There’s a lot to talk about at the beginning of a new semester. For example, I could list my goals for the next four months (stay alive, win awards, etc.) or tell you about my summer (I bought a new watch), but I’m going to take the easy route and address the newbies at JCU.
Listen up freshmen guys. I’m about to do for you what an upperclassman rarely will, I’m giving you relevant advice in the first month of the school year.
The first question you’re probably asking yourself is “why should I listen to this kid whose column title is a cheap play on his own last name?” That’s an easier one than my accounting homework. To put it simply, I’m an International Man of Mystery. I’m consistently ranked among the most important people on this campus and I write some of the greatest sentences the Op/Ed section has ever seen. I blackout while writing and wake up Thursday afternoon just as excited as the rest of the student body to see what I wrote.
Getting back to the topic, though, freshmen and advice. There’s one essential thing you need at college (besides a fake I.D. and a stash of Ramen noodles) and that’s pick-up lines (PULs). For those of you coming in thinking you can get away with “If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together” you’re wrong. (Unless you can play Howie Day’s “Collide” on acoustic guitar, because the line might work in the context of that chorus.)
For those of you who think you don’t need PULs, I’ve got a newsflash, the girl who left her number on your shirt at the Graffiti Party doesn’t remember who you are and won’t meet you at Legacy Village for dinner. Yup, that ship has sailed on ya, Captain. It’s time for Plan B.(o.b.)
If you want to be successful you need to be original or let me be original for you. With that being said, here’s the best ones I could come up with:
For all you Boler-bound youths, try this one out. “Hi. I’m an accounting major. You wouldn’t happen to be a gold digger, would you?” If she doesn’t understand then feel free to explain that accountants are basically the only recession-proof job. Better your odds by using the line on a Theta.
If the object of your affection is into mathematics try sending this via binary code: “I would add up how fine you are, but my TI-89 can’t count that high.” If that doesn’t work try switching “add up” with “multiply” and, unless you’re using fractions or an odd number of negative numbers, it should make it more meaningful.
Let’s say you’re at a midnight breakfast or brunch the day after Homecoming and a girl you’ve been crushing on isn’t rocking her hiphuggers. That’s when you bust out this one, “You’re so fine you make sweatpants look sexy.” It works even better if she has the word “PINK” across the back of them.
This next one requires foresight, but it’s worth it. Go to a party wearing sunglasses, spot your prey, then walk over, take the glasses off and hand them to her saying, “Here, take my sunglasses.” When she asks why, tell her “because your future just got a whole lot brighter.”
This one’s for all you opportunistic playas with a knack for writing and stirring up controversy. You can keep it in your back pocket until I retire. “Hey, whatever happens between us tonight, I promise not to write about it in my column in the award-winning Carroll News.”
If all else fails just tell the young lady that you’re friends with Bob Seeholzer, the columnist from the award-winning Carroll News. It always works for me.