March 1st, 2012

Last week, The Washington Post announced that Indiana lawmaker Bob Morris believes the Girl Scouts of America promote homosexuality and abortion and act as a tactical wing of Planned Parenthood.

I should have known that these cookie-pedaling monsters were conspiring with Planned Parenthood when they released their newest cookie this year: Fudge End-it-nows.

I always had a feeling that little Suzy from across the street had an ulterior motive, but I had no idea she was in cahoots with the entire prepubescent female network.

This kind of two-faced atrocity simply can’t be tolerated. And now that I know that I have Morris on my side, I feel comfortable announcing my own conspiracy theories.

The Salvation Army is at the top of my list. They’re an army; of course we should be nervous. That $3 pinstripe suit you got last month was a gateway purchase. Soon, they’ll be vending discounted Tommy guns, and before we know it, there will be a hipster uprising led by the strategic generals of the Salvation Army. I never trust a company that sells reversible 1965 neon orange blazers for less than a thousand dollars.

The Catholic Church is another group I’m not sure I trust. There’s been an awful lot of purple lately; and purple just plain sketches me out. It’s an indecisive color – not quite Advent blue, but not quite Pentecost red either. Make a decision, purple. You can’t have the best of both primary colors.

And then there’s the whole “no gay marriage” thing – another confusing and indecisive belief. You say I can’t have two dads, but then you say I have to call both the priest and God “father.” Then there’s my real father. That sounds like three dads to me.

Unfortunately, this plague of double-dealing organizations isn’t just at the national level – I have my suspicions about some JCU groups too.

Take Greek life for example. On the surface, they come off as a network that promotes service and fraternity. But let’s take a closer look – it’s obviously the strategic recruiting arm of Greece’s imperialist global conquest. Sure, it might look like Greece doesn’t have an economy right now, but when they have the wallets of 25 percent of American college students, the Greek empire will once again be a global power.

Sorry, Beta Tau Epsilon, I’m a proud Scotsman, and your underhanded recruiting won’t switch my kilt for a toga.

Project Labre is another on campus project that I suspect isn’t what it seems. You claim to be working towards social justice. But I know the real reason you go out onto the freezing streets of Cleveland every Friday night – you are all corporate puppets catering to Campbell’s evil plan to monopolize the soup market. Well you aren’t fooling me, you pseudo-Samaritans.

And I really shouldn’t say this last one, but I am almost positive The Carroll News is up to something too. Now, I can’t confirm this, but I’m pretty sure Dan Cooney, our managing editor, is working with Op/Ed editor Nick Wojtasik to commit massive identity theft.

Have you ever noticed how overly friendly Cooney is? And how about when Nick goes snooping around the ‘Tween for Wonderword? If he ever asks for your social security number while you’re trying to figure out what “nystagmus” means, don’t be fooled. Just say no.

So next time you see one of these nefarious organizations (like the Girl Scouts, the Salvation Army or Labre), make sure you understand what their real goal is … because if you don’t, you might end up accidentally promoting civil liberties or advancing human rights. And, as Bob Morris knows, that would be a true violation of our right to suppress rights.