October is here and that means election season is kicking into high gear. Usually I’m politically apathetic, but this year I’ve decided to exercise my American right to represent my fellow citizens and throw my name into the ring for the 2009 mayoral election in University Heights.
Since I’m not hip to the whole process of running for a political office, I’m not going to register to be on the ballot. I figure since literally all my votes would come from people reading this I can run as a write-in candidate and still get the same amount of votes as I would have if my name was on the ballot.
If you’ve been reading the All-Stu over the last couple weeks, then you’ve read that only 2,484 people voted in the last University Heights election. We have over 3,000 undergrads at JCU.
I like my odds.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not that vain to just assume that all of you would vote for me. Obviously I need to state my platform first.
One word: Change. (Some guy from Chicago told me it works.)
University Heights has been run by current 81-year-old Mayor Beryl E. Rothschild for the last 32 years. It’s time for change.
At the very least I can provide a youthful enthusiasm to juxtapose the tired redundancy of the past administration. Yes, technically whoever wins this election will be young by comparison and break up the monotony of Rothschild’s reign, but I would be the most extreme case.
The city is nicknamed “The City of Beautiful Homes.” It’s time for change. I propose changing the nickname to the “The City of Beautiful People” and seeing as how all of you live here I think you’ll agree with that nickname. A moniker like that will only encourage the beautiful residents of the city to live it up, so rather than worry the police department with handing out noise violations I plan on changing those laws. A noise violation under my administration will only be enforced if your music interferes with mine. If I can’t hear T-Pain’s background vocals while listening to “I’m on a Boat” then you’re going down. Seriously, I’ll have you at Kinko’s straight flippin’ copies.
The name of the city is University Heights, but it wasn’t always that way. It started out as Idlewood Village and had its named changed in 1925 when JCU moved here. I think we need to put the focus of the city back on the University, in particular the students. My generation’s tech savvy puts me at a great advantage over the other candidates. I’d be much easier to communicate with than the other candidates. Do you think Frank Consolo has a Facebook profile? Do you think Susan Infeld texts before she votes on a bill? I doubt it. It’s time for change.
My ability to reach my constituents instantly via a tweet would be unprecedented (not to mention convenient and way cooler than getting propaganda in your mailbox). City council meetings would have monitors set up so students could Skype in and voice their opinions. I’d be a man of the people … and I’d be in high definition.
For those of you still wondering why you should write me in on the ballot for mayor of University Heights, I give you this reason: Because I can’t legally run for president of the United States for another 15 years.
If you want to join my campaign, the first thing you need to do is register yourself and your friends by Oct. 5. You can’t vote for me if you’re not registered in University Heights. On Nov. 3, hit the polls and write in Bob Seeholzer for mayor of University Heights. LeBron James is doing it, you should too.