Someone’s going to need to bring me a Sharpie though since I no longer have school supplies.

Most importantly, I have lots of countdowns now.

I’ve been counting down how many days until my half-semester jogging and weight lifting classes end (I had the last one today), how many hours until my last final (as of noon today it’s down to 1,875), and how many issues of the award-winning Carroll News are left in my future (two plus a few surprise appearances).

This poses a dilemma: how do I put this time to use? Do I juice the orange that is spring 2011 for every pulpy drop, or do I crawl my way through the final lap giving just enough effort to cross the finish line and get my free T-shirt for participating?

Both. How? Simple, I’m a senior.

A lot can happen over the course of an undergraduate career. Between freshman orientation and commencement, one can pick up quite a few responsibilities, resume boosters, and Facebook pictures that should probably be untagged.

In the fourth year of that undergrad career though (or fifth for some people) things just seem to click a little faster. I have no real explanation for it other than development of the “senior quality.”

The senior quality is what separates those of us expected to have jobs within the next couple months with those who still care about their GPA.

Why stress out about stuff? We’ve been around the block before, and we know things usually work out. Just put your faith in the system and things will probably turn out alright.

Since a college career has a typical lifespan of four years that ranges from egg to larva to pupa to adult butterfly, there are a lot of growing pains along the way, but they result in a butterfly that can fly and knows where the good nectar is at.

The general structure of most organizations and groups on campus require all of its members to contribute in their own way. Generally, there is a president or leader of some sort that helps delegate duties and explains them to the members of the group so they know what they’re expected to do.

Some of the more veteran members, though, just get things done on their own. You need a case of water carried from this side of the room to the other? Don’t worry, it’s already been taken care of.

There are varying degrees of these “seniors.” Some just need less direction than their fellow students, while others possess almost superhuman abilities to go above and beyond the call of duty while being a shining example for underclassmen. Regardless of their dedication to their position, all of them are invaluable.

Don’t get me wrong, senioritis has been setting in since at least February of last year and that takes a toll on productivity for sure. A real senior knows how to balance things though so they can still be a slacking, procrastinating, productive, success.

And that’s something you don’t learn in a classroom (unless you’re using your smart phone to look it up on our website, www.jcunews.com).

Everybody needs a sidekick. Not necessarily a Robin to their Batman, because those kinds of hierarchies can lead to internal conflict. Maybe something more along the lines of a Batman to their Superman, a Joker to their Lex Luther. In short, a partner in crime. Acronymically, a PIC (I didn’t come up with the acronym though).

There’s a reason they say two heads are better than one, and this is what they were talking about. The PIC is like a wingman for life (because, as Lil Wayne taught us, life is a beach). The PIC is the person you can rely on, who thinks on the same level as you. You don’t have to be able to finish each other’s sentences, but it helps.

PICs are like shoes, without them your socks would get really dirty and your feet would be sore. OK, maybe not the best analogy, but what I mean is different situations call for different PICs. How else do you think Will.I.Am decides which of the other two guys in the Black Eyed Peas is allowed to rap on a given song?

For social situations you want a PIC who’s good at initiating conversations, isn’t afraid to buy a round of drinks and hopefully slightly less good looking than yourself.

Studying requires a special type of PIC. Someone capable of distracting you right before you lose your sanity from going over formulas for three hours straight, but who can also pull you away from YouTube and Facebook when you have 10 minutes until your assignment is due. It’s preferable to share classes with your PIC, but not necessary. You can even take different foreign languages and still work it out.

The PIC ties in with a little life philosophy I refer to as DIFTS, which stands for “do it for the story.” And yes, I stole that acronym too.

Life is full of opportunities, and you need to pick and choose which ones to pursue. If you see a job opening at your favorite company then obviously you go after that, but others are tougher to decide. For those brainbusters, employ the DIFTS philosophy and it should help steer you in the right direction.

Your grandkids will thank you for it, and when it comes down to it, that’s the standard by which all things should be decided.

That being said, PICs aren’t a 24/7/365 sort of thing. Ben Franklin preached moderation and held these truths to be self-evident. There’s a reason he’s on the $100 bill, and that reason is he was a smart dude. It’s true that you can have too much of a good thing, and that you only need 13 virtues to get your face on U.S. currency.

It’s important to be an individual in life. I think a strong sense of self is necessary to reach your potential. If you can’t be successful without your PIC then when it’s the MOT (moment of truth) you might be SOL (I can’t print what that stands for, but you should be able to figure it out).

But even the strongest of us can’t do it alone.

You’d probably feel pretty silly going by yourself to see the Justin Bieber movie in 3D, but if you go with your PIC then it’s completely normal. Trust me, I speak from experience.

My column last week was self-admittedly weak. I waited too close to deadline to start/finish it, and I apologize for not giving you something more worthwhile/coherent to read.

To make up for that I decided I would go with something sure to please: sequels. That’s right, I’m going to revisit and expand on some old classics.

Deadlines are good in that they help keep things moving and make sure they get done on time, but they also stifle creativity. Some ideas catch a second wind, and that’s what this column is for. Sometimes on Thursdays I read what I wrote and get another idea that I should have put in, but it’s too late.

I need some closure, so this one’s for all the missed opportunities.

First up is the Bobtionary, this is where I made up words and defined them. I’ve got seven new words.

Cristal Lite, noun. Crystal Light powder packets mixed with alcoholic beverages making it taste fruity and look classy. (I can hear the female residents of Murphy scheming already.)

Disnomer, noun. An insulting, inaccurate nickname.

Infinagon, noun. A shape with infinite sides.

Mansform, verb. To go through male puberty.

Manual-Tune, noun. Imitating Auto-Tune effects using your regular voice.

Threequel, adj. A third part to a series; a sequel to a sequel.

WellFair, noun. An abbreviated way of saying the Wellness Fair, which gives out a bunch of stuff to students for free.

Another topic I’ve been meaning to go back and touch on is story topping. Basically a “story topper” is someone who always finds a way to belittle your accomplishments by telling you a story about something they did that was bigger and better.

When someone tries to story top me I just tell them I once took both first and second place in the same spelling bee and have my own dictionary named after me. They look like they just saw an infinagon.

I’ve already done a sequel to my “Ballin’ on a Budget” column, but I feel compelled to do a threequel. Basically the first one explained how to get by in college without spending much money, the sequel just admitted financial defeat before graduation and suggested you spend it if you got it.

The third installment is heavily influenced by my current thoughts on finances which stem mostly from living off campus, paying rent, Internet and cable, and buying my own food. In short: learn to like Ramen noodles and Natty Light.

The first time I ever wrote for The CN I tried to predict who the opening act for the Spring Concert would be, so I figured I could try the headlining act this year. Rumors are swirling about Kid Cudi, Wiz Khalifa, and even a mansformed Justin Bieber.

But none of those are accurate.

I have it on good authority (let’s just say that a little Jesuit birdy named Robert told me) that JCU is truly “ballin’ on a budget” and has brought in BedRoc as the Spring Concert performer.

Naturally, Rhapsody Blue will be the opening act.

That’s all the knowledge I have to impart upon you this week. If you need anything else, I’ll be at McDonald’s trying to figure out what I’m going to do with my life next year.

We live in a complex world where we interact with people in a multitude of ways. We text, we tweet, leave wall posts, send e-mails, write on whiteboards and make phone calls. Sometimes we even talk to people in person. The plethora of ways to communicate means that things such as tone (i.e. humor and sarcasm) and meaning can be lost in translation.

When misinterpreted, the things other people say can be taken as  offensive. Normally, when a person feels offended, they respond to the situation. But what happens if said person is mistaken about the supposedly “offensive content” of what another person said?

That’s when the fun begins.

There are three types of battles: ones you should engage in because you’re in the right, ones you shouldn’t engage in because you’re in the wrong, and ones you’re a coward if you don’t engage in because the issue is just that important.

Would it make sense for me to get upset that the Corbo Room attendant didn’t accept my column picture as my ID when I forgot my student ID? Not really. I could have argued about it with her, but, while it would have fed my ego, it probably wouldn’t have gotten me any closer to the bigger biceps I was there for. So instead I just filled out the visitor’s form and went on with my workout. It wasn’t worth the fight (but it was a hilarious idea).

I’m sure everybody gets spam e-mails from time to time, and I’m no exception. Usually the spam is automated and has an “unsubscribe” link at the bottom of the e-mail. Other spam comes from people who send you their essays because they think, for whatever reason, that you and your readers care what they have to say. The proper response to this is the “manual unsubscribe”  where you send a response e-mail simply asking to be removed from their address book.

If you’re dealing with a reasonable person that should solve the problem. In some cases you’ll be dealing with someone who just doesn’t “get it” and wants to start an inbox war. This is a type of battle where, even though you’re in the right, the other side’s refusal to give up just isn’t worth the effort.

If you’re involved in any organizations, on campus or off, then you understand how hierarchy, chain of command and time management are essential to the success of that organization.

In certain cases it’s necessary to flex your chief muscles (the ones you strengthened in Corbo earlier) and discipline people for being irresponsible with their time. You always pick that battle.

Other battles can involve things like legislation. People might find it necessary to vote to change a set of bylaws in order to accommodate for what they see as inevitable future circumstances. However, some people lack in foresight. Much like those who didn’t think Ron Artest could step up and win a game, they were proven wrong.

That’s the kind of battle I live for.

There are a lot of things I’ve accomplished that if you had told people two years ago I’d do they’d recommend you to an insane asylum. I attribute that to putting in the hours necessary to make those accomplishments a reality. There’s no substitute for experience and the knowledge and respect that comes with it. Fight that battle, but only if you’re crazy enough to win it.

For example, it can’t be a cup of coffee from Einstein’s. That might be able to keep you awake while discussing Descartes’s theories on God, but it’s not going to last past psychology, where you’ll be napping to make up for lost REM.

It can’t be a 5 Hour Energy. Yes, it works for the guy in the commercial, but he got paid to pretend it worked and you’re a college student which means you can’t afford to buy 4.8 bottles of that stuff to get you through every 24-hour day.

It can’t be ham sandwiches either because, well, it just can’t.

You’re probably worried right now, wondering what options are left if excessive caffeine and deli meats have been eliminated from contention. Don’t fret, I have a plan: exercise.

Yes, that’s right, exercise. It’s the perfect solution. It gets you moving, it sends endorphins to your brain and it serves as early preparation for beach season. Much like the objects in your car’s side mirror, Spring Break is closer than it appears.

If you did it right, then you spent Thanksgiving eating a lot, Christmas eating a lot, New Year’s Eve drinking a lot, New Year’s Day sleeping a lot, and last weekend playing beer pong in a Warrensville basement. You’ve got a lot to work off.

You hear the word exercise and you probably think about joining an aerobics class, doing power yoga, or even joining the track team. Wrong.  Those are dumb ideas. Those all pale in comparison to the one I’m about to suggest.

Hire me as your personal trainer. I guarantee results.

What makes me qualified to be your personal trainer? Better question, what’s your favorite color?

I eat McDonald’s three times, pizza twice, and Taco Bell once a week. For most other meals I eat Ramen noodles.

You would figure I’d be overweight, right? Wrong. I’m about as skinny and malnourished as they come. So clearly I’m doing something right and am qualified to be a personal trainer.

Day one we’ll start with the classic motivational technique of “Hey, that guy’s eating ice cream while I work out, that’s not fair!” Basically you take me to get ice cream, I order an item equal to or less than $12, you pay for it. Then you start doing push-ups, and I count them out for you while simultaneously eating the ice cream you bought for me.

Trust me, it works. I found the method by watching deleted scenes from “Rocky IV,” it was the real reason Rocky was able to defeat the Russian. Well, that and the script.

The next day I’ll show up on a tandem bicycle and we’ll ride around until we find a fast food drive-thru that is slightly uphill. Of course, I will refuse to pedal, so you will have to  exert extra effort to get both of us to the second window.

I would feel like a fraud if I didn’t include some sort of abdominal workout, so to work that area of the body I’ll have you go on YouTube and watch people do funny stuff until your tummy hurts from laughing so hard.

I charge 20 McNuggets and a Coke with no ice (approximately $6) per session.

I’ll have you looking like Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino by March, I guarantee it.

Where do babies come from? How are chicken patties made? What happens if you put diesel fuel in a minivan? What kind of pajamas does the Rev. Robert Niehoff wear to bed? What am I going to do next year?

These are some of the most important questions that face our generation and our University. I wish I could answer them for you, but I can’t. I’m not Jeeves.

I can, however, bring these issues to your attention and hopefully give them enough spotlight to put them at the forefront of a productive discussion among members of this campus so that some sort of conclusive results and answers can be achieved.

I would try to help, but I’m really not that interested in the majority of those questions. The one that concerns me most is the last one, because as much as the other questions keep me up at night, that last one seems to be the one most directly affecting my future.

2011 might as well be 20?? for me.

Next year I won’t have any reasonable excuse to still be in school. I’ll have completed my undergraduate degree and have no desire to enter graduate school. I’ve already reached the end of my rope with this whole “class” thing, so just making it to the end of next semester will be a small miracle worthy of a potentially lifelong sabbatical from institutionalized education.

It’s safe to say I’m mildly concerned about what I’ll be doing next year. It’s a mystery that even Sherlock Holmes would be wary of trying to solve.

I constantly get asked about what I’m going to do next year and I still don’t have a good answer. Well, unless you consider “I don’t know, probably living in a cardboard box somewhere hoping the Labre crew stops by my neighborhood,” a good answer.

My credentials include a pending B.A. in Communications and an already-received B.A. in being a B.A. I’m well-versed in calligraphy and have been to more than 10 states. As a kid, I would build elaborate recreations of King Arthur’s sword, Excalibur, out of Legos. Also, I’m friends with the Man in the Golden Shoes, which should never be overlooked.

All that and I still don’t have anything solid lined up for next year.

The only solution I’ve come up with so far is to offer a reward for anyone who is able to figure out my life for me. So, I’ve decided that if you can tell me what I’m going to do next year, I’ll give you a million dollars.*

Yes, the reward is outrageous and excessive, but in this day and age I need to do something to stand out. I’m competing with TMZ’s Lindsay Lohan updates, panda bears on YouTube dancing to “Teach Me How to Dougie,” and Sarah Palin’s comments about WikiLeaks. That’s a lot of sensationalism to overcome!

As for the rest of those questions, I was just kidding about not knowing the answers. Babies are brought by the stork, chicken patties come from a box, putting diesel fuel in a minivan will turn it into Optimus Prime, and the Rev. Robert Niehoff wears an Elmo shirt and pleated pants to bed.

*Money will be transferred via annual payments of $15,000 continuing until the individual qualifies for social security, at which point it becomes the government’s problem.

Every week I provde a free education of sorts for the JCU community, but I’m going to do it in a more conventional way this week.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how much I have to do, and I’m not sure I can do it by myself anymore. I need help. I need an assistant, a graduate assistant.

That’s right, I’m looking for my very own G.A. for next semester to help me balance my schedule and responsibilities. I just don’t have time to do everything and I think there’s a valuable opportunity for a graduate student looking to gain experience in being over-ambitious and under-productive. As arguably the busiest and most responsibility-laden student at JCU, I think it’s only right that I get somebody to help carry my workload for me.

While you’re probably jumping at the opportunity to spend a semester under my tutelage, it’s not as easy as jotting down your social security number and giving me 24/7 access to your mini fridge. I expect a lot out of my G.A. You need a skillset as varied and impressive as Tim “The Toolman” Taylor’s toolkit.

Impossible? For most, yes. For the chosen few, though, the Al Borlands of the world, this is the opportunity of a lifetime.

The application process will involve the typical resume and cover letter, but that’s not all. You’ll also need a list of four qualified references, with more education than a G.E.D., who are willing to interview with me in person. The interviews will last from anywhere between 12 and 87 minutes. I may or may not interview these references, but either way they need to be willing to set aside that time for me or I’m not going to consider your application seriously.

Now that I’ve established the basic expectations, I think I should go over what the job entails. It’s pretty standard G.A. stuff as far as doing my dirty work (and for the record, all my work is dirty before it goes through edits).

My G.A. will ghostwrite columns for me, respond to criticism for me, call out people who are full of B.S. for me, and show up to class several minutes late for me.

Meanwhile, I’ll handle all of the essential duties that go along with being a man for others and a local media giant. I’ll retain my radio and television programs, but I’ll put anything that requires more effort than “attendance” on their shoulders.

Maintaining my physique? Not my problem. I’ll make my G.A. practice their editing skills enough to make me look good in all video and photographs in which I’m featured. Some people might call me lazy, but those who have ever been under the intense pressure and scrutiny that comes with being a broadcast legend understand how difficult it is to keep up this persona for more than a week, nevermind four years and beyond.

The only thing standing between you and this opportunity is the fact that no department is sponsoring the “Bob Seeholzer Graduate Assistant” position as of right now. I’m currently in discussions with the program for applied ethics, the Carroll Cinema Society, Beta Theta Pi and the award-winning Carroll News.

Until a sponsor is found, technically your tuition will not be paid for and there will be no real compensation for your work other than my own gratitude (which I’ve been told is worth its weight in gold).

Given those circumstances, anyone who applies before the sponsorship is approved will receive special consideration. My e-mail address is listed below, I look forward to hearing from you.

Growing up my mom used to call me Mr. Know-it-all because, apparently, I thought I knew everything. Now I’m older and she still calls me that because, apparently, I still think I know everything.

I don’t.

It’s OK though, because I don’t have to. Nobody knows everything. If anyone did that would be absurd. I think more important than knowing a lot is knowing what you know and knowing what you don’t know.

An often overlooked skill is that of discernment. When someone asks you something and you’re not sure you have the information they want and/or need, do you clarify your answer with a phrase like “at least I think that’s it.” Or do you try to come off like an expert on something that you’re not?

Based on my own independent studies, most people are under the impression they’re experts.

Everyday, on this campus alone, I deal with people who say things implying they’re more knowledgeable than they are. I heard someone, while trading barbs back and forth with a varsity athlete, try to taunt him by saying “you don’t even play.” It turns out that athlete is a starter and has been all season. 

Now don’t get me wrong, in the midst of trash talking, exaggerations are allowed, but the problem here is that he actually thought he was right. He was completely misinformed, but decided to say it anyway.

I know others who think they’re infallible when it comes to things such as geography, grammar or opinions in general. They’re not.

The problem goes beyond JCU though, as I’ve seen this lack of self-awareness affect the quality of professional publications like Billboard magazine. How do you spell someone’s name two different ways in the same article? And be wrong both times?

I’m sure someone will go through this issue of the award-winning CN now and try to find something spelled wrong. You might even find it, after all we’re a group of college students putting together a newspaper. We’re good, but we also have classes and we don’t get paid. Professionals are held to a higher standard.

Usually I’m an advocate for laziness, but this is kind of ridiculous. There’s a lack of fact-checking in today’s world, and it’s leading to more ignorance than I have the tolerance for (ironic, huh?).

I can’t tell if this is something that has afflicted young adults for generations or if it’s due to the Wikipedia-era we live in, but a lot of people are full of feces. Like constipated-fat-guy full of feces. When someone tries to come off omniscient about a given topic they make a fool of themselves.

Now you might be thinking “Bob, all you’re doing is complaining that other people. You do it, too. What makes you any different?” and you’d be half-justified.

I am ranting about others ignoring their own ignorance, so you’re right on that count, but to categorize me in that group would be inaccurate. I’m very aware of my shortcomings, things I don’t know or aren’t very good at. As a matter of fact, I’ve written plenty of columns based on the strengths/weaknesses I possess. I’m realistic about what I know.

So by thinking I was cut from the same cloth as those who speak out of their butts, you proved my point by speaking out of your own miseducated butt. Thanks, Ace Ventura.

Next time you’re about to make some unverified statements, remember that people can tell, they just haven’t written a column about it yet.

What the toon doesn’t say about the tune: “Cheers to the girls throw a deuce to the guys.”

A good question to ask yourself when doing something is “why am I doing this?”

A good answer is “to raise the bar high enough to challenge my future self.”

I was discussing the prospect of homework with a friend and he said the six-page paper he was working on him had taken him longer than any other six-page paper he’d ever done.

And he was only on page three of it.

I told him that while this might be the longest it’s ever taken him to finish a paper of that size, he’ll have no problem taking longer in the future.

Well, that and he’s not a senior yet so once that senioritis sets in it won’t be out of the ordinary to take up to a month past the due date to finish an assignment.

I’ll vouch for that last statement’s validity.

Senioritis and overdue assignments aside, my point is that people are driven by competition.

A lot of people have somebody they aspire to beat. There’s nothing wrong with that, competition inspires us not to accept the status quo as good enough.

And by competition I don’t mean the intramural flag football playoffs either, though those are a big deal too I guess.

Personally, my toughest nemesis is myself … from one and/or two years ago. Both versions are formidable opponents, I have trouble picking one over the other.

In any case, he set the bar really high. Sometimes I think he set it too high.

But it’s better than him having made it too easy for me to feel I accomplished something worthwhile.

It’s human instinct to try and outperform your past self. As Jay-Z once said, “Go further, go farther, go harder. Is that not why we came? And if not then why bother?”

I don’t have an answer for him, and if you do it’s probably dumb.

If you’re content with the status quo and getting the same results over and over, year after year, then that’s great.

That means it’ll take less effort for me to do better than you. But if my current effort isn’t better than my past efforts then there’s no point for me to put them forth.

For me, resting on my laurels is a sign of failure. It’s admitting defeat. It’s giving up.

That’s why I don’t do it.

I can’t speak on behalf of everyone (despite the fact that I wish I could), but progress is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Well, sometimes it’s the afternoon, but you get my point.

To put it simply, you should try to do better than good enough.

Getting better in every area of life is kind of unreasonable though, because priorities change so it becomes unimportant to exceed your past self in some areas. For example, after graduation it’s not going to be as important to be a better student than you were in the past.

Here’s my advice on how to deal with that obstacle: List your priorities and then focus on doing better in the areas of life you consider most important.

You should be able to outdo your past self in the things at the top of your list. It won’t be easy, but if you really care about it then you’ll find the time and energy to get better at it.

Trust me, you can take a long time to write a six-page paper.

We all think about it. Some of us even find success with it from time to time.

No, I’m not talking about parking on campus. I’m talking about something as green as the Hamlin Quad – money.

Everybody thinks about what they would do if they were rich and had a bunch of money to spend on whatever they want. We all have our own ideas and we also get inspired by people that are already rich, like Oprah (free cars for everyone!), Lance Armstrong (raising money for cancer research) or even that Mark Zuckerberg guy (trying to improve public perception because a movie about your career is hitting theaters soon).

While those are (mostly) very noble things to do with an abundance of wealth, some people play by their own rules.

Unlike most owners of professional sports franchises who spend a ton of money to acquire a team then become more conservative with their finances after that, Mark Cuban goes against the grain. Cuban owns the Dallas Mavericks and has spent the last decade racking up fines from the NBA for speaking his mind and standing up for his players.

Chad Ochocinco, wide receiver for the Cincinnatti Bengals and reality TV regular, sets aside money every year for the fines he plans to incur for his celebrations.

Those guys and I are on the same page. They use their money to do or say things that others might consider “crossing the line” and they do it in the name of entertaining their audience or defending their own. They’re my kind of rich people.

If I had more than six dollars in my wallet, I’d be like them and do some really funny stuff with my money. But I’d do even funnier stuff if I were someone else and they were rich.

LeBron James has a lot of money and a lot of people who don’t like him. If the same could be said about me, I’d buy a home in Miami that cost the same amount of money as what the Cleveland Cavaliers paid me for my seven seasons with them. While it might be difficult to find a home that costs exactly $62,020,913 it would be worth the search to essentially have Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert know that he paid for my house.

Then I’d do an episode of “MTV Cribs,” of course.

Tobey Maguire, who starred in the first three films of the “Spider-Man” series, isn’t playing that role in the upcoming fourth installment. If I had played Peter Parker in three of the highest-grossing films of all time, I’d have a web-shooting device surgically implanted in my wrists. That way when the fourth movie comes out, I could “web” the people that went to go see it before they bought their ticket so it wouldn’t gross as much money as my films did.

It might sound spiteful, and that’s because it is.

Someone who could definitely stand to make some different decisions with her money would be Lindsay Lohan. I’m not sure how much she has still has left after all of her legal fees, but I’d take what’s left and buy a new, more harmless addiction.

If I were skateboarder and MTV star Rob Dyrdek, then I would, well … I don’t really know. I can’t think of anything cooler than what he’s already done. Touché, Mr. Dyrdek.

If I were in Bill Clinton’s position, with his past and his bank account, I’d buy up a bunch of dry cleaning businesses in Washington, D.C.

Not for any particular reason, just because.

So if you didn’t already have enough reasons to not vote me into political office before reading this, I’m glad I could share this with you before next week’s elections.

Everyday I’m reminded of how old I am.

I come to the newsroom and realize that I’ve been coming here for four years, while more than half of the staff has only been coming in here for a little more than a year. I go to practice and workout with a team where 12 of the other 13 guys were born in a different decade than I was.

Last week I turned in my graduation forms. The real world is knocking on my door and I’m not ready to answer it. (In my defense I just got out of the shower and I’m in a towel, they’ll have to wait for me to put on some pants before I open the door.) 

What happened to my youth?

Despite the fact I feel like an old man sometimes, there are several differences between myself and those that, numerically-speaking, fall into the “old people” category. Primarily the fact that I can still relate to the whippersnappers and their pop culture. 

I’ve got Justin Bieber on my iPod, I read Twitter in class and I’m constantly on YouTube trying to catch the latest viral video before it becomes “old news.”

My mom and dad? They don’t.

And neither do most other older people. Their priorities are different. They didn’t grow up in as much of a media-centric world so they’re a little slow on the uptake to certain things.

Now I’m not going to turn this into a roast the way Jim Carrey did in the movie Liar Liar when he began a rant by resorting to the insult  “Simmons is old!” I am, however, going to point out some differences between people my age and those who are older.

The generation gap has become very prevalent to me lately as I’m realizing there are things I take for granted with others, having no regard for the fact that some people are older and out of the loop.

I might put something in the paper that’s an inside joke. You might not get it, probably because you’re not as cool as me (that’s a topic for another column though).

In a way it’s something that I’ve dealt with since I first started writing for The CN: the fact that those reading the newspaper might not really understand what I’m talking about.

I wrote about T-Pain when he was our spring concert performer in 2008. Odds are most professors, faculty and administrators didn’t get my jokes about T-Pain’s guest performer being somebody that he had already collaborated with. As a matter of fact it probably went over a lot of students’ heads too, but at least they knew who T-Pain was.

Some readers of The CN seem to be using the “jump to conclusions” mat from the movie Office Space. They see something we print and assume they know what we’re trying to say and even our motivation behind it.

Well, I’m sure both my generation and older generations are familiar with what they say assumptions make out of you and me.

At the end of the day this is a college newspaper and the main audience we write for is the student body of JCU. Our content is geared toward them and includes articles about things they’re interested in and what’s currently going on in “our” world.

If you don’t fall into that category then don’t be so quick to judge us, you’re probably just too old to get it.

Sometimes I sit around and think about things I’d be really, really good at to the point where I could do them professionally. The list includes things like contact sports, Googling my own name and cooking chicken among others.

Anyways, the list usually ends up being pretty long so it’s hard to remember all of them, but one thing that always comes up is the fact that I’d be an awesome ghost writer for other people.

No, being a ghost writer doesn’t mean that my column picture looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost (although, I do look very pale and bald). It means that I would write for someone, but it would appear as though they wrote it themselves. It’s a technique often used by rappers (including Will Smith, Dr. Dre and Diddy) who have someone else write lyrics for them.

There are a few reasons I’d be a great ghostwriter. Really, it’s as easy as one-two-three.

One, I have an uncanny ability to empathize with someone and know how they feel in a given situation. Two, I have a favorite pen (it’s green). Three, I can use that pen to write from the perspective of someone I’m empathizing with (in green). Easy, right?

Who would I ghostwrite for? Well I’m glad I assumed you asked. There are a plethora of people I’d like to express the opinions of, but the most interesting ones are famous.

If you’ve ever seen the MTV show “Run’s House,” then you know that Rev Run ends every episode by sending out his “words of wisdom” e-mail from his Blackberry while he sits in a tub full of bubbles. He ends every one of them the same way by signing it “God is love, Rev Run.” I figure as long as I make sure I do that and send it from a bubblebath then people will believe I’m him.

“Treat people the way you want to be treated. God is love, Rev Run.”

“Thou shalt not kill. God is love, Rev Run.”

Unless you’ve never been on YouTube, you’re familiar with Andy Samberg’s songs he does for Saturday Night Live’s Digital Shorts. I could write lyrics for him all day. I’m currently working on one for him called “In the Wrong.” It’s about proper etiquette in public restrooms and features cameos from George Michael, Sarah Palin and Kid Rock.

I’d be great at ghostwriting celebrity tweets. I’m super clever and entertaining and everyone likes what I write, so it would be a great PR move for them. I would tweet for Kanye West, but he’s on a completely different level than me and the rest of humanity. Maybe Justin Bieber would be a better fit. I possess the creative genius necessary to type: “@JustinBieber just got off stage, so many girls throwing their underwear at me, I think I’m going to wash them and donate them to Goodwill.”

I think the last bit of evidence I need to prove I’m worthy of being a professional ghost writer is that, for whatever reason, people want to read what I have to say. How else would you explain the fact that you’re still reading this after 529 words?

Oh, by the way, Tony Danza ghost wrote this column for me. From prison. In the dirt. With a spoon. In the dark. In Latin. Backwards. Maybe.

God is love, Rev Run.

So apparently a lot of people read my column last week, and get this, they actually had an opinion about it!

What does that mean? It means that much like the football team did against Marietta, I got to put a notch in the W column last week.

Somebody asked me why I wrote what I did. At the time I didn’t have a very good answer, but I think I’ve figured it out.

I did what I normally do, I said something over the top that could be interpreted offensively by someone or some group on campus. What made last week any different?

I’ve written more than 50 columns for The CN, and quite a few times I’ve made outrageous statements or claims.

In a column commenting on the overwhelming number of female leaders of on-campus organizations compared to male leaders, I made the extreme claim that it “makes me wish the 19th Amendment had never been passed,” and got one response.

Most of the student body probably doesn’t know what the 19th Amendment is, but if you look it up and think about the fact I said it shouldn’t be in effect, you’ll probably disagree with me.

I also once called myself the poet laureate of JCU and nobody complained about it. Really? I find it hard to believe that I’m ahead of Phil Metres or George Bilgere for that title, but since there was no resistance, I guess the title’s mine. (Sorry Phil, I was pulling for you!)

I’ve even gone so far as committing sacrilege and disagreeing with the award-winning Carroll News’s picks for power couples when they omitted me from that feature.

For whatever reason, nobody seemed too upset until I drew a direct parallel between a group of over 150 guys that lift a lot and some bugs that were mentioned in the All-Stu. Maybe not the brightest move considering even their punter is bigger and stronger than me, but I wanted to do it.

Actually, let me rephrase that, I had to. Because if I’m not going to do it then who will? This newspaper is really the only way at JCU for someone to express an opinion and open up a campus-wide forum.

Some people thought it was funny, others were pretty pissed, but at least they took a stance.

We received multiple letters to the editor this week (which is a ton considering most weeks we don’t get any). One praised the football team’s off the field productivity and the other preached Blue Streak pride in general … and I agree with both of them (for the most part).

Yes, there was some questionable word choice in last week’s column, but I’ve learned that as a writer you sometimes need to take an extremist position to make people pay attention.

Don’t take this column the wrong way, I’m not claiming that my intentions are always (or necessarily ever) noble.

I’m not always in the right, and I’ve crossed the line before in my crusade to make a point. I feel like at this point I needed to explain what those intentions are and where they come from. My comments don’t come from a malicious place, they just have a job to do.

As Al Pacino’s character in “Scarface” said, “You need people like me so you can point your fingers and say ‘that’s the bad guy.’”

If that’s the case, then point away.

Being the jaded senior that I am, I often ask myself questions about how on top of their game the student body is. I hear a lot of students say that they don’t read the All-Stu anymore, which means a couple things. One, they should probably rename it to the Some-Stu at this point, and two, is there anybody left who actually does read it?

I can’t verify that anyone else does, but you bet your ass I still do. And it’s a damn good thing I do since most people don’t read the All-Stu, but they all read my column, so I’m able to pass along any important information.

You’re welcome.

Last week the All-Stu had something about a bug problem on campus, and I understand that these bugs, known as midges, can be quite the annoyance.

The midges are everywhere. From the freshman dorms, to the upperclass dorms, to the atrium and even the athletic complex. Their team has a big roster, and they spread the field well.

According to the All-Stu, despite being everywhere, these midges are essentially harmless. They don’t pose any real threat, they just kind of get in the way.

I’ve done a little research and I found out that these bugs trained all summer to attack Case Western Reserve University in early September. Unfortunately for the midges, Case had a strong defense and the midges  were no match for it.

From what I’ve heard the midges also have catchphrases they use to pump each other up. A popular one for whenever a group of them is together is to yell “Midges House!” Which I guess is how they try to lay claim to a piece of property.

Someone should tell them to claim Shula Stadium.

I think I’ve heard them go so far as saying “Midge up or die trying.” Clearly an ode to 50 Cent, who’s probably the toughest guy in the world. Ever.

Actually I take issue with that phrase. How can you say you’re going to do something “or die trying” and not do it? Shouldn’t you be dead from trying so hard? Or did you not try? Or maybe being useless is how you “midge up.” I can’t call it. Sounds like a lot of bark, not so much bite.

Speaking of biting, the All-Stu says, “Although midges do not bite, they often occur in large numbers and can be annoying.”

The midges haven’t become a problem in the cafeteria yet, but could you imagine what it would be like if they did? I’m sure they’d all walk in wearing the same outfit, buzz around to the point where you couldn’t hear yourself think, and hold up all the lines by thinking their plates of mac and cheese were more important than the rest of ours.

I mean, I guess you have to look at it from the midges’ point of view, though. Clearly they’re the most important group of bugs on campus. Sure the mosquitoes come around and enjoy some success during their season, but the midges are the trophy winners of JCU.

Or are they?

The All-Stu also noted that the last time the midges contributed to an athletic achievement (like, I don’t know, going above .500) was in October of 2007. For some reason I feel like there’s a JCU team suffering from the same dry spell, but I’m sure they will break out of it soon.

By “they” I mean the midges, of course.

Do you ever have those moments where you feel like you can’t lose? Unless you’re John Wooden in the early 1970s, those don’t last very long. After pointing that out for you, your next logical thought is probably, “Yes Bob, you’re right! How can I make it last longer?”

First I would answer by saying “that’s what she said!” then I’d tell you the key to getting the most out of every situation is to just take what the defense gives you.

Yep, that’s all there is to it.

Saying it is pretty easy, but putting that plan into action is a little more difficult. Begin by analyzing the situation. In order to “take” what the defense gives you, you have to see what it’s giving you.

That might seem really obvious, but you’d be amazed at how easy it is to overlook that part of the process when you’re in the heat of the moment. As a matter of fact, go ahead and read that part again, I’m  in no rush.

OK, so after you analyze the situation, formulate several plans of action (POA for short), then choose the best one and follow through.

I know some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, but pretty much everyone understands something better if they’re given examples of it. Therefore, as the self-appointed chair of the “Life Skills” department at JCU (which features such classes as Last Year Seminar, Business Stats and Raquetball), I will elaborate in order to better serve you, my students.

Scenario: you interrupt someone’s acceptance speech on a nationally-televised awards show and are metaphorically stoned by the media. Then you’re invited back to that same award show the next year.

Analysis: You can use the public forum to get revenge or redemption. First POA: Interrupt someone else this year. Second POA: Let Taylor Swift finish. Third POA: Write a clever song that both acknowledges your own faults and the overreaction everyone else had to them.

Now let’s try a more relatable example. Say you’re walking into class and you notice somebody that you’d like to sit next to, but someone else is already sitting by them.

Analysis: The primary objective is being blocked. First POA: Throw a hissy fit, and ask the professor to tell the person that’s sitting in the seat you want to move to a different seat. Second POA: Take the remaining seat with the closest proximity to the person you want to sit by. Third POA: Drop the class. Fourth POA: Tell the “opponent” that studies show students who sit in that seat typically receive a lower grade in the class.

College kids are gullible, and easily persuaded. It’ll work.

I didn’t have to give you this advice, I could have kept it to myself and watched you all force up midrange jumpers to beat the shot clock, but that’s not doing you, your team, or the bandwagon fans any good.

Don’t believe me? Ask LeBron James. He won’t answer your question, but he will donate any proceeds from your encounter with him to the Boys & Girls Clubs of America.

I can’t knock his hustle, though. When the defense already has to worry about Dwyane Wade it means they’ll be giving him a lot of opportunities. He might be disloyal, but he knows how to read a defense.

Well, unless it’s game five or six against the Celtics, but for the sake of my argument I’m calling a three second violation on the defense. Shout out to Tim Donaghy!

What’s the only thing about a Thursday that JCU looks forward to more than a new episode of “The Jersey Shore”? The award-winning Carroll News.

Some people might try to debate that fact, but their opinion doesn’t matter.

I had a moment of doubt this summer where I wasn’t sure if I’d continue to be a part of The CN. Then I saw a commercial for the series finale of MTV’s “The Hills” and knew my generation couldn’t handle being abandoned twice in a matter of months, so I’m still here.

I know you’re excited for the final year of what See says, but don’t expect much. You see, I’ve got this bad case of senioritis. I was first diagnosed about seven years ago. They told me it would take its toll on me, and I can testify that it most definitely did. My grades suffered, and my work ethic, in general, got worse. Lately I’ve been feeling much better, though. I’m in the best shape of my life and coming off my highest GPA since high school. Have I beaten senioritis? No, I’m just on the right meds.

I’m kidding. I’m not on any meds, I just know how to discern whether I should give a crap about something. It’s amazing how much easier things become when you stop worrying about them. If I stressed about grades, then when I got them back I’d probably be disappointed. Since I don’t set any academic expectations for myself, though, I’m never let down. I either do better than I “expected” (a pleasant surprise) or I fail (oh well).

That’s a bad example, because grades kind of matter. Sometimes. Not usually, and definitely not when you’re 65 years old and looking back on your college experience. But sometimes. I guess.

A better example would be something along the lines of homecoming. Say you had a great time at last year’s dance, but then this year’s ends up being lackluster in comparison because you expected it to be as good or better (the pressure’s on you now SUPB). Now you’re malcontent, and that’s no good. Wouldn’t it be better to go into homecoming with no expectations and walk away from it focusing on the parts you found enjoyable?

You don’t need to look any further than former Shaker Heights resident Kid Cudi to find the answer. “I’m on the pursuit of happiness and I know, everything that shine ain’t always gonna be gold,” he sings on the aptly-titled “Pursuit of Happiness.” That’s one of the best lyrics of the past year, and I’m not a pothead so I don’t even listen to Cudi like that.

The higher the expectations you have for something, the more likely you are to be disappointed.

I’d like to say that I’ve defeated the dastardly dragon known as disappointment, but I haven’t, I just used a lot of alliteration. It’s not events or places that let me down, it’s people. I expect a lot out of others, and I’m not sure why. It might be that I think everyone should be able to live up to the expectations I have for myself, but much like my grades in microeconomics back in 2007 (yeah, I’m that old), the percentage isn’t that high.

I know this isn’t exactly rocket science, but we all need a reminder every now and then that the glass isn’t half empty. It might not be half full either, but you should just be happy there’s any liquid in there at all.

Dehydration is a serious threat.

In 2003 Jay-Z “retired” from rap with The Black Album. The third track was titled “What More Can I Say” and lately I’ve found myself asking the same question.

I already wrote my annual ode to the near-graduates that I felt the need to give a shout out. I didn’t submit any works for The Carroll Review to turn down this year so I can’t print them here and call myself the poet laureate of John Carroll (though I do still hold that title).

I wasn’t injured this past track season so I can’t write an allegory about my relationship with the sport. I can’t pretend to run for mayor for awhile, and I can’t dispense pick-up lines and explain the role of a wingman until I get a little more successful at it myself. I really don’t know what else to say at this point.

I’ve already rehashed a few ideas. I feel guilty shortchanging the reader by talking about the same things over and over. I’m not sure how many more times I can write about the financial challenges of being a college student or say things to try to upset feminists to get letters to the editor (you knew I was just baiting you the whole time, right?), but it’s not many.

Which reminds me, I did what I came to do. I accomplished my goal. I got some letters to the editor and people were upset at me. I don’t write those things to be malicious, I write them as a heat check to see if people are still reading.

This just in: they are.

People look to me to brighten their Thursdays, and I work tirelessly to make sure I give them something they can finish reading and say “I’m not sure if he’s got a few screws loose or what, but I enjoyed it and I’ve been reminded that The Carroll News is indeed award-winning.”

Despite the fact that I’m not always pleased with my final product, I continue to write column after column. Other than being a masochist, why would I keep taking up this monochrome real estate if I didn’t like what I did with it?

Simply put, I’m selfish.

I like attention and what better way to get it than by putting your name and picture in the newspaper every week? I’m not sure, but there have to be some because my pick-up line of “Do I look familiar? Perhaps I’ve been running through your dreams or you saw my picture on page 22 of an award-winning newspaper,” has yet to result in me getting any phone numbers.

Being a newspaper man gets in the way of life and I don’t like it.

I talk to the cleaning staff more than my roommates, I sleep on the newsroom couch more than my own bed, and I have Inn Between for lunch … at 1 a.m. Seriously, I don’t remember what breakfast tastes like. That’s not even the worst part.

If you haven’t seen it on YouTube yet, Chamillionaire had someone get on stage and rap with him at the spring concert. That someone happened to be The CN’s business manager and my best friend at JCU, Jeff Sigmund. I would have loved to be front row for that, but instead I was on my way to New York for a workshop put on by The NY Times.

That scheduling conflict changed the way I’m going to raise my kids. I don’t ever want to miss something that rare and awesome for something that was just another bullet point on a resume I don’t even plan on using anyways.

Good news though, my column is more important than my resume.

As we get closer to the end of the semester and that word seniors shudder at every time I say it (commencement), I think it’s time to reflect on what just happened.

I don’t mean what happened this past weekend, or even this past semester (although, I’m told those were awesome too). I’m talking about from when you moved into Murphy on that August day.

College is an interesting concept. It’s supposed to be about “the education.” Here at JCU, a liberal arts school, it’s about “inspiring individuals to excel in learning, leadership and service in the region and in the world.” It’s true, it’s on the Internet.

Don’t take this next part the wrong way. I’m happy that I ended up here, even though if you had asked me back on that August day I would have been less than enthused about it, but I think they left some things out.

While I think that JCU can be a great place, I would say that the University’s mission is accomplished not so much through the University itself, but rather, through the students.

I’d be flat-out lying if I said that there weren’t faculty and staff members here that have changed my life forever. There are plenty. But even with as much as they taught me, they don’t even come close to the impact that other students, particularly seniors, have had on me.

There’s something about seniors where they always seem to know what to do. I refer to it as “the senior quality” (creativity is clearly one of my strengths) and for the last three years I’ve watched a different group take charge. As different as each group has been, they have all brought that “senior quality” to life.

Despite how much of a leader, trailblazer, and one-man wrecking crew I consider myself, I take notes on how those with more experience carry themselves and handle their business.

Most of the seniors I know bring this quality to the table, but there are some people and moments that stand out more than others, which I’ll never forget.

Here are just a few of the things I’ve learned from watching them: hard work pays off, sometimes somebody needs to step up, that somebody will often be you, the impact of humility (I know, right?), the importance of connections and taking advantage of opportunity, and maybe the most insightful of all, the phrase “leadership boils down to two words: follow me.”

I think I might make that last one my epitaph.

I also picked up a few other things from them, like the knowledge that ice cream sandwich breaks provide the perfect respite from the weekly grind, Tuesday night dinner in the dining hall with a good friend is way better than having a convenient schedule, Sunday night/Monday mornings are the best time to do homework due on Monday afternoon, adding “self-proclaimed” to a byline is completely ethical (not to mention hilarious) and an “over aggressive” philosophy on life isn’t just hyperbole, it’s genius.

Just like the last two years, I’ve learned a lot from the people that are going to be walking across the stage in less than a month. It’s a little weird knowing that I’ll be filling that role next year, but I think I understand what the job entails.

This is a thanks to my teachers, thanks for “just being a senior.”

Milli Vanilli at Lake Compounce, Ashlee Simpson on “Saturday Night Live,” and Greek Week at JCU.

What do they all have in common? They’re three of the most famous examples of lip-synching. Well, at least until I got involved.

For those of you who don’t know, “Lip Sync” is the name of the grand finale event of Greek Week, and all of the fraternities and sororities put on a skit. Outside of my column or Jeff Sigmund rapping at the Spring Concert, it’s probably one of the most entertaining things that happens all year.

Now, I’m not in a Greek organization, but I have seen the movie “300”  a few times, so I know what I’m talking about.

You probably didn’t hear about it (because it wasn’t covered in the award-winning Carroll News), but I’ve got a pretty impressive resume when it comes to skit battles. In three competitions against my track and cross country teammates, I’ve never finished out of the medals.

I won’t say I’m the Michael Phelps of this performing thing, but I wouldn’t shy away from calling myself the Apolo Ohno of it.

So now that we’re all on the same page (literally, because this is in a newspaper), it’s time to answer some questions, like what group would I represent and what would my skit be about?

That’s none of your business (just kidding).

My organization, and odds are you definitely did not see this one coming, would be The Carroll News.

One thing I like when planning a skit is an abundance of talent. Talent that’s willing to stay up past their bedtimes to make sure they come up with a top-notch final product. If there’s one thing the staff of this newspaper can do well, it’s stay up late.

Not to mention, we can dance. If Lil Mama or JC Chasez is one of the judges then we’re shoo-ins.

As far as the content of our skit, it would be a loose parody of R. Kelly’s hip-hopera “Trapped in the Closet,” except our version would be called “Trapped in the Newsroom.”

That’s probably where the similarities would end because I don’t think I could find a way to work in a reference to a Baretta, repeat the same lyric 10 times in a row, or get into anywhere near as much legal trouble as R. Kelly has.

Our skit would reference all of the newsmaking events that have happened on campus this year. From a new mayor being elected to basketball sit-ins to zombies running amok on the quad and a mystery woman named Kim Meadows causing headaches for everyone.

The thing that would put our performance over the top is our secret guest: Ray J. Nobody can deny his entertainment value, and more importantly, nobody would expect it.

I’m thinking he could do a medley of this year’s “Name That Toon!” songs (and maybe have “MMMBop” get stuck on replay). Then our big finish could be a couple landlords soliciting local apartments and houses and giving out their contact information. (If you don’t get it, then turn the page, I’ll still be here when you get back).

While we’re not entered in this year’s competition, I think it’s pretty clear we would be the winners.

If you disagree, you can go fly a kite.

This past weekend I was really busy. The rest of last week: ditto. What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t come up with an awesome and entertaining column topic for this week.

Don’t fret though my wonderful nation of loyal readers (I bet you guys didn’t know I made you your own country yet, did you?), I’ve still got something for you to read during your 12:30 p.m. class today.

You might be surprised to know that I keep a file of all the column ideas I think of and punchlines that I come up with saved on my computer. Then again, you might not be all that surprised; but either way it means that I’ve got a stockpile of things to say on a week where I caught a case of the dreaded WBS (Writer’s Block Syndrome).

Think of it as the ultimate backup plan.

So, from this paragraph until I run into my own contact info at the bottom right corner of the page, I intend to drop a dimebag of knowledge on you (told you I’d use it someday, Prof. Metres!), and if that’s not a goal of mine then I don’t have goals.

Speaking of dimebags, what if someone paid for one with a bag of dimes? Wouldn’t that be cool? Also, it’d be more dislexically ironic than “Stone Cold” Steve Austin working behind the counter at a Cold Stone Creamery.

I was thinking of writing a sequel to my famed column titled “Forget Webster’s. Try the Bobtionary,” which, for those of you wondering, was in fact an underhanded shot at Sean Webster, our World News editor. You’re my boy, Webbie!

That sequel might actually happen at some point next year.

It’s probably a good thing that I never gave this next one the full 500 words, but I’ve always wanted to shout from the mountain tops that I don’t hate Ryan Seacrest. He’s got approximately four of the jobs that are on my list of “top 10 jobs I would like to do for more than a summer in order to make enough money to move out of my parents’ house.”

Speaking of jobs I’d like to have, there are a few on campus that I’d like. Number one on the list: Schott Dining Hall DJ. Don’t get me wrong, there’s some great music played in the cafeteria as it is, but I think it could benefit from a more thought-out song order and flow.

I’m kinda, sorta, pretty good at making playlists, so it’s entirely possible that I’m overqualified for the position, but that’s never stopped me before.

Doppleganger. Panjandrum. Junta. Debouch. Tarradiddle. Quidnunc. Fatidic. Nettlesome. I just used a bunch of words I don’t even know the meaning of – maybe I should read the Wonderword more often.

Fact: people who don’t know what they’re talking about just need to not talk.

I had an idea for a column about JCU-themed texts from last night, but then someone made an actual Facebook group. Plus, I realized I’d just be giving away too much inside information about myself, which is something I definitely don’t already do on a weekly basis.

That reminds me, a lot of people bring up the fact that the award-winning Carroll News didn’t come out with an issue last week. They say “Bob, what’s up with The Carroll News? You guys come out with an issue like once a year now.”

To you I quote former CN Editor in Chief Andrew Rafferty, who once said,  “First off, no we don’t. Secondly, shut your mouth.” You’ll get a newspaper when I decide you’ve earned one.