A formal concession

January 24th, 2013

My fellow patriots,

Now that Barack Obama has officially been sworn in for his second term as President of the United States of America, I must now face the harsh reality that I did not in fact win the presidential race.

It’s true Đ I was never an official candidate; but there was always a glimmer of hope that someone would write me in, and I would sweep the ballots.

I was positive that’s why it was taking so long to count Florida’s votes Đ all the grandmas were voting Bayer.

But have no fears, this Bayer is not hibernating until the next election. I will be using the next four years to campaign again for a bid for that sacred seat of Commander in Chief.

Maybe you’re just as surprised as I was to find out I hadn’t been elected president. At first, I wasn’t completely sure I had actually lost the race, because “#Bayer4Prez” was still trending on Twitter. But then I realized that it was actually only trending in my own tweets, and I had to face the music.

It was kind of awkward on Monday when Barack and I both showed up at the inauguration to be sworn in, but the assertive folks in black suits and sunglasses were very helpful in escorting me off the premises. I had no idea the Men in Black worked for the White House, but it kind of confirms my suspicion that Joe Biden is an alien.

So, in the spirit of camaraderie and patriotism, I would like to offer some official words of concession:

I have full confidence that President Obama will show his true grit in these next four years. I believe the office of the presidency is kind of like getting into a cold pool in summer Đ it takes some time (four years apparently) to get used to it, but then you’re golden to enjoy the swim. But if you stay in too long (like FDR did), then you just might get all pruny (and die of a massive cerebral hemorrhage).

It’s important that Obama uses these next four years to really focus on the hard-hitting issues our nation is facing, which, according to the social media, are Snookie’s baby, Angry Birds and a lot of rather scornful cats. That’s how to truly win the hearts (and “likes/retweets”) of Americans.

Although I feel that I would have been a great choice for president, I believe Obama definitely has what it takes. But just because he won the election, doesn’t mean he can beat me at everything.

And to prove it, the following is a list of several things I’m quite sure I could beat him at Đ Mario Kart; determining which Olsen twin is Mary Kate and which is Ashley in Full House; eating Animal Crackers; looking good in a kilt. The list goes on. My point is, Mr. President, we all have different talents, and just because you’re better at international relations and professional diplomacy than me doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t make an awesome president too.

I have a couple goals for the next election:

Foremost, I want to be the nation’s first Native American president. This one might be particularly hard to achieve, since I am a fourth generation American of 100 percent Western European descent. But if stem-cell research continues to progress, then I’m not at all worried about my genes getting in the way of my dreams.

My next point of order would be to make Nutella the official national spread. Because what’s more American than apple pie? Apple pie with Nutella! You’re welcome.

There’s also that silly rule about not being president until you are 35 years old. It seems like kind of an arbitrary age to me. Plus, it’s just more numbers to remember Đ 18 to vote, 21 to drink, 25 to rent a car, 35 to be president É I’m not a math person, and I don’t appreciate the legal system testing my arithmetic.

And for that reason, I have come up with a “universal age of legality,” an age at which you can do all of the aforementioned activities. By taking the sum of all of those ages and patriotically dividing it by the number of stripes on the flag, I have determined that to be president, or buy porn or rent a car, you must be at least seven-and-a-half-years-old. Case closed.

So, since I have been at least seven-and-a-half-years-old for over 14 years, you can expect my name on the ballot come 2016.

May God bless you, me and, of course, America.