Alright, John Carroll University, I have to get something off of my chest. No, it’s not the three manly chest hairs I finally grew this year (aww yeah). It’s an emotional problem, and I need your help, JCU. You see, there is this girl who I like a whole lot. As a single man, I’ve tried to make it obvious that I’m into her, but she doesn’t respond well to my advances. In fact, she has been acting all kinds of weird lately. Just last night, I stood outside her window at Hamlin Hall, with a boom box playing the classic Foreigner love ballad, “I Want To Know What Love Is,” when she proceeded to pour hot coffee out of her window all over my face.
She is a really smart girl. About a week ago, I was going through her trash, just to get to know her better, and I found out that she gets A’s in all of her classes! Nothing is more attractive than a smart girl whose trash doesn’t even stink!
She may be smart, but she doesn’t understand certain social norms. For example, last night I left a sacrificed cow at her front door to express my love for her, but she just screamed so many bad words. I don’t know why, I mean, she’s not a vegetarian. I saw her eating a turkey burger for lunch in the Schott Dining Hall yesterday, at the third table to the left when you enter, at 12:39 p.m.
She knows how to take care of herself, too! When I went to fold her laundry on Tuesday, I could tell she was using my favorite scent of Tide detergent (Tide Plus Febreeze). But, folding laundry wasn’t all that great. I was smelling my favorite bright blue sweater she wears when she stormed in the room and slapped me in the face. Her fingernails left a red imprint on my cheek – she must have just painted her nails! Yeah, I haven’t washed my face with my Neutrogena acne face wash since it happened.
Another discouraging thing happened last Friday night. She was leaving her sorority floor before her formal, to find me waiting for her in a blue tux and a rose. I told her that she would have more fun with me as her date than the Sig Ep she was with. Her date proceeded to tie me to a chair and kick me down the stairs (there are four stories of stairs in Hamlin hall, just so you know.) I texted her saying I hope she had a good time later that night from the hospital. She texted me back an emoticon of a middle finger. Who knew the iPhone 5 had one of those!
I just feel as though I am well qualified to be her man. I know so much about her! For example, her favorite color is orange. Her barber’s name is Sue. Her social security number is 132-88-2354. Her bed sheets are yellow. Her debit card pin number is 9935. In the white pages, she is the 19th one from the top left corner of page 226. Who else would know that about her?
I don’t know the next step I should take, John Carroll students! Seriously, I need your help! Please write back. I swear to you all, I’m a nice guy who just wants to get to know her better. I just want to be the one who can sit beside her, stroke her hair and occasionally put it in my mouth. I want to be her knight in shining armor who picks her out of the hellish world she is living in and takes her to see a Nicholas Cage movie. I want to be the man who looks deep into her eyes and tells her exactly how many eyelashes are on her eyelids (122 as of three hours ago).
Below this article, there is an email address listed. If you could please take some time to respond to this column I would sincerely appreciate it. I simply don’t know what I am doing wrong. Perhaps it’s just the girls at John Carroll. They never seem to know how to give a good guy like me a shot.
Come on, mystery girl, let’s have fun on a date!