Being the jaded senior that I am, I often ask myself questions about how on top of their game the student body is. I hear a lot of students say that they don’t read the All-Stu anymore, which means a couple things. One, they should probably rename it to the Some-Stu at this point, and two, is there anybody left who actually does read it?
I can’t verify that anyone else does, but you bet your ass I still do. And it’s a damn good thing I do since most people don’t read the All-Stu, but they all read my column, so I’m able to pass along any important information.
Last week the All-Stu had something about a bug problem on campus, and I understand that these bugs, known as midges, can be quite the annoyance.
The midges are everywhere. From the freshman dorms, to the upperclass dorms, to the atrium and even the athletic complex. Their team has a big roster, and they spread the field well.
According to the All-Stu, despite being everywhere, these midges are essentially harmless. They don’t pose any real threat, they just kind of get in the way.
I’ve done a little research and I found out that these bugs trained all summer to attack Case Western Reserve University in early September. Unfortunately for the midges, Case had a strong defense and the midges were no match for it.
From what I’ve heard the midges also have catchphrases they use to pump each other up. A popular one for whenever a group of them is together is to yell “Midges House!” Which I guess is how they try to lay claim to a piece of property.
Someone should tell them to claim Shula Stadium.
I think I’ve heard them go so far as saying “Midge up or die trying.” Clearly an ode to 50 Cent, who’s probably the toughest guy in the world. Ever.
Actually I take issue with that phrase. How can you say you’re going to do something “or die trying” and not do it? Shouldn’t you be dead from trying so hard? Or did you not try? Or maybe being useless is how you “midge up.” I can’t call it. Sounds like a lot of bark, not so much bite.
Speaking of biting, the All-Stu says, “Although midges do not bite, they often occur in large numbers and can be annoying.”
The midges haven’t become a problem in the cafeteria yet, but could you imagine what it would be like if they did? I’m sure they’d all walk in wearing the same outfit, buzz around to the point where you couldn’t hear yourself think, and hold up all the lines by thinking their plates of mac and cheese were more important than the rest of ours.
I mean, I guess you have to look at it from the midges’ point of view, though. Clearly they’re the most important group of bugs on campus. Sure the mosquitoes come around and enjoy some success during their season, but the midges are the trophy winners of JCU.
Or are they?
The All-Stu also noted that the last time the midges contributed to an athletic achievement (like, I don’t know, going above .500) was in October of 2007. For some reason I feel like there’s a JCU team suffering from the same dry spell, but I’m sure they will break out of it soon.
By “they” I mean the midges, of course.