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I might start taking a taxi cab

September 24th, 2009

I hate to be blunt, but this is fact: Cleveland people are bad at driving. Plain and simple. I’d like to say it’s okay, you’ll learn, but I’m not sure you’ll learn and it’s not okay—I could be killed, and recently almost was. Twice.

It’s not entirely your fault, I do appreciate that you’re trapped in a failed system, but it’s time to pick up the slack.

The roads, lights and traffic patterns around here make absolutely no sense. It’s like the city planners were a little hung over, so they gave their 6-year-old child a crayon and a piece of paper and said “tell me where I should put roads, and that will be where I put them.”

Either that or intersections were drawn with the intention of making them the highest possible accident risk intersections in America.

The Cleveland drivers default move is to slam on the brake. No matter what happens, you all brake; every single one of you. This action is conducive to accidents.

People are talking a lot about preventative healthcare in the current debate, and I think some Ohio congresspeople should seriously consider earmarking money to beef up drivers-ed programs in Cleveland.

Stoplights are more like recommendations to you people, and stop signs are apparently optional if they have the white outlining.

For a Cleveland driver, if there’s a car in a lane that you would rather be in then they should get the hell out of your way—I mean what are they thinking just driving there?

Realizing this makes me feel bad. I used to make fun of CN Editor in Chief Rachel Szuch because she has a 1:1 ratio of minutes lived to accidents gotten in, and it really isn’t her fault that much.

I read a study on MSNBC.com over the summer that said Cleveland had the most courteous drivers in America, and I’m not sure what the guys who did that survey were smoking, but it was intense.

I mean I don’t get the middle finger the way I do in Chicago or have in New York. I’ve never been to L.A., but I hear driving there is a beast in its own league, and so in that sense, I suppose you are all very nice, but that doesn’t make you good.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s a big contest I’m not aware of to see who, in fact, can be the worst driver on the road. One guy I saw last Sunday was reading a book while driving—I’ve seen that other places too, but at least when that happens in Chicago the driver is periodically looking up and checking on the road. Not so much with my dude yesterday—that must have been the most interesting chapter of any book ever.

My main point here is I only have until December left in this city, and I would like to see my way through to that point without sustaining any serious injuries. So I’m asking all of you to help me. Please don’t get in an accident with me. They haven’t passed healthcare reform, yet, and I’m not sure I can afford the damage you people are capable of.