This past weekend I was really busy. The rest of last week: ditto. What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t come up with an awesome and entertaining column topic for this week.
Don’t fret though my wonderful nation of loyal readers (I bet you guys didn’t know I made you your own country yet, did you?), I’ve still got something for you to read during your 12:30 p.m. class today.
You might be surprised to know that I keep a file of all the column ideas I think of and punchlines that I come up with saved on my computer. Then again, you might not be all that surprised; but either way it means that I’ve got a stockpile of things to say on a week where I caught a case of the dreaded WBS (Writer’s Block Syndrome).
Think of it as the ultimate backup plan.
So, from this paragraph until I run into my own contact info at the bottom right corner of the page, I intend to drop a dimebag of knowledge on you (told you I’d use it someday, Prof. Metres!), and if that’s not a goal of mine then I don’t have goals.
Speaking of dimebags, what if someone paid for one with a bag of dimes? Wouldn’t that be cool? Also, it’d be more dislexically ironic than “Stone Cold” Steve Austin working behind the counter at a Cold Stone Creamery.
I was thinking of writing a sequel to my famed column titled “Forget Webster’s. Try the Bobtionary,” which, for those of you wondering, was in fact an underhanded shot at Sean Webster, our World News editor. You’re my boy, Webbie!
That sequel might actually happen at some point next year.
It’s probably a good thing that I never gave this next one the full 500 words, but I’ve always wanted to shout from the mountain tops that I don’t hate Ryan Seacrest. He’s got approximately four of the jobs that are on my list of “top 10 jobs I would like to do for more than a summer in order to make enough money to move out of my parents’ house.”
Speaking of jobs I’d like to have, there are a few on campus that I’d like. Number one on the list: Schott Dining Hall DJ. Don’t get me wrong, there’s some great music played in the cafeteria as it is, but I think it could benefit from a more thought-out song order and flow.
I’m kinda, sorta, pretty good at making playlists, so it’s entirely possible that I’m overqualified for the position, but that’s never stopped me before.
Doppleganger. Panjandrum. Junta. Debouch. Tarradiddle. Quidnunc. Fatidic. Nettlesome. I just used a bunch of words I don’t even know the meaning of – maybe I should read the Wonderword more often.
Fact: people who don’t know what they’re talking about just need to not talk.
I had an idea for a column about JCU-themed texts from last night, but then someone made an actual Facebook group. Plus, I realized I’d just be giving away too much inside information about myself, which is something I definitely don’t already do on a weekly basis.
That reminds me, a lot of people bring up the fact that the award-winning Carroll News didn’t come out with an issue last week. They say “Bob, what’s up with The Carroll News? You guys come out with an issue like once a year now.”
To you I quote former CN Editor in Chief Andrew Rafferty, who once said, “First off, no we don’t. Secondly, shut your mouth.” You’ll get a newspaper when I decide you’ve earned one.