I would like to personally welcome the Class of 2011. From what I’ve seen from your Facebook profiles, you have a lot of potential.
My name is Andrew, some people call me Raff, and some people call me some other things not fit for print.
I’m going to help you out. And no, don’t come up to me offering me money for my services; this is pro bono work. I do it because I love to give back to Johnny C. And besides, you’re going to need that money for when you get written up, which will be soon if it hasn’t happened already.
What I’m about to tell you is more important than anything you learned at orientation or could ever hope to get out of FYS. Professors, if you would like for me to come to your class and talk about this, I would be more than willing. If you take one thing away from your first year at the country’s craziest Jesuit party school, let it be this.
Don’t ever cut across the Quad.
Is it a pet peeve of mine? No. Rather, it is an unwritten rule. But, I wrote it, because you’re freshmen and you need people to write things down for you.
And now, the inevitable question that gets asked is, “Why?” Why can’t you cut across the luscious shortcut that is the Quad? The simple answer is because it’s stupid.
Some upperclassman will say, “He’s wrong, I cut across the Quad all the time.” I urge you to take a long look at whoever says this. You should immediately begin disassociating with this person.
Other people cite their rebellious nature and inability to conform as the reason they cut across the Quad. It’s not about conformity, it’s about respect. Enough people start cutting across the Quad and it will start looking as appealing as the Cuyahoga River.
Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, Thomas Jefferson, the Pope. All names of people who did not cut across the Quad.
Britney Spears, Ryan Leaf, O.J. Simpson, the Hamburgaler. All names of people who did cut across the Quad. I’m not saying that only horrible people cut across the Quad, the facts say that for me.
Imagine a day when everybody cuts across the Quad to get wherever they are walking. All of a sudden, there is no more Quad. All of a sudden, there is no more ultimate frisbee team.
Now, don’t get me wrong, you should enjoy the Quad like free drinks at an open bar. It’s there for you. But don’t be the guy who walks in the middle of a pickup football game with a three-ring binder in hand. Instead, be the guy who chastises that guy.
There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. Emergencies, you’re being chased be some type of aggressive animal, or there is an event on campus where there will be free food about covers them all.
Being late for class is not one of them. Professors would rather their students be late then cut across the Quad. After all, there are no shortcuts on the road to success.