Alright Kappa Kappa Gamma, that’s enough.
If I hear the song “MMMBop” one more time I’m going to throw a plate full of sub-par food through a cafeteria window, and guess what? I’m sending you the bill.
Here’s why: what you’re doing should be illegal—it sounds like extortion to me. In the real world, if you tell someone you’re going to continue to do something until someone pays you enough money to stop, you go to jail for quite some time.
Those of you who don’t know, in an effort to raise money to combat child literacy (which is laudable), KKG is playing Hanson’s “MMMBop” on repeat in both the Atrium and Cafeteria. They will stop this violation of our Eighth Amendment protection from cruel and unusual punishment once they have raised enough money to satisfy their donation goal.
I’m all for helping kids learn how to read, I’m just for doing it legally. So let me propose this: rather than extorting the Blue Streak community, let’s raise some money together and have a little fun in the process.
We will turn the tables, rather than us be subjected to the cruelty of Hanson, you will. If you’re really committed to raising money, this should be a no-brainer.
Here’s my plan: you all go around and get pledges (i.e. a nickel for every minute you take part in my plan). I’ll secure a room and some unimaginably large speakers. Then, the Saturday before finals, I’ll put you all in there and put “MMMBop” on repeat.
The clock will then begin on your pledges, and every minute you stay in the room will determine how much money you collect. Also, don’t be ridiculous—I will absolutely NOT be in the room with you—I’m a supervisor.
We can raise more money by selling tickets to what promises to be a great show; I’ll install soundproof glass and people can watch.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “that’s a terrible idea.” You’re right, for you it is. But let me outline the ways it trumps your current plan.
We begin with legality: my idea is legal, yours is questionable. While a picture of every Kappa on campus being taken out of your next chapter meeting in handcuffs will play great on our front page, I think that’s worth avoiding.
Secondly, in my scenario, there are no restrictions on what you can have in your room, including food. In your plan, what are we supposed to do if it’s fish day? Then, not only is the food bad, but we have to listen to Hanson. If not for the always smiling and lovely faces of Betty and Sharon, I would literally go insane.
Locking you in a room with Hanson playing on repeat is no ones ideal scenario, but you can admit there are obvious up-sides to my plan.
If my mere suggestion isn’t enough, I’m willing to bet the fact that I just told everyone that what you’re doing might be illegal will be.
So please, for the love of God, turn off the music.