Forget the leader, follow the Tweeter

February 4th, 2010

It’s 2010, and if you haven’t jumped on the Twitter bandwagon yet, you’re missing out on a ton of fun. You probably still use a rotary phone, get your film developed, and update your MySpace page.

Honestly, if you’re not on Twitter yet, then what have you been doing all this time? I don’t have the slightest clue.

Literally, I have no idea because you’re not giving me 140-character-or-less updates on what’s going on in your life.

You’re probably asking yourself “why should I get on Twitter when I’ve already got a Facebook profile?” and the simple answer is, because celebrities don’t interact on Facebook as much.

I’ve gotten a reply on Twitter from Dorrough, yes the man behind “Ice Cream Paint Job,” and can often be found telling T-Pain whom he should make his next song with. (How do you think “I’m on a Boat” happened?)

With Twitter I’ve found a place where I can interact with people on my level. Important people. People with followers. When I make an insightful comment, anyone who follows me can retweet it, and all of their followers have now been enlightened as well. It’s truly a remarkable system that allows me to reach an audience far beyond the readers of the award-winning Carroll News (but you guys are still my favorites).

The complicated answer is that Twitter’s less complicated… sort of. There’s not as much personal information on a profile because you’re not trying to get to know someone, you’re just stating brief thoughts. Plus like I said, there’s a ton of famous people on Twitter.

Probably the most important reason though, is that I tweet more often than I update my Facebook status. You can sit there and pretend you don’t want to read what I’ve got to say, but if you’ve made it this far into my column then you’re already a hypocrite.

One thing to beware of when using Twitter, however, are fake celebrity accounts. Stephen Colbert has been a victim, as has Kanye West (who oddly enough doesn’t even use Twitter, probably because the technology doesn’t allow him to interrupt Taylor Swift mid-tweet).

Some people have called me crazy for this, but I have a theory that the next terrorist attack on the U.S. will be an al-Qaida hack on President Barack Obama’s Twitter account. Imagine the American people, and all of Obama’s foreign followers seeing, “@BarackObama I cheat at card games.”

The state of the union would be stuck in a moral limbo. Do we pardon our commander-in-chief’s win-at-any-cost strategy or do we side with truth, honor and dignity by impeaching him and making Joe Biden the new leader of the free world? That’s the kind of attack I fear.

I’ve even been a victim of this Twit-dentity theft pandemic. If you see @ThatsWhatSeeSaid posting tweets like “I’m hilarious,” “World News is boring,” or “people love me because I’m so awesome” then you should be forewarned that I’m not the one writing those things. Come on now people, I’ve got more modesty than that.

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