The Conundrum of the 4 Seasons

March 19th, 2009

One of my favorite things about college compared to high school is how early the Spring Semester ends. Getting out a month earlier than I did in high school is awesome.

I do, however, have an issue with it being called the “Spring” Semester when almost half of it occurs during winter.

When I hear “Spring Semester,” I think of walking to class with the smell of fresh roses in the air, Frisbee being played on the Quad, and girls sunbathing outside of residence halls. Seeing as how that only occurs for about five weeks, I would say the Spring Semester is a misnomer.

The Fall Semester is more accurate but it still starts in summer and, despite the fact that the seasons change in late September, feels like summer until it starts snowing.

Another one of my favorite things about the college schedule is the length of Winter Break.

However, as Cleveland has taught me, even Winter Break is named wrong. I can go from wearing shorts one day to needing three coats and four pairs of mittens the next. You know the weather is messed up when the average temperature during Winter Break was higher than during Spring Break.

There seems to be a problem with the way the academic year is broken up. They all have the wrong names, so let’s fix them.

In honor of it officially becoming spring this weekend, I’ve taken the liberty of inventing some more time-appropriate titles for the different academic seasons.

If nothing else these names will be more marketable than their predecessors.

First of all, Fall Semester will now be known as “Fresh Semester.” It’s the first semester for the new freshmen class and everyone else is excited to be back and see their friends. Not to mention the grounds crew has been working for three months to make campus look and smell fresh (and they do a particularly nice job).

Fall Break will be retitled to “The Annual Friday Without Classes.” No further explanation necessary.

Winter Break is getting changed to “Schizophrenic Period” due to its indecisiveness toward temperature stability. Hopefully Mother Nature will take it to see a shrink.

Spring Break will now be known as “Head South or be Discontent.” Its alternate title, “Go somewhere warm and enjoy it because it will still be cold in Cleveland when you get back” just wasn’t catchy enough.

Spring Semester will be renamed “The Progressive Movement” since students are progressing toward many things at once: bachelor’s degrees, warmer degrees, a break from school, summer school, etc.

Summer Break will be renamed “Awkward Silence.” It would just be fun to hear people say things during finals week like “This test is all that stands between me and Awkward Silence!” or “Yeah! Awkward Silence ‘09!”

Those are just some ideas for more appropriate names for the academic seasons. They’re all copyrighted, but if JCU wants to buy them off me we can discuss prices. I wonder if the Rev. Niehoff has a PayPal account.