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How to score heavenly points

September 20th, 2007

When my mind drifts during the Homily, which on occasion it has, I often wonder what heaven is like. Mainly, I wonder about its acceptance policy.
If heaven is like Harvard, I think I’m screwed. I’m crossing my fingers that the pearly gates has more of a state school acceptance policy. I know its affordable and I think my SAT scores are good enough.
If it’s like a community college, then I probably wouldn’t want to show up anyway.
But, I’m worried that getting the nod from St. Peter is going to go about as well as the time I tried out for the freshmen basketball team.
I don’t want to think that there is a scorecard with a certain number of points necessary for acceptance. But, if there is, how much is holding the door for someone worth?
If they’re farther away do you score more for holding it longer?
More importantly, how much do you get docked for drinking, swearing and other stuff that really doesn’t hurt anyone but yourself? I’m hoping not a lot.
Labre can score you some big points. Immerision trips have to be worth double. Will it help that I live with a Manresa retreat leader?
I understand that the people who do these things don’t do it to “score points.”
But, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking this way. Do I not punch someone in the face because it’s the wrong thing to do? Or, is it because it will look bad when Jesus goes over my file.
You have to wonder how awesome heaven really is. I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t hope for too much.
A friend of mine once said he hopes when you get to heaven you are immediately handed a stats sheet of every pickup game you’ve ever played in your life. I want to know my shooting percentage in that basketball game I played when I was eight. What is my lifetime record in checkers?
I also want one of those really moving montages that television always plays when someone famous dies. Like a highlight reel of my life, with some emotional music playing in the background.
Unlike Murphy Hall, I think you can move the furniture in heaven. It’s customizable. You don’t have to conform to it, it conforms to you.
Everyone’s heaven is going to be different. Along with stats and montages, my heaven is on the beach with a hot tub and a Chipotle.
My heaven is going to be the party heaven. Everyone is going to know about it, and Friday nights are going to be out of control. The other heavens are going to have to deal with the noise, because this is heaven and you can’t get evicted. I know my landlord, (God) is going to love me.
I’ll hopefully have a lot of time to think about this before I make the trip. By the time I get there I’ll probably want my heaven to have an early bird dinner special and a Kraftmatic Adjustable Bed.
I’ll still take the hot tub though.