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Leave the lip synching to the professionals

April 22nd, 2010

Milli Vanilli at Lake Compounce, Ashlee Simpson on “Saturday Night Live,” and Greek Week at JCU.

What do they all have in common? They’re three of the most famous examples of lip-synching. Well, at least until I got involved.

For those of you who don’t know, “Lip Sync” is the name of the grand finale event of Greek Week, and all of the fraternities and sororities put on a skit. Outside of my column or Jeff Sigmund rapping at the Spring Concert, it’s probably one of the most entertaining things that happens all year.

Now, I’m not in a Greek organization, but I have seen the movie “300”  a few times, so I know what I’m talking about.

You probably didn’t hear about it (because it wasn’t covered in the award-winning Carroll News), but I’ve got a pretty impressive resume when it comes to skit battles. In three competitions against my track and cross country teammates, I’ve never finished out of the medals.

I won’t say I’m the Michael Phelps of this performing thing, but I wouldn’t shy away from calling myself the Apolo Ohno of it.

So now that we’re all on the same page (literally, because this is in a newspaper), it’s time to answer some questions, like what group would I represent and what would my skit be about?

That’s none of your business (just kidding).

My organization, and odds are you definitely did not see this one coming, would be The Carroll News.

One thing I like when planning a skit is an abundance of talent. Talent that’s willing to stay up past their bedtimes to make sure they come up with a top-notch final product. If there’s one thing the staff of this newspaper can do well, it’s stay up late.

Not to mention, we can dance. If Lil Mama or JC Chasez is one of the judges then we’re shoo-ins.

As far as the content of our skit, it would be a loose parody of R. Kelly’s hip-hopera “Trapped in the Closet,” except our version would be called “Trapped in the Newsroom.”

That’s probably where the similarities would end because I don’t think I could find a way to work in a reference to a Baretta, repeat the same lyric 10 times in a row, or get into anywhere near as much legal trouble as R. Kelly has.

Our skit would reference all of the newsmaking events that have happened on campus this year. From a new mayor being elected to basketball sit-ins to zombies running amok on the quad and a mystery woman named Kim Meadows causing headaches for everyone.

The thing that would put our performance over the top is our secret guest: Ray J. Nobody can deny his entertainment value, and more importantly, nobody would expect it.

I’m thinking he could do a medley of this year’s “Name That Toon!” songs (and maybe have “MMMBop” get stuck on replay). Then our big finish could be a couple landlords soliciting local apartments and houses and giving out their contact information. (If you don’t get it, then turn the page, I’ll still be here when you get back).

While we’re not entered in this year’s competition, I think it’s pretty clear we would be the winners.

If you disagree, you can go fly a kite.