At the crack of dawn I am awake, ready to pounce on a single mistake. I prowl the halls like a sly fox, ready to key into any room that I even suspect to have an extension cord. Oh yes, residents of John Carroll University, I am the evil RA, and I am out to get you.
Tear down my poster? I’ll be there to make you hang it back up with a “write-up” before you can even make it to the stairwell. Don’t you dare try to run! I’ll chase you down and dropkick you to the floor if it is necessary. There will be no acts of vandalism in my hall (Bro-celli second floor). There will, however, be creative bulletin boards teaching you about everything concerning life and how to live it the best way ever. Want to live a fulfilling life? Read the wisdom on the bulletin boards, it’s all there. If you don’t, well, prepare to fail at accomplishing all of your hopes and dreams!
Is that alcohol on your breath? Don’t even worry, I have your Banner ID number memorized. You’re goin’ down. Oh, hey! Nice backpack! I didn’t know people liked to study at 2:00 in the morning on Saturdays with bookbags shaped like 12-packs of beer! Open it up, maybe we have the same books: Let’s compare and contrast them!
You left a small piece of toilet paper on the floor of the bathroom? Sounds like a $10,000 fine to me! Ready? Set? Write-up! I demand clean bathrooms: Nothing else will be tolerated.
Quiet hours mean quiet. There will be NO whispering allowed. If I so much as hear a door handle turn, be prepared to do community service for months.
Oh, I see you left your laundry in the dryer five minutes after your clothes were done being dry… how does one fine per piece of clothing sound to you? Sounds like Tide-scented justice to me! Oh, and is that your ramen noodles in the water fountain, sink and toilet? I’ll make you eat them straight out of where you left them, you conniving resident!
Fear me, you mere mortal residents! Because I am not just a college student; I am a college student on an ego trip that is conquering the halls one documentation at a time. In fact, my ego is so big that I can’t fit it through the small Pacelli door into my room. Seriously, why isn’t my room bigger? I should have double doors entering to my room, a glorious apartment equipped with gold-plated wallpaper and maybe a water slide from my window to the ground level.
My mom wouldn’t be proud of me for writing a completely sarcastic column. So if I may, I would like to take a turn to the obvious and denounce a few perceptions of being a resident assistant.
I hope it was apparent to all that what was written above was parody. A lot of my friend RAs feel as though that is the way some residents view them.
In reality, I must confess: I am an idealist. I took the job as an RA to help people, as many RAs do. I had a tough freshman experience, and the people that were there for me the most were my friends and RAs. On terrible nights when I was stressed about life, and all I wanted to do was sleep, an RA enforcing quiet hours helped me find refuge in sleep. When my friends were out and I needed someone to talk to, I would go to the RA on duty to talk things through. They helped me through a very tough spot in my life, something I want to reciprocate for others.
I have one simple message that has no bitter feelings, please trust me on that: RAs are college students just like you. We struggle with our jobs in the hope of making your experience the best we can. But the mode of service doesn’t just go one way. You guys serve us by saying hello and giving us feedback about your living environment. So please, talk to us. We care about what you think. We want to help where we can. We want your friendship!
Oh, but if you are reading this in someone else’s hall after 12 a.m. on weekdays or 2 a.m. on weekends, please return to your hall. It’s past visitation hours.