Other people’s money grows on trees!

October 28th, 2010

We all think about it. Some of us even find success with it from time to time.

No, I’m not talking about parking on campus. I’m talking about something as green as the Hamlin Quad – money.

Everybody thinks about what they would do if they were rich and had a bunch of money to spend on whatever they want. We all have our own ideas and we also get inspired by people that are already rich, like Oprah (free cars for everyone!), Lance Armstrong (raising money for cancer research) or even that Mark Zuckerberg guy (trying to improve public perception because a movie about your career is hitting theaters soon).

While those are (mostly) very noble things to do with an abundance of wealth, some people play by their own rules.

Unlike most owners of professional sports franchises who spend a ton of money to acquire a team then become more conservative with their finances after that, Mark Cuban goes against the grain. Cuban owns the Dallas Mavericks and has spent the last decade racking up fines from the NBA for speaking his mind and standing up for his players.

Chad Ochocinco, wide receiver for the Cincinnatti Bengals and reality TV regular, sets aside money every year for the fines he plans to incur for his celebrations.

Those guys and I are on the same page. They use their money to do or say things that others might consider “crossing the line” and they do it in the name of entertaining their audience or defending their own. They’re my kind of rich people.

If I had more than six dollars in my wallet, I’d be like them and do some really funny stuff with my money. But I’d do even funnier stuff if I were someone else and they were rich.

LeBron James has a lot of money and a lot of people who don’t like him. If the same could be said about me, I’d buy a home in Miami that cost the same amount of money as what the Cleveland Cavaliers paid me for my seven seasons with them. While it might be difficult to find a home that costs exactly $62,020,913 it would be worth the search to essentially have Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert know that he paid for my house.

Then I’d do an episode of “MTV Cribs,” of course.

Tobey Maguire, who starred in the first three films of the “Spider-Man” series, isn’t playing that role in the upcoming fourth installment. If I had played Peter Parker in three of the highest-grossing films of all time, I’d have a web-shooting device surgically implanted in my wrists. That way when the fourth movie comes out, I could “web” the people that went to go see it before they bought their ticket so it wouldn’t gross as much money as my films did.

It might sound spiteful, and that’s because it is.

Someone who could definitely stand to make some different decisions with her money would be Lindsay Lohan. I’m not sure how much she has still has left after all of her legal fees, but I’d take what’s left and buy a new, more harmless addiction.

If I were skateboarder and MTV star Rob Dyrdek, then I would, well … I don’t really know. I can’t think of anything cooler than what he’s already done. Touché, Mr. Dyrdek.

If I were in Bill Clinton’s position, with his past and his bank account, I’d buy up a bunch of dry cleaning businesses in Washington, D.C.

Not for any particular reason, just because.

So if you didn’t already have enough reasons to not vote me into political office before reading this, I’m glad I could share this with you before next week’s elections.