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Occupy John Carrot

October 27th, 2011

After six and a half semesters here, I’ve become fed up with an assortment of aggravating aspects of campus life.

For example; aren’t you sick of having to walk to class?

Shouldn’t administration provide shuttles for us during the winter months?

Tuition is the highest it’s ever been, and the students should come first if we’re paying so much.

Besides such trivial things, what irks me the most about campus life is this – why are there never enough carrots in the cafeteria?

I’m dead serious. Every time I walk into the cafeteria they’re the only thing that I want to compliment my daily dosage of (thin as paper, but still somehow soggy as a sponge) pizza.

My day is automatically ruined when I walk over to the salad bar and there are only one or two – or in even some cases, none (gasp!) – of those delectable, crunchy, thumb-sized orange sticks.

Can’t a tuition-paying, regularly involved student who gets good enough grades get his fair share of carrots? The founding fathers of this university must be rolling in their graves.

My only question is where are all the carrots going? According to my calculations and rigorous research, the administration only allows the daily carrot import to the cafeteria to account for 1 percent of the entire student population.

Who makes up this “1 percent” who consume almost all of our carrots? Is it a small greedy portion of our fellow students? Is it the cafeteria staff, because they need something to munch on while they are working?

Who’s to say this “1 percent” is even human? Has anyone else noticed the abnormally high rabbit population around University Heights?

I mean, I’m not pointing fingers, but rabbits like carrots. Lots of rabbits means a sharp decrease in carrots. It’s simple economics.

And that’s why I’m proposing to make a student stand against this grave injustice. We’ll call it Occupy Wall – no, better yet, Occupy John Carrot.

I demand the administration act upon the carrot crisis, and until then, I will not attend class. I encourage many of you who see this unjust carrot distribution to join me and drop everything in your life to get this done.

We, as the 99 percent who are only allowed one or two carrots a day, are strong and can achieve equal carrot rights.

The administration should invest in an anti-rabbit force armed with B.B. guns on campus that can wipe out this ever-swelling population of carrot-stealing rodents.

They should also provide us with “carrot stamps” that we can hand in at local grocery stores to cover the exorbitantly high cost of a bag of carrots.

Do you think other colleges have these problems? My brother goes to school in Cincinnati, and in his cafeteria, they just don’t have a salad bar, they have a carrot bar that serves only carrots.

I don’t know if you’ve been to Cincinnati, but I also noticed a sharp lack of certain big-eared, buck-toothed, carrot-loving creatures roaming freely around the city.

We here in the good ole University Heights probably have it the worst out of any college in America.

This administration only seeks to make money by not spending on carrots and doesn’t care about the 99 percent of us who don’t get the carrots that other students around the country are enjoying.

We are the 99 percent, we are Occupy John Carrot.