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Who wants some free education?

November 18th, 2010

Every week I provde a free education of sorts for the JCU community, but I’m going to do it in a more conventional way this week.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how much I have to do, and I’m not sure I can do it by myself anymore. I need help. I need an assistant, a graduate assistant.

That’s right, I’m looking for my very own G.A. for next semester to help me balance my schedule and responsibilities. I just don’t have time to do everything and I think there’s a valuable opportunity for a graduate student looking to gain experience in being over-ambitious and under-productive. As arguably the busiest and most responsibility-laden student at JCU, I think it’s only right that I get somebody to help carry my workload for me.

While you’re probably jumping at the opportunity to spend a semester under my tutelage, it’s not as easy as jotting down your social security number and giving me 24/7 access to your mini fridge. I expect a lot out of my G.A. You need a skillset as varied and impressive as Tim “The Toolman” Taylor’s toolkit.

Impossible? For most, yes. For the chosen few, though, the Al Borlands of the world, this is the opportunity of a lifetime.

The application process will involve the typical resume and cover letter, but that’s not all. You’ll also need a list of four qualified references, with more education than a G.E.D., who are willing to interview with me in person. The interviews will last from anywhere between 12 and 87 minutes. I may or may not interview these references, but either way they need to be willing to set aside that time for me or I’m not going to consider your application seriously.

Now that I’ve established the basic expectations, I think I should go over what the job entails. It’s pretty standard G.A. stuff as far as doing my dirty work (and for the record, all my work is dirty before it goes through edits).

My G.A. will ghostwrite columns for me, respond to criticism for me, call out people who are full of B.S. for me, and show up to class several minutes late for me.

Meanwhile, I’ll handle all of the essential duties that go along with being a man for others and a local media giant. I’ll retain my radio and television programs, but I’ll put anything that requires more effort than “attendance” on their shoulders.

Maintaining my physique? Not my problem. I’ll make my G.A. practice their editing skills enough to make me look good in all video and photographs in which I’m featured. Some people might call me lazy, but those who have ever been under the intense pressure and scrutiny that comes with being a broadcast legend understand how difficult it is to keep up this persona for more than a week, nevermind four years and beyond.

The only thing standing between you and this opportunity is the fact that no department is sponsoring the “Bob Seeholzer Graduate Assistant” position as of right now. I’m currently in discussions with the program for applied ethics, the Carroll Cinema Society, Beta Theta Pi and the award-winning Carroll News.

Until a sponsor is found, technically your tuition will not be paid for and there will be no real compensation for your work other than my own gratitude (which I’ve been told is worth its weight in gold).

Given those circumstances, anyone who applies before the sponsorship is approved will receive special consideration. My e-mail address is listed below, I look forward to hearing from you.