I’ll write your midterm paper

October 7th, 2010

Sometimes I sit around and think about things I’d be really, really good at to the point where I could do them professionally. The list includes things like contact sports, Googling my own name and cooking chicken among others.

Anyways, the list usually ends up being pretty long so it’s hard to remember all of them, but one thing that always comes up is the fact that I’d be an awesome ghost writer for other people.

No, being a ghost writer doesn’t mean that my column picture looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost (although, I do look very pale and bald). It means that I would write for someone, but it would appear as though they wrote it themselves. It’s a technique often used by rappers (including Will Smith, Dr. Dre and Diddy) who have someone else write lyrics for them.

There are a few reasons I’d be a great ghostwriter. Really, it’s as easy as one-two-three.

One, I have an uncanny ability to empathize with someone and know how they feel in a given situation. Two, I have a favorite pen (it’s green). Three, I can use that pen to write from the perspective of someone I’m empathizing with (in green). Easy, right?

Who would I ghostwrite for? Well I’m glad I assumed you asked. There are a plethora of people I’d like to express the opinions of, but the most interesting ones are famous.

If you’ve ever seen the MTV show “Run’s House,” then you know that Rev Run ends every episode by sending out his “words of wisdom” e-mail from his Blackberry while he sits in a tub full of bubbles. He ends every one of them the same way by signing it “God is love, Rev Run.” I figure as long as I make sure I do that and send it from a bubblebath then people will believe I’m him.

“Treat people the way you want to be treated. God is love, Rev Run.”

“Thou shalt not kill. God is love, Rev Run.”

Unless you’ve never been on YouTube, you’re familiar with Andy Samberg’s songs he does for Saturday Night Live’s Digital Shorts. I could write lyrics for him all day. I’m currently working on one for him called “In the Wrong.” It’s about proper etiquette in public restrooms and features cameos from George Michael, Sarah Palin and Kid Rock.

I’d be great at ghostwriting celebrity tweets. I’m super clever and entertaining and everyone likes what I write, so it would be a great PR move for them. I would tweet for Kanye West, but he’s on a completely different level than me and the rest of humanity. Maybe Justin Bieber would be a better fit. I possess the creative genius necessary to type: “@JustinBieber just got off stage, so many girls throwing their underwear at me, I think I’m going to wash them and donate them to Goodwill.”

I think the last bit of evidence I need to prove I’m worthy of being a professional ghost writer is that, for whatever reason, people want to read what I have to say. How else would you explain the fact that you’re still reading this after 529 words?

Oh, by the way, Tony Danza ghost wrote this column for me. From prison. In the dirt. With a spoon. In the dark. In Latin. Backwards. Maybe.

God is love, Rev Run.