It’s cold outside. You’re feeling lethargic between waking up and walking to philosophy class. You need something to perk you up, but it can’t be just anything.
For example, it can’t be a cup of coffee from Einstein’s. That might be able to keep you awake while discussing Descartes’s theories on God, but it’s not going to last past psychology, where you’ll be napping to make up for lost REM.
It can’t be a 5 Hour Energy. Yes, it works for the guy in the commercial, but he got paid to pretend it worked and you’re a college student which means you can’t afford to buy 4.8 bottles of that stuff to get you through every 24-hour day.
It can’t be ham sandwiches either because, well, it just can’t.
You’re probably worried right now, wondering what options are left if excessive caffeine and deli meats have been eliminated from contention. Don’t fret, I have a plan: exercise.
Yes, that’s right, exercise. It’s the perfect solution. It gets you moving, it sends endorphins to your brain and it serves as early preparation for beach season. Much like the objects in your car’s side mirror, Spring Break is closer than it appears.
If you did it right, then you spent Thanksgiving eating a lot, Christmas eating a lot, New Year’s Eve drinking a lot, New Year’s Day sleeping a lot, and last weekend playing beer pong in a Warrensville basement. You’ve got a lot to work off.
You hear the word exercise and you probably think about joining an aerobics class, doing power yoga, or even joining the track team. Wrong. Those are dumb ideas. Those all pale in comparison to the one I’m about to suggest.
Hire me as your personal trainer. I guarantee results.
What makes me qualified to be your personal trainer? Better question, what’s your favorite color?
I eat McDonald’s three times, pizza twice, and Taco Bell once a week. For most other meals I eat Ramen noodles.
You would figure I’d be overweight, right? Wrong. I’m about as skinny and malnourished as they come. So clearly I’m doing something right and am qualified to be a personal trainer.
Day one we’ll start with the classic motivational technique of “Hey, that guy’s eating ice cream while I work out, that’s not fair!” Basically you take me to get ice cream, I order an item equal to or less than $12, you pay for it. Then you start doing push-ups, and I count them out for you while simultaneously eating the ice cream you bought for me.
Trust me, it works. I found the method by watching deleted scenes from “Rocky IV,” it was the real reason Rocky was able to defeat the Russian. Well, that and the script.
The next day I’ll show up on a tandem bicycle and we’ll ride around until we find a fast food drive-thru that is slightly uphill. Of course, I will refuse to pedal, so you will have to exert extra effort to get both of us to the second window.
I would feel like a fraud if I didn’t include some sort of abdominal workout, so to work that area of the body I’ll have you go on YouTube and watch people do funny stuff until your tummy hurts from laughing so hard.
I charge 20 McNuggets and a Coke with no ice (approximately $6) per session.
I’ll have you looking like Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino by March, I guarantee it.