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Against the scales

February 26th, 2014

 

I’m the stereotypical Libra. I’m the biggest socialite since Jay Gatsby. I analyze situations until I have multiple outcomes and I tend to have deep connections with people. Libras tend to be more indecisive than Patrick Star’s food order at the Krusty Krab, and we tend to avoid confrontation.

 

Two major events in my personal life affected me in the last month. One event, luckily, offered me a chance to be set free in a situation that had chained me to a faulty foundation. The other event effected a quality friendship due to dividing issues. Since then, life has been a whirlwind and I’ve been trying to channel Kelly Clarkson and “catch my breath.” However, because of my academic and social obligations, I haven’t really been able to take that pause and breathe.

 

At first, uncharted waters were refreshing. I was leaving islands that had caused me trouble and pain, for the possibility of millions of islands upon the archipelago of opportunities that awaited me in the (Caribbean) waters. But dancing from uncivilized sand bars and isles worthy of King Kong became boring. The complete difference in my life was evident to those around me, and was even more stark to me. Clearly, my ship needed to dock at some idea, some concept or even some person before I risked sinking below the waters I so desperately sought.

 

I was unable to control the outcomes to those two events. I was unable to solve the problems that I had so vehemently overanalyzed. I confronted them, although I had not wanted to, and it sent me sprawling among the open waters looking for safety.

 

During my immersion trip to New Orleans in January, I recalled to the JCU NOLA community about my “emotional crockpot” back in 2013. An “emotional crockpot” is when you allow emotions and feelings to fester into a toxic heap that leaves you feeling absolutely wretched. As I was down in Louisiana, I knew that I wasn’t going to turn this semester into another emotional crockpot and decided to seek a day-by-day lifestyle.

 

I realized confrontation can be my ally in certain situations (It doesn’t hurt that I’m not very good at it either). I simply can’t let people walk over me anymore. I’m standing up to situations, and I’m going to address what needs to be addressed. And even if it ends poorly, I’ll be fine, because I’m brave. And because I’m Matt Hribar.

 

You might be wondering what my plan is. And frankly, like the scales that continue to define my Zodiac kind, I’m unsure. I guess I’ll soon have time to take that breath and finally see where my cards lie. During a freewrite for a rap verse for my third mixtape, (this summer folks!) I wrote down: “Nothing fails if you dub things as failures, instead of the birth of future success, like saviors.”

 

So I’m ending my indecisive streak and my disinterest of confrontation. And if those past islands decide to shine their lighthouses, asking for my return, my ship will set sail for them. Because Libras are always loyal to those they hold in their hearts.

 

I don’t regret confronting those two situations. They had weighed my heart for so long that it was time to be lifted for once. I was happy, but I knew that by confronting grey-zone territories and unstated emotions, that I would be happier in the long run. And looking back, I can live with myself, even though I may have lost two great friends in the process. It’s awful that, as of right now, my friendships and relationships with two great friends, have been put on pause. I’m hoping in the future that I can rebuild a dock upon their islands.