Naming rights – grin and Bayer it

April 7th, 2011

If you follow the Bayer Necessities weekly, you’ll notice that the location of this column has once again shifted locations. It has held its spot in where “License to Gill” currently resides and has most recently moved from below the Op/Ed Top Ten on the opposite page.

Hopefully, the transient location of my column has not discouraged you – I promise you it isn’t just a wandering hobo trying to catch a train to the next warm place (if this were the case, it would have just moved to a newspaper at a Florida university). Up until this point, I prefer to think of finding my column on the page as more of a treasure hunt for my loyal readers.

But, after trying on all of the different locations on the page, my column has finally settled down into this spot on the bottom of the page. Perhaps you’re still wondering why all of this is important. What it comes down to is the name. Only the most prestigious columns have made their way to this location, and I am humbled to be considered one of these columnists.

Before me are the greats: “That’s what See said,” “MAXimum Exposure,” and “You’re wrong, I’m Rafferty.” Figuring out a way to satire our names into a witty column title has been a rite of passage since the inception of The Carroll News.

I found a column from a 1953 issue of the paper titled, “Frankly Yours,” by Frank Tesch. So now that I hold this position, I promise I will exceed the expectations set by my forerunners.

That said, I would like to devote the rest of this space this week to explaining the importance of a name.

On my dresser at home, I have a plaque that reads, “Bayer – You got it from your father, it was all he had to give. Now it’s yours to cherish for as long as you may live.” The poem goes on to emphasize how sacred a name is.

For this reason, I plan to take full advantage of my surname when it comes to naming my own kids, so that they too can have a funny column title. I like the name Brian Bayer, but I often wish my parents would have been more creative.

Don’t get me wrong, the fact that “Brian” derives from the Gaelic words for “noble, king and strength,” is awesome. But as noble as that is, it’s just not that funny. I won’t make the same mistake with my children, especially considering how easy my last name is to manipulate.

I have used the last name Bayer as a pickup line (“Hey, baby, you know what relieves the pain? That’s right, Bayer), a column title (see above) and puns where I see fit (I love walking around Bayer-foot). So with this sentiment in mind, I will endow my kids with this same nominal sense of pride.

I will name my first son Theodore so that his friends can call him Teddy Bayer. My other children will be named Pooh, Grizzly, Black, Polar and, of course, Yogi. Pooh will be my cute, chubby son and Yogi will be my funny son. These are all strong names that bear (no pun intended) with them a connotation of strength and humor at the same time.

Shakespeare queried, “What’s in a name?” Sounds to me like he was just jealous he couldn’t make his name a pickup line.