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If I were a cereal, I’d be Raisin Bran

March 19th, 2014

The other day, I underwent a life-changing experience (Get ready, friends. This is about to be deep). It all began around 2 a.m. – well into the wee hours of the night – the time where the most pivotal moments occur.

Like all the other great minds who have walked these JCU halls before me, I found myself assuming the thinker pose, and wondered, “who am I?” Ah, yes. This question is no stranger to the vast majority of college students. (This is why there’s Instagram – so we can hide behind the façade of filtered, hand-on-hip duck face photos to mask our true identities).

In this moment of self-doubt, I found myself turning to the wisdom of an omniscient entity whose insight never ceases to amaze me – the all-mighty, all-powerful, BuzzFeed.

As I scrolled through the options of where I would find my answer, I believe I was guided to this window of knowledge not simply by chance, but by fate. I clicked on the link. I cracked my neck, took a swig of coffee and reclined back into my fluffy zebra pillow – I was ready for my revelation.

In just a few minutes, I would realize who I was, and why I was put on this big ol’ hunk of earth – thanks to the “Which cereal are you?” quiz.

The anticipation was killing me. I’d like to think I’m quirky and loveable, like Jess Day from “New Girl.” So, maybe I’d get Fruit Loops? Or, perhaps since I’m tough and crunchy, but coated with sugary sweetness, I’d get Frosted Flakes. After all, I’m “more than good. I’m grrrreat!” Wouldn’t you agree?

Before I answered the final question, I was overcome with a tingly sensation – nervous, yet excited to finally come face to face with the answer I had sought after for so long (I believe the total count was around eight to 10 minutes).

And, before you could say Higl’s Squiggles, “click!” – I was….Raisin Bran.

I stared at the screen with a look of disgust.

Thoughts raced through my head. I was sent straight into panic mode.

“What? How could this be? I can’t possibly be Raisin Brain. It’s what old people eat. It’s just so – boring. I can’t be boring. I wear hot pink skinny jeans and a black leather jacket on the reg. I’m like an edgy brunette Barbie.”

Or maybe not.

But apparently  ladies and gentlemen, that’s me. “Miss Boring.” But hey – I’ll be sure to keep you regular.

Thinking there was some sort of technological glitch, I retook the quiz again. And again. And again. Each time, to my dismay, I got the dreaded cereal “that must not be named.”

And then, it dawned on me. Why deny it? I am boring. Heck, I licked a pint of Ben & Jerry’s clean when taking this quiz on Thirsty Thursday while most of my peers were out and about doing things “cool kids did.”

After I surrendered the BuzzFeed battle of 2014, I realized there was only one thing I could do: spice up my life. The first thing that had to go were my daily to-do lists. Fun people don’t have lists. They’re spontaneous. They don’t have structure.

However, I was unsuccessful in my pursuits. Unfortunately, I was physically unable to delete my color coated “stickies” that adorn the desktop of my MacBook which spell out everything I need to accomplish and the order it should be accomplished in.

Okay, no worries. On to Plan B. Maybe I’ll go into the atrium, crank dat Soulja Boy and shake it like a Polaroid picture during the lunchtime hours when students are scurrying past the pestering student orgs who want to try and sell them something just to get a bite to eat.

No, that won’t work. Despite my years of theatrical experience and the fact that I can go onstage and act entirely ridiculous in front of hundreds doesn’t erase the fact that I’m mortified of crowds in an informal setting. Scratch that off the list.

What about running across the quad? That’s not too bad. It’s a start. It’s somewhere. It’s doable.

Too bad my palms are clamming up and I’m becoming nauseous just thinking about it.

I’m way too much of a good girl. I follow the rules. I’m an organizer. Everything has its place. If it’s not, all hell breaks loose and I buy out Ben & Jerry’s entire section of ice cream – stress eating pint after pint in order to cope.

Alright, maybe I am Raisin Bran. But I’m comfortable with who I am. Anything else would just feel unnatural.

So whether you’re Cheerios, Cap’n Crunch or Lucky Charms, embrace the cereal you are. Don’t think for a moment that you’re not any less tasty than all the other cereals out there. (Wait, I feel like I could’ve worded that differently…).

And, to all my fellow Raisin Brans out there – just keep being you. And, in the words of BuzzFeed, “there is nothing sexier than a healthy digestive tract.”