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I’ve got a heck of a resume, and this is going on it

November 12th, 2009

So many people ask me these days, “Craig, what do you want to do when you graduate?” First off, I can see right through your weak attempt to make friends with me just so when I become famous you can live off of my earnings. Secondly, all the things I’m good at aren’t actual jobs.

You all know what I’m talking about. It’s that thing you do so well, like peeling an orange to perfection or picking the score of a girl’s basketball game, which is easy because scientific studies have proven that a women’s basketball game cannot end with a combined score higher than 17.

LeBron James gets overpaid to put a leather ball in an iron circle. Alex Rodriguez gets overpaid to take steroids. And, Plaxico Burress gets overpaid to shoot himself. I think it’s time that I get overpaid to do something that adds no value to society.

First, while most of you take a good 20 minutes to parallel park into a spot big enough to fit the state of Rhode Island, I can do it in 30 seconds tops. I see it all the time, people backing into a spot and then realizing they cut it too hard. So they pull it back out, and try again.

In the meantime, capable, competent parkers (i.e. me), could probably have parked, recited the Articles of Confederation and read the entire week’s issue of the award-winning Carroll News before they finish. 

I would be the LeBron James of parallel parking.

The next job is one that all men would succeed at – the professional creeper. Creeping is an art form and takes practice, diligence and patience, all of which I have mastered. We see a cute female and want to check her out, but we are afraid of getting caught.

While some men would chicken out, I would pull one of my many creeper moves. Either the window glare creep, in which I can look at the possible target through the glare of the window, or the cell phone creep, which is when I act like I’m trying to get cell phone reception by holding up the phone, but instead I’m really checking the prospect out.

I would be the R. Kelly of professional creeping.

This next job would make millions … if it were an actual job. I’ll set the scene: Josh Cribbs is returning a punt. He’s running down the sideline and what do the viewers see? Some random guy on the Browns’ sideline waving his arm in a windmill fashion while pointing toward their endzone.

In the business, they call him “the guy who stands on sidelines at football games and tells the players which way to run, as if they didn’t already know.” One must possess strong rotator cuffs, a flexible arm and know the difference between left and right.

I was a pitcher, which means I have both strong rotator cuffs and a flexible arm, and I passed kindergarten, thus proving my supreme knowledge of the difference between left and right. Plus, I hear this job is in high demand, as they had to fire the higher profile wavers once the recession hit.

I would be the Petey Pablo of professional arm waving.

Other skills I possess that would make me a lot of money if they were jobs are: professional Facebook creeper, being able to identify the mistake made in a Sudoku, Wikipedia writer (“scholars” call us plagiarists, I just say they’re jealous) and, of course, the professional procrastinator.

Boom. Single payer.