My friends know that none of those feats are particularly impressive, even for an 80-year-old. The point I’m trying to make is, I was lucky enough to be privy to one of John Carroll’s best-kept secrets. Over my four years at JCU, I had the pleasure of knowing Dr. Walter Nosal.

I did not go looking for him. It was a couple weeks into my freshman year and I was in our old and now defunct science center, Bohannon. I was on assignment for my second ever story for The Carroll News and my editor wanted me to find out what’s going on in this now unused building. Visions of Watergate danced in my 18-year-old head as I explored this place. I was opening doors in hopes that I would find some corruption or anything that involved money laundering.

Unfortunately for my story, nothing of that sort was going on. In fact, nothing really at all was going on in there. And, just before I left, I took a walk down the only corner of the building I had not explored. I knocked on a door, and a voice inside told me to come in.

That was the first time I met Dr. Nosal.

When I opened his door, I grew a little concerned. I thought this guy had confused me for his grandson or something because I don’t think anyone in my entire life had ever been so outwardly happy to see me. This short, silver-haired guy with big blue eyes was standing in his office with a huge grin on his face and a hand shake firm enough to make me wince.

Dr. Nosal told me to take a seat at the fold-out table in the middle of his office, and the questions began. But the questions didn’t come from me, the reporter who knocked on his door to ask him about what he was doing in Bohannon. Instead, the questions came from him: name, major, what I do on campus, what I want to do when I graduate.

At the time, I thought Dr. Nosal was incredibly unhelpful. He let me get out maybe one question, and the only quote I got out of him was about how grateful he was to have an office in Bohannon – an office that reminded me of a prison cell without the bars.

That day, I thought I left Bohannon with nothing. No quotes. No facts. Only an impeding deadline that was less than a day away. I thought I had just met a nice old man, but I really wasn’t interested in having the “what are you gonna do with your life” talk. After all, I was just a freshman. I had plenty of time to figure it all out.

But before I left, I gave Dr. Nosal my number. And, unlike many of the females in the the Class of 2009, he actually called me.

Though he is known by few students, it turns out Dr. Nosal is kind of a big deal at JCU. His face is on the “100 years of Carroll” poster. He spent 60 years at the University, 39 of which as a professor and eventual chair of the Departments of Education and Counseling and Testing Services, the rest he spent as an “assistant without portfolio.” Once I offered to buy him a portfolio, but he told me that wasn’t what that means.

As I learned more about him and he about me, we formed a “Tuesdays with Maurie”-like relationship, except with a bit of an edge. After one summer I went into his office and he told me I had gotten a little big, said I looked like a line backer. After that visit I went running.

And while Dr. Nosal believes in the benefits of physical activity, he spent his life devoted to the activity of the mind. A fulfilling life requires what he calls the Olympics of the mind, the body and the heart.

He called me a tiny acorn, he chastised me for putting my hand in front of my mouth when I spoke, for mumbling and slouching. But he never ceased to remind me that tall oaks grow from small acorns.

I grew a lot in my four years here. Not physically, of course – I’m actually still quite short. But I think I am a lot different today than I was four years ago, and I think that’s a good thing.

Dr. Nosal observed this growth, and much of it was through the weekly editions of The Carroll News I tried to remember to slide under his door. Unfortunately I often got busy and forgot to make the delivery, despite my best intentions. When I explained this to Dr. Nosal, he reminded me that the road to hell is paved with good intentions

My time with The Carroll News shaped my college experience. I was editor of the paper my senior year, and for three years I was a columnist who subscribed to Dr. Nosal’s aphorism “Every pearl comes from an irritated oyster.”

My column, titled “You’re Wrong, I’m Rafferty,” taught me a lot. The first lesson I learned was that not everyone thought I was funny. One student wrote a letter to the editor that said, “Perhaps no one takes the time to notice, but his weekly column is wrong.”

I certainly had some critics. But that never stopped me, and because of it I think I produced a couple pearls.

In some respects we should all be irritated oysters. One day I saw a member of JCU’s cleaning staff picking off the ground a crumbled up copy of The Plain Dealer. The front-page story that day was about how AIG paid $165 million in bonuses to top executives after receiving public funds through a $173 billion bailout. A month earlier 10 members of JCU’s cleaning staff had been laid off.

Certainly we should not go through our lives as angry people, but we should graduate knowing that we are in a tremendous position to lead great lives and to help others improve their quality of life.

Every time I visited Dr. Nosal, he asked me the same questions: Whose career I would like to be predecessor to. What are my dreams? Even though I knew they were coming, I still got frustrated every time he asked me because I never had a real answer.

Most of us don’t have answers ready for those types of questions. If WE could do anything, be anything, what would WE be?

These are questions most of us don’t feel compelled to answer. A lot of us are concerned with getting a job, not our dream job.

It is fair to be worried. Things are going to get more difficult from here on out.

But, in the words of Dr. Nosal, all sunshine makes a desert.

While these times might breed anxiety, they also can free us from the pressure of jumping into an entry-level job that is off track from our dreams.

Tough times can also make us think about things a little differently. It can make us explore options we previously did not think were worth exploring. I never seriously entertained the thought of service until the past few months. The more I looked into it, the more it seemed like something I would enjoy doing. I most likely would have never given the thought of service a fair shake if I had more lucrative options.

I met Dr. Nosal in the last place on campus I expected to find a person like him. It’s funny how life works like that.

Today, we’re all going to get a college degree from a great university. We’re going to be OK. Our parents, teachers and fellow graduates are all rooting for us. Dr. Nosal assured me that even after he was 6 feet underground he would still be rooting for me. There are people in your lives who are just as enthusiastically cheering for you.

The goals we set are achievable no matter how high or low the market is. We just need to understand those goals so that we can achieve what we all should be aiming for – living a life that matters.

Thank you.

It’s hidden underneath old business cards and coupons to Guy’s Pizza, but every editor in chief of The Carroll News who has inherited that desk since 1975 has signed it.

The name of the list is a bit misleading. In fact, the note addressed to future editors that accompanies the list reads: “It sure is nice to be THE BOSS at times. At other times you’ll probably kick yourself and curse the day you ever took the job. But you sure do make a lot of really good friends.”

I signed the list last Friday, effectively becoming another ghost of Carroll News lore.

That note sums up what it means to be an editor at this student newspaper. It is an incredible time commitment – all volunteer work. It is true not only of myself, but also every section editor. Unlike the Student Union Executive Board, we don’t take money out of your Student Activity Fee to pay ourselves. (Sorry SU, it’s my last shot, I promise.)

The reasons each of us made this commitment are varied, but above all else we realize what a privilege and responsibility it is to produce this paper. My favorite part of the week was going down to the cafeteria on Thursday afternoon to see students reading what we stayed up until 5 a.m. on Wednesday morning to get done.

Faculty, students and graduates have commended me for what they’ve noticed as a “different” Carroll News. We increased our focus on watchdog and advocacy journalism more so than this paper ever has before. Given the limited resources we have to work with, we did an impressive job.

If you disagree, you’re wrong.

As much as I would like to take credit for that, I cannot. That credit goes to my staff. I had a tremendous advantage in that I had an experienced and talented staff who all had one goal – make life here a little better for everyone. If I had more space I would thank each of them individually.

One of the most common “compliments” I get is when students tell me my column is the only thing they read. It is actually an insult. If you take the time to notice, you’ll find we have gone above and beyond the traditional role of a college newspaper.

I encourage you to come to The CN when you learn of injustices around this campus. Maybe the most important story of the year ran last week – the story of Eloise Harris.

It has always been our mission to professionally investigate all the rumors people bring to us. It has always been our hope that if these rumors prove true, we can report so and someone in this community will do something about it.

Such was the case with Eloise. But even with all the talk that article has created, I fear no one will take action, even if it is as simple as letting the powers that be know we are not OK with this.

I won’t get into the power of the press lecture. But I will say that even the best journalism is powerless if no one cares what it reports.

I’m glad if you’ve enjoyed this column, and I’m sad this is my last one.

But if you have even once liked something I’ve written, please do me a favor – read the front page.

Szuch, a native of Cleveland, started her career with The Carroll News in the fall of her sophomore year.

She began as an assistant editor for Arts and Life and was quickly promoted to the section editor.  Last semester Szuch began writing her column “Such and Szuch” and will continue it into the next year.

Szuch is excited to work with the paper this year.

She said, “I think we have an extremely talented staff with fresh ideas and I’m excited to lead them.”

Andrew Rafferty, the current editor in chief, is confident he is leaving the staff in good hands.

Rafferty said, “Rachel has proven herself as an outstanding journalist and leader in the newsroom.”

She is president of JCU’s chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists and a reporter for the Neighborhood News.  Last year she interned with Cleveland Magazine.

Upon her graduation in December, she hopes to start a career in journalism.

It is an even bigger shame that when we try to, we can’t get into the game.

Like hundreds of other people, I waited in line Friday night hoping my number would be called to watch the Blue Streaks basketball team battle Guilford College for an invite to the Elite Eight round of the NCAA Division III tournament. I stood between a kid who had attended every game and an elderly couple.

Students and community members mauled around the IM gym waiting to see if enough people would leave the earlier game so that JCU supporters could watch their team play.

For some reason, the University thought it was a great opportunity for a buy-one-get-one free limited time offer.

Someone decided that if you bought tickets to the 6 p.m. Capital v. University of Texas-Dallas game, you could just hang out and catch the Streaks play at 8p.m.

Games sell out and it is unrealistic to think that every student who wanted to go to the game could get into the gym. But a lot more could have gotten in if the athletic department would have cleared the gym after the first game.

Apparently the value of home court advantage took a back seat to the fear of potentially having to tell a few people they needed to leave. I’ve been told to leave places plenty of times – it’s not a big deal.

The biggest joke is that, despite the whole standby ticket fiasco, anyone who went to the game could see empty seats that students would have gladly occupied. Too bad many students did not show up because they didn’t think they could get a ticket.

In fact, there were even a couple students who didn’t have tickets but still found ways into the gym, or so I hear.

JCU essentially decided to make less money last weekend.

Now, I’m not an economist. One night I decided to buy 400 ShamWows with the idea I could sell them for profit on eBay. I am $8,000 in debt because of that decision, but I am making some of it back with my underground Snuggie business.

But, even I know that when you take something in demand and you give it away for free, you are making a bad business decision.

Please, let me illustrate this with an example. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, you had a basketball game that a lot of students wanted to go to because one of the teams was playing at home in the Sweet 16 of the NCAA tournament. Now lets say you decided to give people a 2-for-1 deal on tickets to the game, even though there were people willing to pay for both games.

That is stupid.

Luckily and predictably, most fans from the first game left. That was great because as the angry Capital fans lamented a loss while walking to their cars, they were met by Carroll students asking, “Do you have a ticket from the game?” and the follow-up, “Really? Because you just came from the game and I find it hard to believe that you don’t have a ticket.”

Some members of the athletic department certainly had the foresight to understand that opportunities like the one Friday come along rarely. If I’m in charge of tickets, I’m doing everything possible to make sure the DeCarlo Center is packed to the brim with JCU students.

Let’s hope in the future, the most experienced members of the athletic department are given the most say in these types of decisions.

My name is Andrew, some people call me Raff, and some people call me some other things not fit for print.

I’m going to help you out. And no, don’t come up to me offering me money for my services; this is pro bono work. I do it because I love to give back to Johnny C. And besides, you’re going to need that money for when you get written up, which will be soon if it hasn’t happened already.

What I’m about to tell you is more important than anything you learned at orientation or could ever hope to get out of FYS. Professors, if you would like for me to come to your class and talk about this, I would be more than willing. If you take one thing away from your first year at the country’s craziest Jesuit party school, let it be this.

Don’t ever cut across the Quad.

Is it a pet peeve of mine? No. Rather, it is an unwritten rule. But, I wrote it, because you’re freshmen and you need people to write things down for you.

And now, the inevitable question that gets asked is, “Why?” Why can’t you cut across the luscious shortcut that is the Quad? The simple answer is because it’s stupid.

Some upperclassman will say, “He’s wrong, I cut across the Quad all the time.” I urge you to take a long look at whoever says this. You should immediately begin disassociating with this person.

Other people cite their rebellious nature and inability to conform as the reason they cut across the Quad. It’s not about conformity, it’s about respect. Enough people start cutting across the Quad and it will start looking as appealing as the Cuyahoga River.

Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, Thomas Jefferson, the Pope. All names of people who did not cut across the Quad.

Britney Spears, Ryan Leaf, O.J. Simpson, the Hamburgaler. All names of people who did cut across the Quad. I’m not saying that only horrible people cut across the Quad, the facts say that for me.

Imagine a day when everybody cuts across the Quad to get wherever they are walking. All of a sudden, there is no more Quad. All of a sudden, there is no more ultimate frisbee team.

Now, don’t get me wrong, you should enjoy the Quad like free drinks at an open bar. It’s there for you. But don’t be the guy who walks in the middle of a pickup football game with a three-ring binder in hand. Instead, be the guy who  chastises that guy.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. Emergencies, you’re being chased be some type of aggressive animal, or there is an event on campus where there will be free food about covers them all.

Being late for class is not one of them. Professors would rather their students be late then cut across the Quad. After all, there are no shortcuts on the road to success.

The meet, originally scheduled to be held at JCU on May 11 and 12, has been moved to the track of OAC rival Baldwin-Wallace. Because there are ten teams in the OAC, it will likely be ten years before JCU will have a chance to host again.

Concern about the condition of the jumper’s runway was the primary reason varsity track coach Mark McClure recommended the meet change venues. Heaving under the surface has caused the runway to become uneven.

“Visually, the track doesn’t look like it’s in that bad of shape. But, there are lots of bumps out there,” McClure said.

The track has suffered from heaving and parts of its surface are deteriorating from the Cleveland winter.

“We probably have the nicest setup for having a championship track meet. Everything is in place, we just need a new track surface,” he said.
Safety of the athletes was the primary reason McClure recommended the move. Though he admits the chances of an athlete being injured because of the track were low, it was not a risk he was willing to take. He also did not want JCU to be known throughout the OAC as the team with faulty facilities.

In 2005, JCU traded a chance to hold the OACs with Mount Union on the belief that the track would be redone before this year’s championships.
McClure said that the condition of the track and the jumper’s runway have been an issue since he arrived at JCU in 2003.

“If we want to compete for students, the little things make a difference,” he said.

In 2004, a top layer was sprayed to help even the track for the International Children’s Games held at JCU. This proved only to provide temporary relief to the problem.

“Since we don’t have an indoor track, we should have a really nice outdoor track,” said McClure.

JCU is one of only four teams in the OAC that doesn’t have an indoor track. The other three, Muskingum, Heidelberg and Wilmington, all are in the process of looking into building one, according to McClure.
“It’s a matter of priorities,” said Vice President of Student Affairs Patrick Rombalski. “We only have so much money to fix stuff.”

JCU’s financial troubles, including a $2.7 million budget cut last year, haven’t left room for major renovations.

Three companies gave JCU an estimate on the price of fixing the track, with the highest being over $35,000 for a complete overhaul, according to Athletic Director Laurie Massa.

Massa said she has been aware of the problem, but an opportunity to fix the track has yet to present itself.

“It just became something that was a little too risky,” she said.
Making the necessary repairs would mean tearing up the track and jumper’s runway. Because of the snow that continued into Easter, it is unlikely the project would have been completed by the time of the competition.

“It came to a decision based on the students having more time to utilize the facility,” Massa said.

Instead, fixing the track will most likely be part of a larger project that includes replacing the turf on the football field. The life expectancy of both is no more than four more years.

“I think it’s kind of embarrassing that we’re scheduled to have a meet here and we can’t because our runways are uneven,” said Raj Arasu, sophomore member of the track and field team.

I’m not sure which is worse.

But, maybe around 3 p.m. on a Tuesday, things can start to drag.

When you don’t really have any homework and you’ve run out of people to stalk on Facebook, here are some ways to spice up your day.

SUPB should be paying me for this.

Play Aaron Carter on the juke box in the Atrium during the lunchtime rush.
Yell “I can’t take this anymore” in the middle of the library and then throw your backpack out of the window.

Drive up to people on campus and ask them where John Carroll East Campus is.
Grunt really loud while lifting 5 lbs. weights in the Corbo. Eat a Chipotle burrito while running on a treadmill. Try to join a pickup basketball game while wearing short jean shorts (jorts) and protective eye wear. Go into the intramural gym and start running suicides, wearing the same apparel. Rollerblade around the suspended track.

Use a nickname for classes that use sign in sheets. I like to use Andrew “I’d rather be fishing” Rafferty.

On the way to class, walk up to random people, do a spin move and then run away.
Create a blog that makes fun of people who have blogs.

Go into Parkhurst wearing a suit and tie and stare at the food while taking notes. See if anyone says anything to you. When returning your tray, get on top of it and ride it into the dishwashing room.

Sit down with a random group of people eating in Parkhurst and act like nothing is out of the ordinary.

Walk into a random classroom, look around, say, “This isn’t where I parked my car,” and walk out.

Wear sunglasses through an entire class. Cut out eyeholes in a newspaper and sit in the O’Malley Center staring at people.

Hand out invitations to a party in your dorm room.

Go door to door asking people if they’re interested in becoming a Jehovah’s Witness and when they say no, say, “Neither am I, sucka.”

Send random Facebook messages to people you don’t know challenging them to a pie-eating contest.

Instead of saying “goodbye,” end conversations with “tater tots.”

Cut through the Quad on your way to class, wait, that is a horrible idea.
Have a sword fight across campus.

Play in a pickup football game and the first time you touch the ball take off in the opposite direction and don’t stop running.

Walk around campus with a boom box and a large clock draped around your neck. Yell “Flava Flav!” at random points during class.

Stand in the middle of the hall in the AD building doing the robot while classes get out.

Apologize to random people for not calling them back. Go to class with your face painted. Make your ring tone “Liv’n La vida Loca” by Ricky Martin and set it off during class. Enter into a plea bargin.

Mahoney began at the CN her freshman year as a staff assistant and from there moved to head the World News section.

Her sophomore year she moved to the Op/Ed section, this time as the editor. She currently is managing editor, dealing with the day-to-day operations of the paper.

“Katie has done a great job as managing editor both with the behind the scenes editing and with the people issues that come with these types of positions,” said current Editor in Chief Krystina McGiffin.

“I am confident she will not only maintain the high standard The Carroll News has set, but will also take it to the next level,” she said.

Mahoney, who will take over as editor next issue, was elected on March 22.

Mahoney said, “I look forward to working with next year’s staff to build upon the success The Carroll News has had.”

Mahoney, a communications major from Greensburg, Pennsylvania native, hopes to upgrade much of the technology used by the staff.

Much of the publicity of the initiative has focused on the help JCU will be giving to Ohio families with yearly incomes less than $40,000. For students who fall into that income bracket and meet JCU academic standards, their education will be nearly free.

Concern has come from some middle-income students who fear they will be bearing the weight of paying for other students’ education.

Vice President for Enrollment, Brian Williams said this is not the case.

“This is a financial aid strategy change,” he said. “It is not taking money from current students to fund it, rather we are spending the money already budgeted for the freshmen class in a different way.”

The different way in which the money is being budgeted will affect students of all income levels. Williams described it as larger rewards to fewer students.

Merit awards will range from quarter-tuition to full-tuition. The popular Presidential Honors Award and American Values Scholarship will be awarded more sparingly, but worth more.

Along with merit, need-based awards have improved for students of all income levels. Work study jobs will be given out in higher volume to middle-income students than in previous years. Utilizing Federal Perkins Loans is another way for students to keep college costs down.

JCU is also trying to award endowment and donor scholarships to middle-income students in more intentional ways.

“We realize that middle-income families do not have the same level of federal and state grant aid as low-income families,” said Williams. “Therefore we have an even larger commitment and responsibility as an institution to make sure that loan debt is kept in control.”

Williams also noted that there has been no change in room and board costs for next year and the Federal Stafford Loan limit for sophomores has increased from $3500 to $4500.

As for current JCU low-income students who might qualify for the new tuition aid, once there is a clear sense of the freshmen class and returning students in early June, a decision will be made on students who are qualified.

Williams outlined the importance of the change in financial aid in a presentation to faculty and staff last Friday. Low-income families represent nearly 37 percent of high school seniors across Ohio, yet only make up 10 percent of JCU’s application pool.

Williams also addressed the concern that low income meant low expectations. The average GPA of low income students is above 3.5, higher than that of middle or upper income.

Ohio low-income students bring with them to JCU an average of over $9,400 of federal and state grant aid. JCU is also asking that these students take out a Stafford loan of $3,500.

“Our need based commitment to meet full-tuition cost for these students is not a full tuition commitment,” Williams said, referring to the grants and loans available to these students.

Since the initiative was announced in early February, JCU has received positive media attention both locally and nationally.

The Reverend Robert Niehoff said it could have significantly beneficial effects on the University.

“This was a huge PR benefit for us that I thought would lead to dollars and all indicators say it will,” he said.

Let’s pretend for a moment that just because it was printed in the award-winning Carroll News doesn’t automatically make it true. In the spirit of March Madness, you can think of it in terms of giving each major a Rating Percentage Index.

An RPI is a formula that takes into account a how many wins a college basketball team has and their opponents winning percentage. It’s a number that helps sort out what teams should make the NCAA tournament.

To assign JCU majors an RPI you have to look at two main components. The first is the strength of class schedule. What is the average grade of students in the class? How bad do most kids fail the final?

I am going to ask you to overlook the fact that I have no access to these numbers and my scale is completely arbitrary. Needless to say, this won’t be published in the Chronicle of Higher Education.

The second component of major’s RPI would look at the job future of the field you hope the degree will get you. Will you be able to find a job after graduation? If so, how little can you expect to make?

What do a JCU communications degree and The Ohio State University’s basketball team have in common? They both have an RPI of one.

Criticism to my scale would come upon the strength of class schedule for a Com degree. Critics would argue that American Electronic Media can’t stand up against classes like Business Statistics and Microeconomics.

Maybe they’re right, though, anyone who has taken Interpersonal Communications with Dr. Jackie Schmidt knows that studying how people communicate is no small task. It is the second part of the RPI scale that puts communications over the top.

There are very little jobs and the ones that are available pay horribly. It is a lot easier to do your biology homework knowing it is going to get you a job. I complete my homework knowing that the best I should hope for is a job waiting tables at TGI Fridays. I’ve already memorized the drink specials. I might as well drop out and start practicing for my American Idol audition. That is kind of an exaggeration, but not really.

Com majors aren’t alone in having no job opportunities. I mean, what are you going to do with an English degree, write a book?

Let’s get serious John Grisham.

I guess, when you really break it down, every major has an RPI of one because there are no jobs in any field, outside of maybe accounting. If you went to the job fair you would know this.

What I’m trying to get at is, if you listen when the talking heads tell you how hard it is to get a job, you’ll end up studying something you hate just because you’re afraid you won’t get a job if you don’t. I listened to the bracketologists and had Texas in my Final Four. That worked out really great for me.

Study what you want now and never worry about anything that is more than 24 hours away.

It’s worked for me the past 20 years.

A representative from the company told the University that CDigix was no longer providing music service to schools.

Instead, they are focusing on educational media.

“We basically had the service ready to go,” said Student Union President Andy Costigan.

CDigix was an attempt to fight the illegal music and movie downloading that occurs at JCU and college campuses around the world.

Last semester the SU began talking to companies that could provide JCU with a legal downloading service.

Costigan outlined it as a major goal of his administration.

JCU paid no money to CDigix.

“If it is possible and feasible to do with another company, we’ll do it,” Costigan said.

I’m not here to whine about the things that are wrong with this place, but to make people aware of problems and pose some solutions.

Memo to the folks in Rodman, make sure you remove this part of the paper when the JCU potential come to visit. Yeah, they might wonder where page 14 went, but it’s for the best.

The only word that could describe my visit to Parkhurst last Friday was flabbergasted. At the Jesuit University in Cleveland, the main entrée for the First Friday of Lent was turkey meatloaf. Really guys, meatloaf?

Now, I’m sure the Parkhurst management would say that they also had cheese tortellini, peanut butter and jelly and their always edible pizza.

It is hard enough to remember not to eat meat on Fridays during Lent as it is. But, when the first thing you see when walking into the cafeteria on the first Friday of Lent is meatloaf, it makes remembering even more difficult.

This is a Catholic university –– you should at least promote it. You can still keep the hamburgers and hotdogs out for those who want it. But, why not feature your famous grilled cheese and tomato sandwich? Yeah, they put tomatoes on grilled cheese, but at least it doesn’t have meat.

I think I echo the student body when I say that I would be very disappointed if Parkhurst was back next semester.

Honestly, I am tired of hearing people complain about finding rocks in their mashed potatoes. We need to bring someone new in here so we can complain about different things. Don’t worry, union contracts mean the Parkhurst employees won’t be going anywhere.

Now, here comes one of JCU’s hottest issues, the graduation ceremony. People have been graduating here for a while, so you would think we could have gotten this down by now, but it is a complex issue.

Let me start out by saying the Hamlin Quad is a horrible idea. It is mostly a parking lot and a terribly uneven one at that. Get rid of the temporary lot, then we’ll talk.

In the ideal world, the Main Quad is the best bet.

The problem is that if it drizzles three months prior to the ceremony it will still be soaked. This leaves us with Shula Stadium, in my humble opinion, our best outdoor venue for commencement.

Yeah, you can’t really see campus from the field, but families will get a great view when they have to walk there from their parking spot behind Dolan.

And if it rains, throw the ceremony in the gym. I know that means limiting the amount of guests you can have. That means that one aunt you only see on Christmas probably won’t be able to come.

Limited guests is actually a good thing. Most of the friends and relatives that show up are just trying to be polite, they really don’t want to go to your boring graduation ceremony anyways.

The exception is if we get Tim Russert back as commencement speaker, then we’ll just move it to Cleveland State.

For those of you who are not enlightened as to who Fletch is, let me give you an abridged version of his resume.

He is a NFL linebacker who has led the Buffalo Bills in tackles since he arrived there in 2002.

He won a Super Bowl with the St. Louis Rams.

To put it bluntly, he’s the bee’s knees.

Oh yeah and he graduated from JCU in 1997.

The relationship between Fletch and I began on a sunny day in Orchard Park, New York.

It was 2004, and another disappointing season of Buffalo Bills football was set to begin.

I stood outside the player’s parking lot, trying to match athletes up with the color of the Hummer they drove. That’s when I saw Fletch come rolling in.

I yelled “Yo Fletch” and he waved in my general direction.

A security guard stared at me until I left.

The Bills lost that game, but Fletcher stole my heart.

I built a Madden Dynasty around him, the Buffalo Fletcher-Bakers.
Unfortunately, in the first game Fletcher sustained a career ending injury, so I moved the team to Mexico City and that was the end of it.

Then, in the most recent chapter of our storybook friendship, Fletch and I have been working out together.

By working out together I mean that we were both in the Corbo at the same time.

There are not a lot of other schools where you’re going to see pro athletes working out in the same facility as the general student body, certainly not Baldwin-Wallace.

I thought about going in with my Fletcher jersey on while he was there.

I would act very surprised when I saw him.

“You’re London Fletcher and I’m wearing your jersey, what a coincidence!”

I would then ask him if he wanted to see my dorm room, or if he wanted to hang out later.

Maybe he would like to grab dinner at Parkhurst?

I would use a guest pass on him.

I was also going to ask him if I could just stand next to him while he was lifting, pretending to spot him. We could give each other high fives after each set.

My ultimate goal is to have Fletch tackle me.

Yea, I realize this would cause severe bodily damage to me.

But, when people asked me how I broke my leg, my answer would be “London Fletcher-Baker tackled me.”

If I died, the cause of death would simply read, “London Fletcher-Baker jacked this kid up.”

Even if you don’t like football, you have to respect how hard Fletch promotes JCU.

Nationally syndicated sports talk show host Jim Rome asked him in his rookie season what he would do if the whole NFL thing didn’t work out for him.

His response was, “Do you realize I have a degree from John Carroll University? I can get a job anywhere in the country.”

How can you not love the guy?

We could go on for hours about the pros and cons of both, but there is one indisputable advantage to getting a house – the sweet parties you can throw.

I will tell you one thing, if I ever found myself in a house, I would have some epic parties. You would find yourself talking about how that kid from the award-winning Carroll News could really throw a party.

What would make them so epic? I would have some historic theme parties.

I’m not talking about the Warrensville standard theme parties. No, I’m an innovator and I’m going to take theme parties to the next level.

While you’re picking out a garbage bag to wear to an “Anything but clothes” party, I would be preparing my home for theme parties like “Let’s write some prose,” “Anyone but Joes,” and “I got your nose.”

I like pajama parties the way they are, so I probably wouldn’t change those at all.

The idea of the Gatsby themed party is awesome, it is a great piece of American literature and a great book to party with.

But, how about giving some credit to another great American writer?

I’m talking about Dr. Seuss. At my Dr. Seuss themed party you would need to wear one of those “Cat in the Hat” hats and rhyme everything you say. It would be a short party, because it would get really annoying and people would leave.

I would also have theme parties to go along with the month. This month I would have a “Presidents Day Party,” in which everyone dresses as their favorite president or first lady.

You would also need to prepare a one page, double-spaced paper on your president. I would check for plagiarism, so don’t think you can just copy and paste off of Wikipedia.

However, I would not allow anyone to come as Martin Van Buren, because he sucked.

At the beginning of each semester I would have a “Back to school” party, where I would raffle off school supplies. You know, pens, pencils and cases of Natty Light. There might also be a 50/50 drawing, I’m not sure yet.

Holiday themed parties would be big in my house. Around Thanksgiving you would be required to bring a dish to pass. Let me tell you this right now, if you bring stuffing, I’m not going to eat it. We have a rocky history.

For my Christmas party, everyone would recite a poem or song they wrote about why they love Christmas. If you don’t love Christmas, I invite you to air your grievances as to why you dislike the season of giving. The poems would all need to rhyme though, because I don’t like poetry that does not rhyme. You would still be welcomed if you celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.

October would bring a Halloween party where – actually, I’m going to stop right there.

P.S. I would like to thank all the ladies of “The Vagina Monologues” for my shout out. You can find me in The Carroll News room, located across from the Corbo Fitness Center.

The number is consistent with what administrators had originally predicted when the packages were first offered.

For most of the 11, this will be their final semester teaching at JCU. Some have expressed interest to defer their retirement until the 2008-2009 academic year.

“Our concern in making these decisions is that we protect all academic programs from severe strain,” said La Guardia.

March 15 will be the deadline when it will be decided which faculty will stay the extra year. Department chairs, academic deans and La Guardia will examine which departments that were most severely effected by the retirements.

The packages were offered to tenured, full-time faculty members who have worked at JCU for 10 consecutive years and are over 62 years old
The Department of Mathematics and Computer Science was hit particularly hard by the retirement packages, according to Chair Douglas Norris.

Three of its members have accepted the packages.

“We have been hit hard,” said Norris. “We are in danger of being left without any statisticians at a time when we have to offer more statistics courses than ever before.”

Last year, two visiting professors left JCU. One was a statistician and a faculty member with a joint appointment with both the Math and the Education Department. The only other statistician has accepted the buy out.

The department will be reduced from 18 full-time faculty members to 12 with one part-time professor, if those professors leave at the end of the semester.

Accounting professor Richard Fleischman said, while he has accepted the offer, he has no plans on slowing down.

“I do not intend to retire in any meaningful sense,” he said. Fleischman said the decision to accept the package was easier for him than most of his colleagues in the same situation.

At 66, he said his wife was anxious to move to Florida to live with her mother.

While on leave this semester, Fleischman is still working on research projects and editing his journal, the Accounting Historians Journal. Part of the retirement package gives professors the right to teach courses if needed.

Fleischman said he intends to teach a course over the summer and the seminar course he developed in the fall, if he is still living in Ohio.

“More than anything else, my retirement is just a change in venue,” he said.

Monday saw a low of -4 degrees, with the wind chill making it feel like -12.

Thousands of schools throughout the midwest were closed on Monday and Tuesday because of the frigid temperatures. Despite the weather, no major colleges or universities in northeast Ohio cancelled classes.

The rumors that floated around campus that Case Western Reserve, Notre Dame and Ursuline College were closed on Monday were false.

“With the proper clothing, there was no significant danger to students,” said Academic Vice President David La Guardia.

It is La Guardia who is charged with the task of deciding whether or not to cancel classes. On days when the weather is expected to be inclement, he wakes up at 5:30 a.m. and starts to monitor the forecast.

La Guardia said he watches the Weather Channel and will sometimes call the highway department to find out .

He also calls Campus Safety Services and JCU facilities to find out if the snow has impaired parking.

For those still wishing for a day off, snow is the best shot. Along with creating hazardous driving conditions, snow can severely limit the amount of available on-campus parking, which could lead to school’s cancellation.

“We know that when people hear the reports of high schools and grade schools closing, they tend to assume universities operate the same way,” La Guardia said.

“There have been times when I have regretted not closing,” said La Guardia. “Yesterday [Monday] was not one of them.”