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Why I’m the poet laureate of John Carroll University

April 30th, 2009

For those of you who haven’t read my column before: I’m kind of a big deal.

As the veteran columnist for the award-winning Carroll News (and I’m still a few finals away from junior status), I have quite a bit of literary clout. Taking this into account, I decided I could help another JCU publication, The Carroll Review, by contributing my name and fame.

Unfortunately for them, they decided not to accept any of my submissions. While everyone is entitled to an opinion, some opinions are flat out wrong. I worked hard on those poems (“The Office” has some pretty long commercial breaks), and anytime I put effort into something, it’s probably worth reading. Therefore, since you can’t read my poems in The CR, I’m just going to publish them here.

University Heights

O ye city of beautiful homes
You deceive residents like yellow snow cones
I tread on you often with rubberized soles
But when I try to have fun you steal my soul
Rules and ordinances with which I disagree
Make this relationship disadvantageous for me
I do my best to stay on your good side
However, it’s a slippery slope like a water slide
Luckily for me my timer has a countdown
Two more years ‘til I’m out of this town
You may still have beautiful homes, but trust on the census
You’ll be lacking my property taxes as well as my residence.

A little too random? Maybe, but you can’t deny the empowering message behind the subtle tone of smug arrogance toward a city that is at odds with the students of its namesake.

In my time here at JCU I’ve grown fond of exploring the campus. Probably my favorite mystery to check out is that abandoned thing between Dolan Science Center and Boler. Every time I walk by I see my boy through the glass, so I decided I’d write him a little note.

A Letter to Mr. Bohannon

Dear James,
Thank you for your services
The residue of your alcoholic revenue
Has brought me joy, fun and potential doom
The late night agents, securing your doors
Have done a poor job at defending your 4 floors
I’ve searched them all, every single room
And left with more treasure than one could consume
from your roof, I viewed the half moon
I’m sorry that you must leave so soon
We had some good times, no one can deny them
But it saddens me it won’t happen again
I’ll pick the flowers when they finally bloom
I just hope I won’t be there when you kaboom
Farewell my friend…

I’m so proud of that letter. I was able to apply information I obtained through personal exploration, legends and even a feature story that I wrote for The CN. Way more useful stuff than my lab science.

At this point I need to reiterate that I’m a member of the award-winning CN. Does anyone know if The CR has won any awards? Best poetry compilation on campus? That’s about as impressive as winning one of those unopposed Student Union positions. With that being said, I present my grand finale:

I Like Pie

I like pie
Pumpkin in the fall
Pumpkin in the winter
Pumpkin above all
Pumpkin is the winner
Pie I like.

If that’s not poetry then Robert Frost might as well have taken the other road. You should have seen my other CR-denied poems that wouldn’t fit on this page. They were classics.

By the way, the CR is having it’s release party tonight at Jake’s under Pizzazz. Also, I’ve heard they have an open mic. I’ll see ya there!