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The column about you

November 1st, 2012

John Carroll, I am yours. Just as The Carroll News is “the student voice of JCU,” I would like to think that the Bayer Essentials is a voice of and for the students, too.

I’ve written a lot of columns about what I believe are interesting topics. However, it has come to my attention that I haven’t covered all the bases; there are still many topics that I have yet to write about. And with so few columns left before I graduate, I want to do my best to please everyone.

Since I’m not exactly sure what you’re looking for, I have written this “one-size-fits-all” column. Enjoy:

Dear readers,

I’m simply (delighted by/devastated by/intrigued by) your recent (jousting victory/food poisoning episode/mitochondrial research). It’s not often that I have the chance to talk about (medieval sports/illness/science), but it is definitely worth discussing.

The first thing you should do is talk to (the JCU sports information department/the health center/a biology professor). I’m sure they would be very excited to (take your picture/treat you for your upset stomach/let you use the fun and expensive equipment).

Once you’ve done this, you’ll be well on your way. The next step, of course, is handling publicity. It would be a great story for (Zach Mentz’s sports section/a legal journal/The Princeton Review). From there, who knows? You might even get sponsorship from (the Nike jousting division/a defense attorney/Discovery Health).

If it happens again, then you’ll probably (have the best jousting record in the OAC/be advised to seek immediate medical attention/get a lab named after you in Dolan).

Chances are good that with your newly acquired attention, people will want to take pictures of you. A safe bet to avoid embarrassing or harmful photos from showing up is just to provide them with pictures of (you and your horse/your GI tract/the cells you’ve been studying) from the start. This will help prevent paparazzi from getting the shot that (sends you back to the 1500s/shows way too much of the “aftermath”/inspires an episode of House).

It’s also good to let your family know. Although we enjoy relative freedom in college, we can’t forget how important it is to keep (good old mom and dad/Fuzzy, your pet guinea pig/Joe, the homeless guy who sometimes sleeps on your trampoline in the backyard) in the loop.

But, with great opportunity comes great risk. If you (accidentally killed your opponent/have a weak stomach/forgot to write down your procedure in the lab report) you could find yourself in a sticky situation. Nobody wants to hear about the person who (doesn’t know how to control their lance/has too many dietary restrictions/almost discovered the cure for AIDS but forgot to write it down).

That brings me to my next piece of advice – whatever might happen, remember to be humble. It might come off as arrogant or just plain wrong if you walk around telling everyone (how you were the one who finally beat the Black Knight/the gross details of your indigestion problems/that you are God’s gift to science).

Since this hasn’t really happened since (the Middle Ages/last week, when there was a report about plastic shrapnel in food from the ‘Tween/ever), make sure to handle yourself with dignity; people will be looking to you as a role model.

Last, but not least, you should be commended for (going horse-to-horse against a worthy renaissance adversary/dealing with your food poisoning like a champ/dedicating yourself to countless hours of thorough research and microscopic testing). Good job.

That being said, I hope you feel more included this week. As always, I only want to be your voice; so if you have something else you feel deserves press time, my email address is right below. So, friends, until next time, keep on (reading The Carroll News/using Facebook to avoid doing homework/playing human Frogger when crossing Belvoir).