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You’re welcome, John Carroll

September 17th, 2009

I’d like to apologize, for I’ve been rude: after four years of pulling awesome practical jokes at this school, I realize that I’ve never said “you’re welcome” to the people whose lives I’ve enriched.  

Now there are nay-sayers out there who will claim that all I’m doing is having fun at other peoples’ expense and it’s an immature and petty thing to do, but I say to all of you that you are only looking at the surface of my intentions.

I’m a firm believer that only about 30 percent of the total amount that you learn in college is in the classroom. There are so many things that you learn about life, yourself and the way that other people act that are equally as important as what you learn in the classroom. And, to be frank, there are some people who need more learning in that department than others. 

Looking back over my four years at Carroll, the school should’ve paid me to come here. I have the equivalent of a Ph.D. in helping those that are lacking in “street smarts” double-time their education.

Everyone has a few friends who could use some life lessons (sometimes the hard way) and I think I can help you teach them. After all, isn’t it better that you teach them and everyone gets to share a laugh rather than them doing something truly stupid where they wind up in jail?

The first person who could use a lesson is the overly gullible friend. There was a friend of mine who we convinced that he stabbed someone. 

I’m dead serious. 

The best part of this was it wasn’t planned out. He was playing with a knife, and we started joking around, until we realized that he was seriously buying what we were selling. So we kept selling until the sale was complete. I truly believe that my buddy will never take anything that absurd at face value again, which I think is a good thing. You’re welcome.

The second lesson is never let down your guard on April Fools’ Day. This I think was one of the most amusing days of my entire life (even though we got the idea from a Plain Dealer article). We put an ad on Craig’s List that said “My girlfriend will dump me if I don’t get rid of my Nintendo Wii, so I’m giving it away for free to the first person to call this number,” and then put his phone number. Thirty calls in eight minutes. Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of April Fools’ Day.

One person who can always use a good dose of reality is a friend who possibly has gotten too big for their britches. While I had very little to do with this particular prank, it was hilarious and worthy of column inches. Pick one embarrassing event out of that person’s life, and write a cover song to a popular song about them. Then record it and play that song at a party. Trust me, it’s worth the effort.

Those are a few prime examples of how I believe practical jokes make the world better both by acting as a valuable learning exercise and making people laugh. I hope you can try one of these, or think of something better. And if you do, be sure to drop me an e-mail and let me know about it.