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Theme parties of epic proportion

February 15th, 2007

The age old question of whether or not to live on campus inevitably comes up this time of year.

We could go on for hours about the pros and cons of both, but there is one indisputable advantage to getting a house – the sweet parties you can throw.

I will tell you one thing, if I ever found myself in a house, I would have some epic parties. You would find yourself talking about how that kid from the award-winning Carroll News could really throw a party.

What would make them so epic? I would have some historic theme parties.

I’m not talking about the Warrensville standard theme parties. No, I’m an innovator and I’m going to take theme parties to the next level.

While you’re picking out a garbage bag to wear to an “Anything but clothes” party, I would be preparing my home for theme parties like “Let’s write some prose,” “Anyone but Joes,” and “I got your nose.”

I like pajama parties the way they are, so I probably wouldn’t change those at all.

The idea of the Gatsby themed party is awesome, it is a great piece of American literature and a great book to party with.

But, how about giving some credit to another great American writer?

I’m talking about Dr. Seuss. At my Dr. Seuss themed party you would need to wear one of those “Cat in the Hat” hats and rhyme everything you say. It would be a short party, because it would get really annoying and people would leave.

I would also have theme parties to go along with the month. This month I would have a “Presidents Day Party,” in which everyone dresses as their favorite president or first lady.

You would also need to prepare a one page, double-spaced paper on your president. I would check for plagiarism, so don’t think you can just copy and paste off of Wikipedia.

However, I would not allow anyone to come as Martin Van Buren, because he sucked.

At the beginning of each semester I would have a “Back to school” party, where I would raffle off school supplies. You know, pens, pencils and cases of Natty Light. There might also be a 50/50 drawing, I’m not sure yet.

Holiday themed parties would be big in my house. Around Thanksgiving you would be required to bring a dish to pass. Let me tell you this right now, if you bring stuffing, I’m not going to eat it. We have a rocky history.

For my Christmas party, everyone would recite a poem or song they wrote about why they love Christmas. If you don’t love Christmas, I invite you to air your grievances as to why you dislike the season of giving. The poems would all need to rhyme though, because I don’t like poetry that does not rhyme. You would still be welcomed if you celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.

October would bring a Halloween party where – actually, I’m going to stop right there.

P.S. I would like to thank all the ladies of “The Vagina Monologues” for my shout out. You can find me in The Carroll News room, located across from the Corbo Fitness Center.