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Come together, stop Sandler

November 17th, 2011

I am, and always have been, very proud to be a John Carroll student. But last week, something happened that made me question that pride. While walking to class through the atrium, my eyes were drawn to the bulletin board. There, posted on the wall between a flu shot ad and a poster for a cultural awareness seminar, was something so hideous, so vile, that I nearly blew chunks right then and there. I’m talking, of course, about the new Adam Sandler movie “Jack and Jill.”

Normally seeing a picture of Adam Sandler just makes me queasy, but the poster was for a John Carroll sponsored event: Late Night Dinner and a Movie. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was impossible that the school I love would sponsor such a harmful and grotesque event, and support a movie that literally makes people more stupid.

“But Ben, it’s just a movie.” I beg to differ. “Jack and Jill” is just the latest in a slew of Adam Sandler movies that have bombarded our movie theaters, tricked freedom-loving Americans into buying tickets, and then taken a dump on their brains. I’m not talking about classics like “Happy Gilmore” and “Billy Madison.” I’m talking about the garbage that Sandler has been putting out for the better part of the last 10 years. Not only are these movies extremely unfunny, but they also induce physical and mental disablement.

Don’t believe me? After seeing “Grown Ups” last summer, my sister forgot how to use stairs, and after an accident with an escalator, had to get spinal surgery. Back in high school, I went to see “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan” with my best friend Billy. I blacked out after the first fart joke, but I awoke five days later to find that I had completely lost control of my bowel movements, and that Billy was in a catatonic state. Luckily, I was able to pull through, but poor Billy never recovered. He still will only respond to Nick Swardson impersonations.

Yet people are still falling prey to Adam Sandler’s shameless deception. All four of his recent movies have made over $30 million their opening weekend. Another disturbing statistic states that they all made over $100 million before ending their theatrical run.

“Jack and Jill” looks to be the worst of them all. The movie has Sandler playing twins named Jack and Jill (really?) who get together for the holidays, despite Jill being a real pain in the butt. It’s painfully cliché in the first place, but then you add Sandler dressed in drag,  you have a pure nightmare. My eyes bled for 15 minutes just after watching the trailer.

It may have been some kind of gross oversight, but John Carroll still needs to take responsibility for the event, and take measures to make sure it never happens again. In fact, we all need to take a stand. As my grandpa always said, “Every time an Adam Sandler movie is released, a puppy is eaten alive by cannibals.” If we refuse to buy the ticket, the movie won’t make money, and no more will be released. We can stop the cycle. If we don’t, there may be nothing to stop Sandler’s reign of hellfire from coming down upon us all.