One of the greatest institutions in America’s democratic system is the right to vote. Just like the jury duty or the draft, voting is an obligation that all American citizens should be excited to fulfill. This past Tuesday was Election Day, and across the country, the people cast their ballots. That’s why this week I would like to use this space to congratulate the winners of the election. Unfortunately, since the paper went to the press before the votes were counted, my salutation is based on sheer speculation.
So, if the Democrats won the election, read this one:
Dear Re-elected Democrats,
Congratulations. The People have made it clear that they do not want a lame duck; they want a kickin’ donkey.
Since you have kept the majority, use your power wisely. For many, the most frustrating aspect of the last two years was how little got accomplished. The public has a short attention span, and if you can’t pass a huge bill in a tiny time frame, break it up into chunks and approach them issue by issue.
The best example of this is health care. Instead of implementing one comprehensive healthcare package, start by offering free aspirin to anyone with a headache. At first, this will be a lot of aspirin, because many people already have headaches over this whole bureaucratic labyrinth that constantly consumes Congress. Don’t worry, though, the headaches will decrease over time.
Next, you can offer lollipops at all doctors’ offices. That was a huge motivation for me to go to the doctor as a child; as an adult, my expectations are the same – when choosing my own healthcare provider, I will not even consider a company that does not offer sugary satisfaction after my appointment.
Lastly, you should consider a backup plan for those that do not want healthcare. My suggestion for this is a complimentary apple to all Americans. It is well-known that one apple consumed daily prevents the need for highly educated physicians in our lives.
If you approach every issue with this model in mind, the public will be thrilled to re-elect you in 2012. So, once again, congratulations for your victory in these elections. As they say, “Blue is true!”
If the Republicans won the election, read this one:
Dear Newly Elected Republicans,
Congratulations. I think everyone saw this one coming, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve praise too. Everyone finally understands what you, the GOP, have been saying all along – Barack Obama and his Democratic regime have done exactly what they set out to do: Give us change – since that’s all we will have left in our pockets after their socialist reforms take place.
Now your task is simple. Keep the people happy and in 2012 Sarah Palin will be riding a pipeline from Alaska to the Oval Office. (By the way, make sure to install the pipeline before the next elections – you can brag about how much it has helped our economy in the next campaign.)
One thing is for sure – Americans are not happy with the economic reforms that have been made. So now you have to stick to your promises and cut taxes … all of them. This is the only way to restore strength to our economy, and it’s on your shoulders to make it happen.
So, once again, congratulations for your victory in these elections. And as they say, “Better red than dead.”
