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Becoming the next great John Carroll alumnus

February 4th, 2010

On Wednesday, Jan. 27, it was reported that the great American author J.D. Salinger passed away at the age of 91 in his New Hampshire home. Salinger is best known for his controversial book “The Catcher in the Rye.” 

In a three-page obituary jumped from the front page of The New York Times, it said that Salinger would walk around his Ursinus College campus claiming that he was going to write the next great American novel. He achieved his self-prophetic claim and then some. He inspired me to become the next great John Carroll University alumnus.

Shula. Russert. Fletcher. McDaniels. Caserio. Polian. 

Willert.

Don’t be alarmed if you see me walking around campus proclaiming that I will be the next panjandrum (see Wonderword) to come out of JCU. 

Soak it up. 

And when you’re older and your kids tell you they want to be like me, you can tell them that you were there when I began my epic journey. 

I have no idea how I’m going to get so famous, but I’ve got some ideas rattling around in my head. 

I could be the host of a Sunday morning political talk show on MSNBC. 

Since I coached a sixth grade basketball team and led them to a championship, I could take an NFL team to an undefeated season, win the Super Bowl, thus resulting in the dedication of an athletic field after me.

Hell, after winning the intramural flag football championship last year, I might get drafted as an NFL linebacker, make the Pro Bowl and be a finalist for the Walter Payton “Man of the Year” award.

I’ll probably end up coaching a professional sports team, start 6-0 and subsequently lose eight of the next 10 games and fail to make the playoffs. 

Eventually, I think I’ll want to move to the front office of a sports organization. In fact, they will most likely ask me to become the director of player personnel or the team’s general manager, either one will suffice. 

My final idea steps outside of the sports arena and jumps into the entertainment industry. 

I’m going to win an Emmy.

Actually, I think I’m going to  do every one of the aforementioned ideas in hopes that the University will get smart and rename the school Craig ‘Greg’ Willert University. 

I know everyone still reading at this point probably wants to punch me in the jeans, but unclench your fists and let me use my profound rhetorical skills to illustrate my flawless reasoning.

Growing up, I worked as a janitor at a local college, solved near impossible math problems well beyond my intellectual capacity, and became best friends with Ben Affleck.

So clearly I have the ability to exceed expectations and defy the odds, resulting in the achievement of each of my ideas. 

Plus, anyone who is friends with Ben Affleck, who miraculously survived a World War II plane crash and almost saved Josh Hartnett, has the will power to achieve anything. 

As I grow old, I’ll receive many awards, become the first U.S. citizen to receive the Medal of Honor and be inducted into every sports hall of fame (including the RV and Motor Home Hall of Fame).

Finally, I’m going to have a three-page obituary written about me. 

However, I want mine to be jumped from the front page of the award-winning Carroll News, as it was the first channel to let me proclaim, “I’m going to become the next great John Carroll alum.”