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An end to death and taxes

April 14th, 2011

Well, it’s that time of year again — tax time. Hopefully, you’ve already grumbled and sent your tax forms in. Otherwise, looks like you’re going to jail on tax evasion. Better luck next year.

Or maybe you’re one of the people who loads your guns, cranks the Charlie Daniels Band and has TEA parties. Newsflash Tea party-ers: if you want to make your point, throw Starbucks Lattes into Boston Harbor; more people like that than tea.

This year, though, I have a different proposal than tax evasion or tea parties. I wouldn’t consider it a particularly modest proposal, but a good one, nonetheless. I think that this fiscal year, everyone should pay me their tax money. Let me explain why this is a much more practical idea than paying taxes to the government.

The first reason I offer is that the government is incapable of handling finances. You should not be sending your money to an organization that doesn’t know if it’s up or down. That would be like investing in Enron. Just last weekend, the country waited in shock to see if the national government would shut down or not.

I promise you, I will not shut down. I’m like the Energizer Bunny — I just keep going and going. So, that’s the first reason you should surrender all of your money to me.

However, the biggest reason you should let me accept your taxes is because I won’t make you fill out confusing forms. There won’t be any 1040 EZs or W2s or anything like that. There will only be one form and it will be very straightforward: the 2011 BB. It will be a simple form with easy questions.

I don’t really care about your social security number or how much money you made in the last year. My form will ask more exciting questions like the following:

1) Have you been naughty or nice this fiscal year?

2) Do you put a lot of money in the baskets at church each week?

3) How many dependents do you have?

4) How many of them do you like?

5) Do you have a job? If not, you should get one.

This form is easy and to the point. And it gives me all of the information I care to know. I’m not much of a numbers person, so that’s why I’m not too worried about the intricate details of your financial information.

For that matter, don’t expect much of a tax return. But if you want, I’ll give you a hug. After all, it’s more fulfilling than money anyways (as long as you find hugs more fulfilling than money, of course).

Now, you may be wondering how the country will operate if I am the one receiving all of the tax money and the government will no longer be getting anything. The answer to this is easy – I will be your government, too.

I promise I won’t get too involved in your stuff. Granted, the infrastructure of the U.S. might fall into a state of disrepair, but we are a country rooted in hope (at least we were in 2008); so it’s my hope that you can find a way across that river without the bridge that just collapsed.

And as far as national security goes, just bring your complaints to me. I will handle them like Marlon Brando in “The Godfather.” Plenty of people (at home and abroad) owe me favors, so I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out. This also eliminates the quagmire of bureaucracy. For example, if Gadhafi continues to lead an abusive regime, I’ll simply make him an offer he can’t refuse.

The final advantage of my scheme is probably the most advantageous. I will not require you to pay taxes; I will only ask you nicely. And since death and taxes are the only permanent things in this world, I figure if I eliminate one, eventually the other will get lonely and end as well.

In short, make me your government and I will foster immortality. And that’s a change you can believe in.