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The Lowdown’s Final Curtain Call

March 26th, 2009

The first time I ever read anything by Thoreau, I was in junior high. My class watched the movie, “The Outsiders” and afterwards, while all the girls were wooing over Patrick Swayze and Emilio Estevez, the only thing of substance I could regurgitate was Ponyboy Curtis’ rendition of “Nothing Gold Can Stay.”

Ten years later, I’ve come to adore Thoreau and realize the truths found in juvenile perplexity. It’s true—nothing gold can stay:

A-Rod eventually resorted to juicing.

“Friends” finally went into re-runs.

Getting a meal large enough to feed someone older than a six-year-old in the dining hall became impossible.

And now, Lo Castro’s Lowdown has reached the end of its glorious run.

I know what you’re thinking—you won’t have anything to wrap your roommate’s birthday gift in or have anything to distract you during philosophy. But I’m sure that whoever replaces this space of the newspaper will also be able to easily replace that soft spot you hold in your heart each week for the Lowdown.

As for me, I’m not looking at this situation as the actual grand finale of my weekly liberal verbiage and satirical jargon but rather, what I’ve coined, “a Michael Jordan-esque retirement tirade.”

While I currently may be out of commission, I have high hopes that I will one day return to the world of smart-ass revelry and continue to enlighten others on all things worldly, like Splenda, meatheads, calligraphy, etc.

Now that my soul has been released from the perils of Carroll News deadlines, I’ve decided to try my luck on other new endeavors. Starting in May, I’ll be living out of my car (Well, technically my mom’s car) in Los Angeles, selling maps of movie stars’ homes to tourists. While there, I’m of course going to pursue my career in reality TV. I have high hopes of getting onto that “Tool Academy,” but first I have to find a tool to pose as my boyfriend. If you know anyone, my e-mail’s at the bottom. I promise to split the profits.

From there, I may come back to JCU and try to be one of Mike Moran’s personal assistants. I played some hoops back in high school but more importantly, give great shoulder massages. Mike could employ me with the responsibility of making sure his back is as loose as possible for those crucial last minute rants. I’m convinced I could help get that team to the Elite Eight. If not, I hear the guy who sometimes performs as the Lobo mascot is graduating this year.

But before I go, I must include what all stereotypical endings include, and that’s a thank you. By reading this column right now, you’re doing what a massive amount of people stop doing each day—reading a newspaper. Even if you’ve been entertained at times or have wanted to stick a fork in my eye at others, you’re informing yourself and that’s all that really matters.

So, thank you for your readership dedication to not only my column, but to The Carroll News as a whole. By educating yourself on the issues that surround our University as well as those on a state and national level, you’re making yourself out to be far more intelligent than just an average college student.

And like I said, if you know anyone who you think qualifies as a “tool,” holla at your girl.