Get to know Jesus Christ

October 4th, 2012

If Time Magazine existed in the year 0, this King among peasants would have been named “most influential man of the first century.” He inspired the No. 1 selling book in print; and He has a fashion sense that asks “No way? I think Yah-weh.”

That’s right. I’m talking about Jesus.

In my estimation, Jesus was probably the coolest guy ever. He had all the good qualities you look for in a friend, He always had a good story to tell, and He could turn your zero-proof evening into a 40-proof good time. Did I mention He is the Alpha and the Omega, the God above all, the one true Son of God? Yeah, sounds pretty great to me.

But one of the major things that I feel gets lost is the fact that Jesus was relatable. Even though He is the mightiest of mighty, at the end of the day, God made Jesus fully human for a reason – so we can have the personified idea of Christ in our presence.

That’s a big idea for some people to grapple with – how can someone be fully human and fully divine? Well, folks, it’s the same way Optimus Prime can be fully Cybertronian semi truck and fully autotron robot – He just is.

Furthermore, He has the coolest dad ever. Don’t get me wrong – I love my daddy. But let’s be real, having God as your one true father would have been so cool.

Imagine the little league games. Does the other team really think they can win when God is in the bleachers opposite them? Who do they even pray to?

“At bat for the Bethlehem Bread-breakers is the pinch-hitter from the manger himself, Jesus Christ. With his signature Joseph-made bat, the team’s Messiah steps up to the plate and powers one straight across the Red Sea.” And, of course, after every home run, I imagine He would Tebow.

Walking on water is pretty neat, too. Sure, it comes in handy when your friends are stranded on their boat in the middle of a lake during a raging storm. But, I’m really not sure if there’s another practical application of that skill. That’s what makes it such a great talent. Walking on water is like being good at the claw machine. It’ll really only come in handy once, when you’re with a cute girl and you want to impress her. But it’s never really a bad skill to have.

Now can we take a minute to appreciate His beard? In a time where straight razors were centuries from existing, Jesus managed to keep a well-groomed goatee that complimented His flowing hair (which couldn’t be topped until Bath & Body Works came out with their newest Coconut Lime Verbena volumizing shampoo).

Plus, I really love His sense of wit. While most guys would’ve just let the whole crucifixion thing kill them, Jesus waited three days, moved the giant boulder away from His tomb (by Himself!) and came back from the dead. Not only is that amazing comedic timing, but what an awesome display of Godliness too. Imagine Pilate’s face when he heard that one. Classic.

It’s one thing to bring your friend back from the dead (#LazarusProbs); it’s another thing entirely when you can do it for yourself. That’s just plain cool.

Furthermore, instead of seeking revenge on the people who convicted and sentenced Him to death, He met up with his friends, told them a few more stories, descended to Hell to fight the demons of the Inferno and rose to the Great Beyond to unlock the Pearly Gates for the rest of us sinners. Now that’s a good guy.

But, He wasn’t just cool in His time, like James Dean or Levi Strauss; Jesus would be the trend-setter in today’s day too.

Yes, I’m sure He would be considered a little bit indie, liking all the great bands before they even existed.

But just imagine if He went to JCU – He would be the ultimate host (literally); He would totally avoid the freshman 15 (presumably by fasting for 40 days and nights) and He would always have a good story to tell.

“Your mom” jokes probably wouldn’t be as cool with Him, but that’s not too much of a sacrifice compared to what He would probably sacrifice for you.

So no matter what religion you are, you have to admit – Jesus was a pretty cool guy. He would probably want to be your friend, too, whether you’re a prostitute or tax collector, Greek or Jew, slave or free or Murphy girl or Boler boy.

So my column is ended; go in peace to love and serve the (really cool) Lord.