The highs and lows of roommate roles

September 6th, 2007

Not one. Not two. Not even four. But six. That’s the number of girls I live with this year. In light of a new semester, I figured it’d be fitting to talk about the people we live with. And, although my first intention was to write the stereotypical criticism about the immature and blissfully naïve freshmen, I figured that either A), that would be buzz kill or B), Andrew Rafferty would address the issue one way or another. So instead, I wanted to share my feelings about general roommate roles and the people who exemplify them. First off is the notion that there are at least four stereotypical roomies that college students undeniably live with.

Number 1: “The Adopted Child Roommate:” This roommate is the primary reasoning behind why many people choose not to have children until they are stable, mature adults well into their thirties. She/he has trouble waking up or getting to class on time. She/he often needs reminded about what she/he must accomplish during the day by other roomies (i.e. “Pick up your prescription,” “Get your clothes out of the living room,” “call your mom—she’s been leaving you messages for a week now”). You often find yourself becoming irritable and short-tempered and sometimes have haunting flashbacks of your own parents saying the same things to you. You also have to constantly remind her/him to take showers/change clothes.

Number 2: “The Narcoleptic Roommate:” Rather than having antipathy towards this roomie, many have a deep sense of wonder and awe for this guy/girl and his/her ability to keep up with classes. They manage to get at least 60+ hours of sleep under their belt during the school week alone and are always the ones to pass out at a party, in a movie, or during class (when they do go). All in all, the narcoleptic bunch make awesome people to share a room with because they can sleep through anything, no matter how much noise you may make on a Saturday night.

Number 3: “The Danny Tanner Roommate:” This is the roommate that you hate to love and love to hate. Affectionately known as the “Danny Tanner” Roommate in honor of the “Full House” father who had a perverse obsession with Comet cleaner and waxing floors, this roomie is always making sure your house/apartment is spic and span. He/she empty garbage, clean up after others, organize the DVD rack so that all 98 movies are in alphabetical order, and are often reprimanding others in the house about their unsanitary lifestyles—primarily “The Adopted Child Roommate” (See Number 1).

Sometimes you want to shove a Lysol can down his/her throat for being so maniacal, but at the end of the day, you’re grateful to have him/her because that just means one less beer can to pick up or toilet to scrub for you.

Number 4: “The MIA Roommate:” Last, but not least, is this little wild card. The MIA (missing in action) roommate is always the most puzzling person in the whole house. They’re never around and impossible to get a hold of via cell. The MIA roommate has many acquaintances, and when around, usually is accompanied by some outsider that no one in the house actually knows or has ever seen in his/her whole life. And when you try to confront them about their David Blane act, they always reply in that same cool tone, “Oh, I’ve just been…around.”