Sorry, but no more Mr. Nice Guy

September 17th, 2009

Don’t let my picture fool you, it’s not all smiles around here.

I’m fed up, John Carroll. Quite frankly, people refuse to get on my level and it ruffles my feathers. Cleaning up other peoples’ messes is not on any of my four daily to-do lists.

JCU is in need of reform and I’ve appointed myself as the problem caller-outer and the problem solver. Just a general rule of thumb before I start calling people out: if you think I’m talking about you, then I am. It’s that simple. OK, let’s begin.

Walkers, be aware of your surroundings. People like to walk with other people, sometimes with enough others to qualify it as a group. I get that, it’s normal, but it doesn’t mean that you need to have your group walk ten abreast at two feet per minute. I know you’re trying to be early for your Cautious Driver’s Ed. class, but the rest of us have places to be, so get out of our way.

While we’re on the topic of walkers, let’s focus in on walkers who are also talkers. If you’re walking to class and on the phone at the same time, that doesn’t give you an excuse not to keep up with the flow of traffic. Either move off to the side and finish your conversation or learn how to multi-task. I don’t have time for you to figure it out on the go.

Everyone in the cafeteria who just wanders aimlessly while I’m trying to go get my bowl of Froot Loops, wake up and watch out. I know that the dining hall wasn’t exactly designed by Frank Lloyd Wright and it’s not necessarily conducive to its purpose of feeding the student body efficiently and effectively, but that just means that we as students need to pick up the slack. If you’re having trouble understanding what I’m saying, then let me break it down for you. Step 1, you grab a cup. Step 2, you push the button for Sprite. Step 3, you go to your table. No need to stop between steps one and two to have a four-minute conversation with that girl who lived in your building freshman year. While you’re asking meaningful questions like “remember that one kid who smelled funny?” my chicken is twice as dry as it was ten seconds ago and will be unchewable in another thirty seconds.

People that continually ask the same question over and over, I’ve got a new philosophy for you: if you’re not going to remember it the first time then don’t bother asking a second time.

Drivers on Belvoir who stop at a green light to wave students across, stop trying to be nice, you’re just mucking up the whole system. The car behind you isn’t expecting that, and neither are the students you’re waving across. So now students are going from a complete stop on the sidewalk to being forced across the street with the added pressure of doing it quickly so they don’t hold up traffic. You just stressed everyone out because you wanted to be the Good Samaritan, you should have just kept on going.

Some people might not agree with me on the grievances I’ve listed thus far, but I guarantee everyone can relate to the next one: moochers. If you don’t hate it when someone piggybacks off your accomplishments, eats your food, or conveniently never has any money when you go out with him/her, then you’re a saint and should be canonized immediately. Do I look like Dollar Bank or BJ’s Wholesale Club? Didn’t think so.

That’s everyone I had room to complain about in this installment. I’d love it if I never had to write a column like this again, but undoubtedly someone out there will disappoint me and force me to play the villain at least one more time. It’s not my fault they didn’t meet their deadline this week.