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Mr. Speaker, the President of the U.S. of A.

September 20th, 2012

I’m Cleveland-born and Pittsburgh-raised; one of my best friends is a neuroscience major, while the other one is a philosophy major; and did I mention – I’m hot then I’m cold; I’m in then I’m out; and I’m up then I’m down.

Yes, my life is full of perfect dichotomies. But perhaps the biggest opposites in my life are my parents’ political views: My mom is an ardent liberal Democrat, while my dad is a fervent conservative Republican.

Growing up in that environment was very influential on how I view politics. I never had the luxury of just believing whatever my parents said, because they never agreed about any political issue. This forced me to be a critical thinker and make decisions of my own.

And after two decades of thougt out, critical analysis of politics, I have come to one concrete conclusion: politics stink.

Don’t get me wrong, I love talking about politics and engaging in theoretical debate about what systems and leaders are functional and not. But that’s just because I’m messed up in the head. I also think it’s fun to run 19 miles. See what I mean? Clearly my definition of fun is askew.

But because of my jaded view of politics, I have determined where my beliefs lay on the political spectrum. As I stated in my first ever column, which I wrote in 2010,

I consider myself a Republicrat (or a Democan if you prefer). I am the Goldilocks of politics – the middle is right where I belong.

Unlike many party-neutral Americans, though, I actually do understand the issues. But I also understand that no matter who is in office, we will find something with which to be unhappy.

Unfortunately, it seems as though we are left with only two choices when it comes to voting: Republican or Democrat. So this year, every voting American will be forced to either choose Mitt Romney or Barack Obama when they walk into the polls.

Unless … could there be an alternative that we well-intentioned patriots have missed?

Yes there is! And in this new exclusive Bayer Necessities segment “Deep end of the poll,” I would like to reveal the only logical choice for commander in chief: Bittrack Robamney.

That’s right, in addition to creating my own political party (the Republicrats) I have decided to synthesize my own candidate as well.

At first, I wasn’t sure if science was ready for my political Frankenstein project. But as it turns out, it’s a lot harder to splice political views than it is to splice genes. So after hours of Wikipedia-ing how to build a human being, I successfully created Robamney.

(To be honest, I first got the idea of building my own candidate in the last election, when Obama was running against John McCain. But whenever I created the “McBama,” Mickey D’s bought the patent, ground my creation into a fine pink paste, re-flavored it and sold it as chicken nuggets. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess).

Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering what this new presidential hopeful looks like and believes in. I’ll do my best to describe him.

His appearance is exactly what you might think: average height, pumpkin spice latte-colored skin, full head of graying hair and a smile that says, “Please, you can have the last Pillsbury crescent roll, friend.” Doesn’t he seem like a nice guy so far?

The platform is a little more confusing, but it’s really the only compromise that will make all Americans happy.

Robamney wants to make the country a more just place. So instead of endorsing or eliminating universal healthcare, he plans to make healthcare healthfair: Sure, everyone can have government-sponsored healthcare. But only those at the top of the pyramid will have access to the newest drugs and medical equipment. The middle and lower classes will only be allowed to have used tools and outdated medication. Sorry, working class Americans, you didn’t earn sterilized needles like society’s elites. Enjoy your iron lung though.

Foreign policy? Easy – Robamney wants to annex all the other continents. No more fighting if everybody is “one nation under God,” right? Makes sense to me. Plus, there’s no such thing as illegal immigration if the whole world is the United States.

That also solves the taxes issue. Sweden can pay our taxes. They love paying taxes, so we’ll just let them take care of that and enjoy our wealth for us.

It’s true – Robamney is the perfect candidate. He makes the whole world a happier place. He understands that the trick to politics isn’t about redistributing the wealth, it’s about redistributing the responsibilities of each country. Vote for Robamney, and the United States of the World will be the change we need.

Have your cake and eat it too: Robamney.