Four signs Cinderella was on methamphetamines

February 19th, 2014


Once upon a time, there was a blonde who fell in love. She had no friends and her stepfamily treated her like the dust she swept for free. But because she had no life, she had all this time on her hands to do whatever she pleased.


“Cinderella” was one of my personal favorite movies when I was younger, but like many kid movies, it strikes me as strange now that I know a thing or two. The plot progresses, and we find out she got a kick out of talking to animals. She also had a fairy godmother with a wand that zapped inanimate objects into glittery and wonderful stuff.


The key part of this storyline, though, was her infatuation with a prince whose castle she stared at all day. She was essentially a stage-five clinger. With all this free time, one might wonder what exactly she did to pass the days. Due to the evidence I will reveal later on, I think her off-screen activities were not Disney-friendly.


I understand that kid movies require a suspension of disbelief. I’m well aware that mice don’t speak English. But if you’ll bear with me, I have a theory that I want to explore about “Cinderella.”


Now please don’t assume I’m a Disney-hater or, specifically and perhaps more dastardly, a Cinderella hater. I am no such thing. I think I have watched and re-watched more Disney movies than I should ever admit to any human being.


That being said, I still have a theory, one that other people have had in the past. These people think the movie is trippy. I would have to agree.


Some of these reasons may not be obvious to some. The only obvious one I can think of is the technicolor bubbles while Cinderella scrubs the floors. I promise none of my reasons are obvious.  Although I will admit, those bubbles were very cool. The glass slipper, the negligent girl who leaves it at some guy’s place, the singing mice and the pimped- out vegetable – it all makes sense.


I think it’s high time someone emails Walter White, because this chick was definitely cooking something on the side.


These are the four signs Cinderella was on methamphetamines:


1. She talked to mice and birds. Objectively, this is messed up. Now I know every Disney princess talks to animals and that’s great for them, but Cinderella purposely let rodents in the house and then they cleaned the house with her.


I’m pretty sure allowing a mouse on your floor has the opposite effect of a Swiffer. See also: rabies. These mice and birds helped her get dressed (a separate issue) and they sang with her, or so she claimed. You tell me what’s not right.


2. She let some random woman whip up a dress for her. If Cinderella was conscious of how life-changing this ball could potentially be, then there is no explanation other than illegal substances as to why she entrusted her appearance to a stranger. This also shows she’s clearly an amateur and has never had a prom dress crisis.


3. She’s convinced that a pumpkin acts as a carriage for three hours. It’s a convenient amount of time, that’s all I’m saying. This isn’t Central Park we’re dealing with; this is her front yard.  And it’s a pumpkin.  Another development is that she thought her vermin friends that she harmonized with became the horses to draw said pumpkin carriage. How convenient.


4. She forgets her shoe at the ball. If this doesn’t sell it for you, I don’t know what will. I don’t know any girl who would knowingly leave her shoe on some guy’s staircase ESPECIALLY if it was brand new. Blasphemy.


Regardless of the fact that her outfit was fashioned by her fairy friend is beside the point. It’s a shoe – go get it. She knows it’s sitting there but she leaves it. Meryl would have never sent her to Paris.


Any girl who pulls that stunt over keeping a solid pair is on something strong. No man’s opinion of you is worth losing a shoe over. Chances are he will not gallivant the streets to find the perfect foot. If he does, he either has a foot fetish or OCD. You don’t want either.


If he’s like most of the guys I know, he’ll try to sell that stiletto and use the cash for beer. Charming, indeed.


Although you may think Cinderella is just another princess in a children’s story, I think she may have broke bad.